I have a love hate relationship with attention. In my heart, I know I’m not worthy of attention. Deep in my heart, I think I should be worthy of attention. Still deeper, I know that if I don’t get attention, I will die.
I do a lot of things in life that place me in front of people in places where I must perform well. I love telling stories, for example, and I want to teach people things. I love the feeling when I finish a story and there’s this kind of contemplative silence as people digest what I’ve said. It’s even better when I change the direction of the conversation or the project because of my participation.
So I crave playing that kind of role, yet I also don’t want to be a stand out. I believe we are all equals. I want lots of attention, but I don’t want to stand out. I want to be respected for being a contributor, but I don’t want to demand that people attend to me. I want to earn it. I want people to request me.
Yet, if I don’t go out and show off, people won’t know who I am and won’t have any reason to request me. I can’t go out and show off if I don’t believe I have something special that people will like if they see it. So I do believe I have something special, yet I am no different from anyone else. No better than anyone else. No worse.
A conundrum, no? I seek attention, but I also seek no attention. I am special, but I am normal. I have unique gifts and I can give a lot to other people, and yet I am not deserving of any more attention than anyone else.
Yeah. Welcome to my world. It’s not easy being green.