I apologize for taking so long to reply.
I assure you I read considered all statements and reread them several times. I had to absorb it all and consider them before I felt I could talk about it.
I think everyone brought an interesting point to the table. And I may eventually take the assertiveness class, if I can find one. Or just learn how to jump in and swim literally. My worst tangible fear that I do nothing about and it plagues me as proof of my cowardice.
I may also be mistating or mislabeling myself. Labels can be harmful. It is true I have identified with label of coward for as long as I could remember. It was my secret evaluation of myself. So just admitting it feels like a brave act. I have done cowardly things but I realize now I have also done brave things and a person is a changeable being. Aspects shift and I am not always what I once was or felt or will feel again.
The cautious look before leaping approach is appropriate in many regards. Though there are often times I feel as if I am walking in an impenetrable fog. I can’t see the present and don’t really have a vision of my destination.
I can’t freeze in place and hope the winds dissipate the mist. I must continue. Maybe the fog is a blessing in disguise. It keeps me in the present moment and shields me from seeing all futures that hold pains and joys.
Plans are something I was never great at. But one can plan and be in the here and now. I have begun searching avenues to make informed plans. Though maybe I need to make plans on making plans. : )
I actually picked up a book Embracing Uncertainity. Contains some simple Buddhisms.101 and one be exact. It is easy to read almost too easy but I felt like it was exactly what I was looking for. I think I feel I have an absence of yama Mara.
I think that was what I was trying to get at but didn’t have the words for. I must learn more about this concept. I don’t fear death, but I don’t want to fear life or overly treasure it so much that it becomes a bauble on a shelf.
Thank you all once again. It is nice to be able to take the gaurd down and say things, admit things I have never admitted before.
It is sublime to get thoughtful, responses that help me widen my perspective.