I know what you mean. I found, however, that these people (my mother, for example) aren’t annoying me. Rather, I’m choosing to feel annoyed. I know that sounds trite and completely chicken-soup-for-the soul garbage, but I find it to be true. There is nothing objectively that my mother is doing to make me feel frustrated and angry. I am deciding that the words coming out of my mother’s mouth are insufficient and therefore should be some other words – or they should be said in a different way. And since I can’t change that, and the words that come out of my mother’s mouth are what they are, there seems to be one very irrational act on my part to be get wrapped up in feeling angry about it.
So what do I do? Do I simply pretend that her words do not bother me and stifle my emotions? No. Not at all. I am dealing with two entities – my mother’s words and my reactions to her words. If I am not at all thrilled about my mother’s words, why would I choose to commit myself to my reactions to such words? Why attach myself to this irrational reaction, and identify with it. I can see how I respond, but I needn’t identify with it. I needn’t pick it up and run with it.
I find that it is possible to look at myself with compassion and hold much of my frustration and dislike of my mother’s words very lightly. And when I do this, I find that my shoulders drop and much of my tension disappears when interacting with my mother. And when I do this, I am much more open. I can see what she is really saying when that mouth flaps and sounds come out. She is expressing her love for me in the only way she knows how – the only way she can. And this feels good. I don’t have to wish she spoke differently, used different words, was more positive, etc. I can be there to interact with her on a deeper level – one that is opened with compassion and can see intention.
My father and I had a much more challenging relationship years ago. We have both grown, and are able to be there for each other. Not in the way either of us had hoped. But rather, we are there in the only way we can. And that is pretty damn good.