Does he want to score points with the kids? Or is he trying to indulge some desire of his own? It is easy to want to spoil grandchildren but you must talk to him about what their mom and you have decided they need and establish that the junk food is not appropriate. If you can do it in a way that acknowledges his desire to participate as a grandparent, that would be great. Is there something special he can do with and for them – playground trips or crafts or reading for example?

I don’t know. I do know that food played a central role in his house growing up…3 boys all on the football team. I think food had an emotional attachment for him, anyway, that I don’t understand. Like…he’s being like his Mom when he cooks.

Problem is, he’ll get angry if I question what he’s doing, because it’s such a NICE thing that he’s doing, right?

I don’t understand how, with all the education out there about eating healthy, he wouldn’t reconsider what he buys.

Why does he think the kids really want sugar? I didn’t. I’d eat it if it was there (which wasn’t all that often,) but it wasn’t what I went looking for after school.

Is there any chance that he wants to use the kids as an excuse to buy the stuff so he can eat it himself? My grandfather used to do that. He’d buy sugary cereal for me, but eat most of it himself.

No, I don’t think so. He buys junk for himself when he wants it. He’ll bring angel food cakes that he found on sale, and lemon bread and potato chips. The other day he tried to make some no bake cookies (they weren’t very good.) He’ll make brownies and he ALWAYS has a bag of potato chips, like a staple.
I manage to stay away from it all. We were done having kids when we got married and thank goodness. I can imagine battles royal if he insisted on showing his love by giving them junk food.
It’s just frustrating.

Maybe you can temper your own needs a little and make a policy that he can give the kids a treat one day a week? Would that help? Or can he cook something for them sometimes like grilled cheese sandwiches? It does sound like there may be a bit of a power struggle going on over this.

Food is ALWAYS a power struggle with him. I finally quit cooking because he’d come in and monitor me to make sure I was doing it “right”...‘No no no! That’s not how you do it!” When he cooks, it’s the same thing. He stands over me making sure I put the right amount of food on my plate or whatever. The last straw for me came when I was dishing up some mashed potatoes and I made a well in the middle of them to put the gravy in and he said, “No! You don’t do that!” I slammed the plate down, walked out and rarely eat anything he makes any more (for one reason, it isn’t even ready until 10:00 at night after I’ve gone to bed!)
THEN one day he bitched because I never cook any more, so the next night I made spaghetti. I told him it was ready and he said, and I am not exaggerating “I on’t want that!” He sounded exactly like a spoiled 3 year old. That’s another reason I quit cooking for him.
Yes, he has a food thing.
That would be a good idea janbb, but you just don’t suggest to him that he could be doing something wrong. He does not react well.
Maybe I could just hide all the junk when the kids are around?

I don’t know, but tell him to cut it out. Their mother does not let them eat that crap. If he wants to express love for them, he can do it by spending time with them.

O lawd! Be six kinds of hell breaking lose over that, and a month of pouting, marinelife!
I’m thinking about janbb’s idea of suggesting he cook something, like grilled cheese He just might go for that….

Is he competing with you or trying to get involved ( over food) with his wife, whom
stopped cooking his meals?
Communicate with him, and find common ground.
He may be desparate to create an atmosphere of enjoyment in sharing a meal with you as a couple again.
If so, at least he is trying.
Suggest that HE cook the meals for you two.

Well, this is an utter break down! I had the baby pizzas ready but….sister decided she wanted cereal instead (she went for the Life cereal for the second day in a row, not the Corn Pops) and brother went for a chunk of Velveeta cheese I had left over. Then sister was rooting around in the fridge, comes up with a container of marsh mellow cream. It’s been in the fridge since Christmas, when I had planned on making some fudge. She asked what it was. I said, “Pure sugar!” She asked if she could have some. “I don’t care.” She ate some and she liked it. Then she said, “I wonder what would go good with this.” I cut my eyes at her and said, ”...chocolate.” Her eyes got wide and she asked if I had some. Well, I do, choc chips left over from Christmas for the fudge I never made. So then brother had to have some chocolate chips to eat with his cheese, and sister’s eating a saucer of marshmallow puff topped with chocolate chips. I am the worlds WORST gramma! But…I needed to get rid of that stuff, and both the kids are thin as a whip, so it won’t hurt them none!
And sister is berating brother for never eating anything healthy except cheese!
I get the baby pizzas! Yay! I was hungry.

