It depends on when one enters their lives. A new dad moving in with mom when the child is 7 or under, can integrate so that the step parent becomes a fully accepted parent. Older than that it gets tricky.

My sweetie and I each have kids that are older (late teens/early twenties), and the kids accept us as a couple, but neither of us are stepping into a parental role.

I came from a blended family. I still consider my step-sister from my mom’s 2nd marriage (she’s not married to step-sister’s dad anymore – their marriage was brief) my step-sister.

I am a step-mom. I’ve raised my stepson since he was 18 mo. old. His bio-mom has been in and out of his life – but I’ve been there for him as a real parent all along. (He’s turning 18 this year.)

I consider him my child. I was the one who took him to every dentist & doctor appointment.
He’s always attended school from our (my & my husband’s) home address. He’s lived with us, over the years, far more than 80% of the time.

I love him the same as my other two children. I hate when people say: “You can’t love him as much as your biological children”—because does that mean that adoptive parents can’t love their children because they aren’t biologically related. B.S.

This child does not remember a time in his life when I wasn’t there holding, loving & supporting him.

I still respect that he has a mom. A biological mom who loves him the best she can.
I strive to help them connect and have a good relationship because having 3 parents that love you is certainly not a bad thing.

My husband has not always supported me as the “mom” to his son with his Ex. He still thinks somehow I’m not really able to love him the same way he does. Again, I think that’s crap. That’s OK – we can disagree and still get on with life. (Life is dialectical – two things can be right at the same time. Or, time may out. Let enough time pass and perhaps he’ll see things differently) My hubby is still a good father and husband – what he thinks doesn’t change my relationship with my (step)son.

@geeky_mama My husband has not always supported me as the “mom” to his son with his Ex. He still thinks somehow I’m not really able to love him the same way he does.
Does he support you to administer justice when he is not around? Say you get a call from a neighbor and he/she is hot, they said they just chased your son and another kid from their yard for swiping fruit off their tree and in the hurry to escape your son knocked over a small glass top patio stand breaking the glass. If your son walking in before his father got home, would you be supported to administer punishment or because he is the biological father he sees himself as the ”true” parent with the most love and therefor he has to be the one to decide for his kid?

A man I knew that had 2 step children and 2 biological children living in his household once told me he loved his step children, but if a fire broke out in his home and he could only rescue two kids, he would go to his own first.

When we married, my wife had a 5 year old daughter, who had very limited contact with her father. She has never called me “Dad”, but by my first name. That said, when she got married, she asked that both her father and I walk her down the aisle. She said I was more of a father to her than her real dad.
She now has a son, and he calls me Grandpa. I consider him to be my grandson.
I tell people I am not a grandfather. I am just sleeping with a grandmother.

Kid is mine. Grandkids are all mine, no matter where they came from. Mine, mine, mine, mine.

I was finally able to adopt my oldest when she was 6, but I’ve been her mom since she was 18 months old. She’s mine. It took us for EVER to get pregnant with our second kid. Like, 3 years. At one point adoption came up. My husband (now ex) snorted, “Why the hell would I want to raise another person’s kid?!” I just stared at him. He was an asshole.

@Hypocrisy_Central – I’m certainly allowed to parent in my husband’s absence. (Which was frequently when our son was younger.) So, I’m allowed to discipline, etc. (and certainly I’ve always been the one to take him to Dr’s appts.)..and I can tell him my opinion on a course of action. But he doesn’t think I have a “vote” in parental decisions. He thinks only his Ex (yes, ex from over 17 years ago who has often been absent from his life) and He get a vote.

I can give him my opinion—but if it differs from what he and the Bio mom, oh well. Again, I don’t get a vote.

So, he thinks my opinions aren’t as valid as his because he’s got this biological connection I don’t have. <sigh> Like I said, I don’t believe that, but we’re talking about a 17 year long disagreement at this point. It’s just not worth discussion anymore..because I know what he thinks and he knows what I think…and we leave it at that.

I suppose this just shows that people with irreconcilable differences can indeed be in a loving, long lasting marriage. He’s a wonderful father, husband and my best friend. But..on this topic we have to agree to disagree.

^ I can give him my opinion—but if it differs from what he and the Bio mom, oh well. Again, I don’t get a vote.
So, he thinks my opinions aren’t as valid as his because he’s got this biological connection I don’t have.
Which shows just how difficult being oin a blended family can be even when one tries to be totally in the middle of the road.

Of course it can be difficult, depending on the attitudes of the interested parties, @Hypocrisy_Central. But it can be OK too. My daughter has managed, some how, some way, to befriend two of her kid’s step mothers, one of whom was very, very hostile in the beginning. But now they meet for lunch, take their shared son-stepson out on special outings together. Hats off to my daughter.

@Dutchess_III – We have shared every school event, performance, many fall hay rides and every Christmas together. (We celebrate with my hubby’s family on Christmas Eve, then drive the stepson to the neighboring state so he can have Christmas with the Bio Mom & her side of the family – every Christmas Day.) I don’t know if our two other kids feel the palpable tension I do or dislike the times when we’re with the ex’s family—but if they do, they’ve been good sports about it.

We’ve certainly done the blended family thing (have I mentioned we help take care of her son with another man, too? My stepson’s half-brother) to the best of our ability..but it isn’t easy.

Pretty much, if it’s a kid, it’s my kid. I do kind of get a kick out of seeing the ways the bio kids resemble me, but it doesn’t affect how I treat them.

@Dutchess_III – I feel the same! It is interesting to see my “mini-me” kiddos..but I sometimes feel some guilt for some of the genetics I’ve passed along to them..though I have to remind myself no one is perfect and we’re all a mix of our good and bad..and they are certainly having a different upbringing than I did.

Perhaps this experience is unique to me..but I noticed some flaws of my own when I observed my kids’ behavior and realized oh no..I do that, too.

Still, doesn’t diminish my love or pride for my stepson who I love beyond measure.

You know what is really funny? I adopted my oldest daughter, who was my husband’s kid from a previous marriage. She’s the only one who really looks like me! She resembles me far more than the bio kids.
She was dancing in our headlights on night, just being goofy. My husband said, “Well, there’s Val junior!”
I was like….“I act like that???” I’ve always tried to be dignified, but I started watching myself more carefully, and yup. I have periods of goofiness at least once a day.