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Carly's avatar

Women: did any of you experience a period of having a low libido after getting married?

Asked by Carly (4555points) August 19th, 2014
12 responses
“Great Question” (2points)

I recently got married in June, but I’ve had a low libido ever since. When we got engaged about a year and a half ago we decided to wait until our honeymoon, even though we were both sexually “experienced” with each other and others in the past. I don’t know if that was a bad decision and I’m used to not having sex (kind of like my mind automatically turns away from anything sexual now). I thought it was the birth control I was on, but I’ve been off it for over two months now.

Is this something you or others have experienced? Is there some kind of postpartum depression that individuals can get after getting married?

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gailcalled's avatar

Whatever you are feeling, which is very real and uniquely yours, it cannot be postpartum which refers specifically and only to after childbirth.

Here’s detailed and accurate information about low libido in women—from the Mayo Clinic… symptoms, causes, and treatments.

Educate yourself as step one and then find someone (medical or not) to talk to, the sooner the better.

How old are you?

Carly's avatar

ok, I didn’t mean postpartum – sorry if that was offensive. I just feel like this happened right after a big moment in life, something good, but stressful like giving birth where you would want to love a child – or in my case my husband, but I don’t have any of those expected feelings a newlywed should want. I didn’t know if there was an issue like this with other women that’s so common it has a name for it (like postpartum depression).

Thanks for the link though.

gailcalled's avatar

Not offensive, just inaccurate.

You are describing a low libido, for which there can be many causes. So close to your marriage and during what is the honeymoon period, when most young brides are on fire, is caus for concern. I would say that it is uncommon.

Focus on yourself. Learn all there is to know about you. Find some professionals to talk with. it could be both a medical and a psychological problem, particularly if you used to enjoy sex. I cannot tell from your description whether you ever had fabulous sex with your husband before you decided to cool it, or whether it was just with other men.

JLeslie's avatar

Being in a routine of not having sex with your SO can be difficult to break. Libido is a circle in my opinion. When you know you can’t have sex your mind can lower the desire. With lowered desire, you have less sex. Almost like a snowball effect.

Do you still masterbate? Did you while dating? Did you two fool around just not have sex? If your libido was lower even heading into the marriage then it is not just the wedding date.

Do you want to want to have sex? Or, are you perfectly content not having sex? What about your spouse? If you both want to want it you can work on more sexual connection. There are sex therapists of course, but I assume there are self help books that have exercises for married couples to get more sexually connected.

Who and why did you decide to cool it?

Most people I know in long term relationships have less desire for sex when they are exhausted from work or from kids or preoccupied with a lot of stress. It’s getting older and having more responsibilities that usually makes it harder to fit sex in the day. Then it also becomes routine. I never hear any of my friends saying right after they got married their libido drastically changed. I do have friends who complain they never had an irresistible sexual connection with their spouse before or after getting married. Are you happy about marrying him? Any doubts about your relationship with him?

If I were you I would try fake it till I make it for a few weeks. I don’t mean fake an orgasm I mean doing something until it becomes something you want to do. Purposely have sex 3 or 4 times a week and hope that gets things going with a new routine and rekindles sexual desire. Obviously, you should not do it if you will actually feel violated in some way, but it sounds to me that you want to be excited about sex with your husband and so I assume that is not an issue.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

My libido remained low for several months after stopping birth control. The hormones may still be in your system. When I was on the pill I had absolutely no desire to have sex. It took months after being off the pill for my libido to finally start picking back up. Give it time. If it doesn’t improve, see a doctor.

Carly's avatar

@JLeslie To answer your first three questions, no. We decided to stop because I moved in with his parents during the time we were engaged and we wanted to respect their wishes/values while under their roof.

I love my husband, he’s definitely the one. I definitely wouldn’t want to be with anyone else but him. I’m just not interested in sex. The thought of doing it with anyone just turns me off. All I can think of is wow, I really wish we could do other things besides this. It almost feels like I’ve become asexual.

Carly's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 Thanks! I really hope that’s the case.

gailcalled's avatar

@Carly: Was there ever a time when sex was pleasurable? Were you ever orgasmic?

JLeslie's avatar

@gailcalled Even when I had a low libido, because I had chronic pain and sex could be quite painful, I could have an orgasm in less than two minutes. When I was a super horny teenager having sex every day, I didn’t have my first orgasm until a few years into it. I don’t find that orgasm relates necessarily to sex drive.

@Carly Hopefully, it is what @ItalianPrincess1217 describes and it gets better soon. It doesn’t make sense to me, because the hormone is out of the body so fast, but it does seem to be the experience of several women.

chinchin31's avatar

It is the pill.. give it about a year for your body to go back to normal. The pill is terrible.

Carly's avatar

@gailcalled yes. @chinchin31 A year? damn!

gailcalled's avatar

^^ Given that, I will repeat the suggestions I made earlier.

Find some professionals to talk with. it could be both a medical and a psychological problem, particularly if you used to enjoy sex.

In particular, get some accurate info about the pill you took and your own hormone levels. You are too young; this situation is unfair to both you and your new husband.

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