I already covered that Inspired to Write. He does all his own cooking, but not for me and that is by my request. His meals are never done before 10:00 at night, after I’m in bed. I have commented on it, but 8:30 seems to be the earliest he can get anything done and the next day is back to 10:00.
He also won’t take into consideration my preferences. For example, when he makes fried potatoes he puts 60 different seasonings on them. I only want salt and pepper, but he continues to season the whole batch the way he wants. When he makes baked potatoes he puts what he wants on mine, instead of letting me prepare my own.

What he has done is far from creating an atmosphere of enjoyment. It’s caused tension and stress and anger. It’s best if we just do our own thing.

This isn’t about us, anyway. It’s about how I can make sure the kids don’t slip into preferring crap food over nutritious food. Marshmellow puff and chocolate chips is a good start, I think! :)

It sounds like you have much deeper problems and resentments in your marriage than feeding the grandkids junk food. You need to find ways to break the resentment cycle. Would you consider counseling or failing that, just talking to each other?

(And I just read your last line. It really is much more about you two and the relationship you are modeling for the grandkids and having yourselves than about the junk food.)

I know what you’re saying, but I’ve learned to just adjust, not make a big deal out of stuff. We do alright. We still laugh, we still enjoy the same things, we enjoy being together. I’ve just learned not to mention certain things. And when it comes to food I just shut down, so it’s a non issue now. We haven’t had any food arguments in a few years. It works for us.
I just don’t understand his logic. But I’ve been dropping hints (“That cereal is sugar.” At one point he questioned whether the fruit drink stuff was still good because it had been in the fridge for a while. I said, “it’s just sugar water. It’s fine.)” Hopefully he’ll pick up on them.
I still like your idea of asking if he’d like to cook for them once in a while.

@Windmill Cool. I do think that might give him some sense of being involved. Maybe the days he cooks for them you stay out of the kitchen.

Yeah. It’s kind of tough sometimes. I was raised “Don’t eat if you aren’t hungry.” But I always was hungry at dinner. My husband, though, got a lot of “Clean your plate” “Just TRY it…” “You can’t leave the table until you’re finished,” that kind of stupid stuff that causes eating issues. One time we were at a family reunion. TONS of food. My grandson was 12 at the time, and he went with us. He said he didn’t want anything to eat. I could sense my husband starting to get mad, but convinced him to just let it go. And, sure enough, as soon as no one was paying any attention to my grandson, he did start eating. (I have a feeling my grandson’s dad pushes food on him like that, so it becomes an issue of control and power.)
Anyway, I’m kind of excited about your answer! The more I think about it, the better it seems! :)

The kind of glee with which you write about feeding the kids marshmallow cream and chocolate and Velveeta sounds exactly like the kind of glee that your husband expresses about buying junk food for them. I think @janbb is right – this is not about food choices, it’s about the power struggle in your marriage. Maybe you could bond over your delight at spoiling the kids rotten. ;)

@Windmill Glacial is right. This seems to be coming equally from you and your husband. Maybe counseling?

Guys…the difference is I did not buy that stuff specifically for them. As I said, it’s been hanging around since Christmas, and I will not go out and replenish it when it’s gone. I don’t forbid my kids to eat anything that’s in the house, but as a general rule, the only stuff I have has some nutritional value. I haven’t stopped them from eating the stuff my husband has brought home either if they want to. I’ve made a couple of low key comments to him, so hopefully he’ll think of other types of things to bring home, like cantaloupe or something.
If I sounded gleeful it’s because I was laughing at myself. I post this and turn around and my granddaughter is eating marshmallow fluff and chocolate chips!
All in all we’re on pretty equal footing in our marriage. I’ve just never had to deal with some one who seems to be so emotionally tied up with food but in general, we’ve worked that out too.