Try an experiment. One time when she asks, tell her that your Dad has been dead for six years. See how she reacts. The next time just tell her that he’s fine. See how she reacts to that statement. Whichever answer lessens her agitation is the one you should use thereafter. When our parents lose their memory, we should lie if that is what is the most beneficial. Not easy, my heart goes out to you. I’ve been there.

You will probably need to move her to a facility near you soon.

Go with it. Make up stories about where he is, and tell her he’s doing fine and he is safe.

Been through this, and my heart goes out to you.

I’m in @janbb‘s camp: Whatever works, and doesn’t add to her anxiety. Consider that as much as you love your mother, when she asks this question – and especially when she does it repeatedly – you are no longer dealing with a rational human. As hard as it is to accept, that’s the truth of it. So as long as you can recognize that, it might make it at least ‘somewhat’ simpler for you to accept the need to lie to her, if that’s what it takes.

Good luck to you all.

Yep, I am on the side of those who would say whatever brings her the most comfort. We also have this to deal with. My sister daily, and many times a day,since mom lives with her.

You can’t fight dementia. You will make them anxious and yourself crazy trying to fight it. It feels wrong to deny basic facts like this but what is true for her is not what’s true for you anymore.

I used to hate it when my sister tried to reason with my Mom. Mom usually ended up crying and confused, while my sister just rolled her eyes.

When dealing with those with compromised memory, it’s always best to go with whichever option is the kindest and most loving response.

Objective truth serves no real purpose other than for those of us who can comprehend (or even remember it) so you do whatever it takes to maker her final years as peaceful as possible FOR HER.

For you it’s painful and my heart goes out to you. Hopefully you can make her final years tranquil and loving.

She seems to need a reason he is not with her in a given time. Try giving her suggestions which would work for her on a common day. Try saying something like, Mom, didn’t he say he needed to go do, “______” today? I can’t fill in the blank, since I have no idea what were common behaviors for your Dad.
Since you seek a home for her, you might suggest that he had mentioned a desire to live someplace smaller, and that he may be out looking for someplace nice. I have never had this situation myself, but I am aware from acquaintances that sometimes moving a parent causes them some stress about leaving their spouse behind. This might help her with that.
As you seek a safe home for her, you might ask the advice of care people at those places. It could help you find both a good solution, and a place for her where her challenges will best be understood.
I might say something like, “Mom, I bet he wanted to go for a walk (drive) alone. He will probably return soon.”
I am sorry you are facing this challenge. Good luck to you, and hugs.

Another resource you may find helpful is written by Frank Broyles, college football coach, whose wife was diagnosed with Alzheimers.

He initially knew little about it or how to cope but he educated himself and dealt with it similarly to how he had functioned professionally.

The result is “Coach Broyle’s Playbook for Alzheimers Caregivers”.

It’s available as both a FREE PDF on the web or as a print version through bookstores or Amazon.

I’m on my old iPhone so can’t do links but a search should bring the PDF version right up.

He gives lots and lots of practical tips for all kinds of situations which arise similar to what you’ve described.

Contact your county or state health dept.

Wow. Coincidentally The Notebook is on. Got the scene where her kids introduced themselves again, and thought of you. And my heart went out to you again.

You know, there is still some laughter to be found, if you look.
I remember telling Mom that Dad had died. She said, “Was that that awful man I was married to? Was that your dad?”
I said, “Well, that’s what you always told us!”
And she laughed! She got the joke!

@kritiper Why should he contact the health department?

You could tell her that your Dad had to go somewhere important and that he left a messege for her to not too worry nor wait as he will contact her when the time is right for him to do so.
Then ask questions about her relationship with your father in earylier times ( fun times) and have her talk about these times and maybe in the end you will have a nice story to write about, too pass onto your Grandkids oneday?

I think @janbb‘s suggestion makes the most sense and go with whatever causes her the least grief. This must be heartbreaking for you and for her. I’ve never had to deal with this since my parents are both gone.

One time we grabbed Mom to take her to Lowes in Oklahoma to buy some green carpet that looked like grass, for the mower shop we owned. It was a looong trip. We stopped in a town neighboring ours (but not neighboring Wellington, where Mom was in an assisted living home) to get gas.
We took a bathroom break. Usually I would go in before Mom because I knew she would stay by the bathroom if she still had to pee. But this particular time she budged into the bathroom before me.
I was SO relieved that she was still waiting by the bathroom when I came out, that I linked her arm and walked directly back out to the truck, and the trailer, which had the huge roll of carpet on it.
So, we’re on the road to the non-neighboring town where Mom lived (60 miles round trip) and I was idly thinking, “Shoot. I didn’t get a receipt for the gas.” I could have written it off as a business expense.
Then it hit me…“I DIDN’T GET A RECEIPT BECAUSE I DIDN’T PAY FOR IT!!!!!” I’d been so relieved and intent on getting Mom safely in the car that paying for the gas completely slipped my mind!
I yelped, “I DIDN’T PAY FOR THE GAS!”
Rick looks at me, looks at the rear view mirror and says, “OK. We got a huge roll of grass green carpet loaded on a butt-ugly white trailer with ugly red trim We are SO under the radar. Cops will never find us!”
Mom, in the back seat, laughed and said, “Maybe I’m not the one with Alzheimer’s!” :)

I turned myself in to their sister company the next day! They called the store and said, “Did you have a $20.00 drive-off last night? ..... pause… OK. Well, she’s turned herself in! She’ll be down to pay today!”
That town is only 15 miles away from here. About a hundred from where we were headed that one night.

When we were dealing with my very old mother’s senile dementia from 2006 to her death in 2011, which is much less unpleasant than full-blown Alzheimer’s, we found this book very helpful.

Learning to Speak Azheimer’s

”...no longer do experts try to bring the disoriented or confused person “back to reality”, for example, if a patient thinks her father who died in 1950 visited her don’t argue or try to “re-orient” her on this subject. It is not worth upsetting the person, has no long term value, and needlessly confuses and worries the person.”

I also love @janbb‘s idea.