Nope… Oh I’ve been so sad or angry that I’ve lightly contemplated ending it before, but I’ve never thought I lived enough. The infinite possibilities of the universe are too tempting to overshadow a momentary but permanent fix to an ever changing life. Besides, as bad as anything has ever been for myself, I can look right within my own family for someone who is actually justified in those kinds of thoughts, unlike I will ever be.
I have a younger brother who has a lot of medical issues. He had a heart transplant at 2, a suppressed immune system now, learning disabilities, diagnosed emotional/social/intellectual immaturity, legally blind eyesight, a stomach that can’t handle most foods that has resulted in everything from (failed) surgically implanted feeding tubes to chemo. When he was in a chemically induced coma for 40+ days 1 year ago someone nicked a vein doing a kidney biopsy and as a result of the internal bleeding it caused, they had to cut open his chest and stomach muscles to drain the blood. When they stitched him back up, they didn’t know if they were going to have to go back in and do more work or not, so they only stitched the skin back together and not his abdominal muscles underneath. The result, now that it healed like that, is that now he basically looks pregnant all the time.
So right now, at 18 years old (with attractive girls around that I’m sure he would love to have a chance with), he’s about 4’ 8” tall, sterile, overweight (which is preferable to the dwindling 50lbs he was last year) and incapable of exercise, has a weird (and by all accounts unattractively deformed body), can’t eat anything good without getting sick, just barely started puberty this year, still has trouble coloring inside the lines but is smart enough to know it, and is painfully sick with some of the best doctors in the world completely stumped. There’s much more but I think you get the gist. He got the short end of every stick. And all this while watching his perfectly healthy and smart twin sister go off to college next year.
My problems can be fixed. His cannot. Even if he was magically dropped into your imagination of “the perfect life” he would still be him and have all these debilitating/permanent problems. If he’s strong enough to keep living for a tomorrow that will still be worse than any day I’m likely to live ever, then people like me have absolutely no right contemplating suicide. As bad as you think your life might be, I’m sure my brother would happily trade you in a heartbeat. For his sake at least, don’t squander it.
Besides all that… If you really can’t stand this life that much, I wouldn’t fret over. It doesn’t require your intervention, it’ll be over soon enough regardless. We don’t live long. Might as well soak it up while you can. Even if it’s just pain.