It’s typical to hear women speak of friends being physically abused by their man, but I’m having trouble finding cases of a man discovering that his friend beats on his own family.

I’ve known my friend for nearly two decades. He’s the most loyal, trustworthy and supportive friend I’ve ever had. I would never have expected him to be a wife beater. In truth, however, I’ve been aware of some physical abuse going on in his home, but I guess I turned a blind eye to it. I rationalized, I made excuses, I tried to correct him. He’s more traditional than I am, and I attributed his “style” to being cut from old cloth.

When I saw him physically punishing his children, I just told myself he was disciplining them. When I felt he crossed the line and hit them too hard, I told him so: “They’re not grown adults; they’re children! You can’t hit them with THAT much force!”

When he told me he hit his wife a few years ago, I lectured him incessantly on how wrong it was to do so. He listened carefully and seemed genuinely thoughtful about it. I believed I had made an impact on him.

Some time later, when he told me that he smacked his wife for one reason or another, I guess it felt too far removed for me to do anything about it.

Recently, I was over for dinner and saw the abuse firsthand. He smacked her hard and her head hit the wall. I got between them and pushed him away. I asked her to stop provoking him but I guess she couldn’t help herself. His rage was too great to be contained. It got physical between he and I and we threw each other around a bit.

He has always been a man of his word. I know of more than one promise he had made years and years ago that he has kept despite hating having done so. I pleaded with him to promise me he wouldn’t touch her again that night. He refused because he didn’t believe he could keep it.

I spoke to both of them that night, together and separately. I told them to separate and be done with it already, because the children were suffering and they were obviously miserable. They came to blows, verbally and physically, a couple more times. He refused to come stay at my place so I offered her the option. He grew more upset and asked me to leave his house. She begged me not to leave and I refused to leave until he promised. I invoked our friendship of many years and insisted. He finally promised and quickly escorted me out the door.

I stood outside their house and waited a few minutes just to be sure everything was okay. She came outside and he quickly followed. He dragged her back inside and slammed the door. Through the closed curtain, I saw their shadows and heard her scream.

He’s my best friend. If it was anyone else, I would have called the police in a heartbeat. If I had done so that night, he would never have forgiven me. And now, I am at a complete loss. For a while there, I was worried about how I could possibly reconcile having a friend who was a wife beater. Now, I wonder if I want to be friends with someone who beats his wife.

He’s not just my best friend; he’s one of my only friends. Before, I was worried about losing his friendship. Now, I’m wondering if it’s already been lost.

It seems weird to ask about something so deeply personal on an online and public forum, but I’d like to hear some thoughts from others on this.

Topics: violence, domestic violence, domestic abuse, physical abuse, wife beating