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Aethelwine's avatar

How did you acknowledge the first anniversary of the death of a close loved one?

Asked by Aethelwine (42961points) December 28th, 2014
12 responses
“Great Question” (3points)

This week has been difficult for me. My mother was admitted to the hospital the day after Christmas last year and passed away four days later. The anniversary of her death is this Tuesday.

I thought it might help me to read how others coped during the anniversary of the death of their loved ones.

thank you

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rojo's avatar

My dad is the closest relative that has passed away.

On the first anniversary I noticed it was coming up about a week ahead of time and just sort of counted down until the date of his death. On that date I said out loud, to him, that I missed him and hoped things were better now than they were before he died.

On the second year, about a week out, it came into my consciousness again and I counted down the days, usually in the morning, until the anniversary, at which time I again told him I missed him and hoped all was well.

I imagine it will be similar this year, just a little less painful.

jaytkay's avatar

I called my mom on my dad’s birthday and their wedding anniversary after he died and talked about how we missed him. I did not call on the anniversary of his death.

A friend of mine died three days ago, Christmas morning, after a long fight against cancer. That’s going to make December 25th bittersweet forever for her husband and kids.

JLeslie's avatar

I can imagine that losing your mom near the Christmas holiday makes the anniversary that much more blaring and emotional.

I’m not sure if this will count. I haven’t lost someone as close as my nuclear family, so I think I don’t know how difficult that is, but I did lose my grandmother who was very important to me. In my religion around the year mark we do an unveiling of the tombstone or grave marker. Usually family goes to the graveside again, say some words or a prayer, and it is the final formal ritual for me in the process. We also place small rocks on the grave, Christians leave flowers I guess. I think it is a good practice to get together once more when it has been only a year since a loved ones death. I think it creates support again for those who mourn the death the most.

I don’t remember the exact day of death usually. Maybe my brain does it on purpose as a defense mechanism. I think if it was someone like my mom or dad or husband the date would probably be etched in my brain though. I don’t know.

LuckyGuy's avatar

My Mom died in the winter when my brother and I were kids. My Dad reminded us of the anniversary by lighting a candle. Simple.

filmfann's avatar

My father died 2 days short of Halloween, and my mother died in late April.
I usually become quite depressed a few days/weeks before the days of their passing.
On the day, I often watch old home movies of my family. That helps me be positive about what I was blessed with, growing up. If I focus on that positive side, it helps with the ache of loss.
I know some people were not so blessed as to have had happy childhood memories, or old 8mm home movies to watch. I feel for them.

BeenThereSaidThat's avatar

go to the cemetery, bring flowers and talk to your mom in your mind. The first year is the most difficult. some day your memories will be of happy times with her not only the sad last few days with her.

Coloma's avatar

I have been lucky, in the sense that all those close to me that have died I had already faced and accepted the inevitable and did not have any long lasting unresolved pain about their deaths so haven’t felt any need to commemorate anniversary dates of their deaths. What’s weird for me is that my great grandmother, grandmother and mother all died on the same day, years apart, Jan. 29.
Sooo..I always joke about Jan. 29th being a spooky day.
Will I carry on the tradition of all the women in my family dying on that day?

It’s coming up again, we will see. haha

rojo's avatar

Hopefully not @Coloma.

My grandfather died when he was only 66. My father was 40 at the time.

As Dad approached the age of 66 I recall the anxiety he felt. Mom later told me he was certain he would not make it to be older than his dad had been.

Even though he felt greatly relieved upon reaching his 67th birthday, for several years thereafter he still worried over his imminent demise. Not that you would have know it outwardly but it was something he and mom discussed from time to time.

ucme's avatar

As some of you may recall, our dog Penny died a year ago yesterday (Dec 28)
Died of food poisoning aged just 4, we lit a candle in her memory & I went on the walk we most frequently took wearing her collar as an armband.
Tears were shed & memories were replayed, we all miss her so much.
I realise some will say she was “just a dog” but she was a much loved member of our family & I will cherish her memory forever RIP Penny xxx

janbb's avatar

As @JLeslie has said, in the Jewish tradition there is a small ceremony called an unveilling at the first anniversary of the death. The tombstone is usually not erected until that time and close family and/or friends gather for grave side prayers and usually a simple meal. After that first anniversary, I have not usually been disturbed or even noted subsequent anniversaries. My parents each died quite old and diminished in capacity and their deaths were not overly traumatic for me.

osoraro's avatar

I go to shul and say the Kaddish

fluthernutter's avatar

On the first anniversary of my brother’s death, we got all of my aunts, uncles and cousins together to visit his grave. We wrote little notes and wishes for him and tied them with ribbon to a tree by his grave. After, we all went for lunch at this place we used to go to when we were little kids. (We decided to bury him close to where we grew up.)

On the anniversary of my miscarriage, we go away for the weekend to Monterey. That’s where we were when we realized that I was pregnant with our first child. The peaceful joy of that first trip tempers the sadness. We gather a handful of seaglass to add to our collection.

On my own, I get another ring done on the circle tattoo I have on my palm. A simple circle on my left palm where I held the gestational sac. Eventually it will be filled.

Whichever way you find,
I’ll be thinking of you. [hugs]

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