A few seconds ago actually. Lately, this has been taking up a lot my thoughts.
Where I am now is in college. But I no longer think it is where I want to be. I’ve lost interest in school. It frustrates me and stresses me out. School isn’t about learning, it’s about fulfilling requirements. Professors seem like they have more important things to do and are only here because someone has to do the job of giving me a grade. I go to every lecture and listen and interact, yet what’s the point because we get tested on the book. And textbooks (math ones at least) suck. Want to meet and talk about it outside of class? Forget it, they have more important things to do—go talk about it with a TA who doesn’t speak the same language as you. Or maybe I’m incompetent, which is just yet another reason why I should not be in college. Either way, there are other things I want to do right now, and school is not one of them. I’ll sit in a bookstore for hours reading about innovative integration methods but I can’t (anymore) get myself to do homework problems.
So I think college sucks. Then how about I think of college as a means to and end to pull myself through it? Well, not even the end result is something desirable. I mean, ideally it is: I want to teach. I haven’t run my own classroom, but I have tutored many people and have taught lessons to groups of middle schoolers. I know I’d love a career like that, but that’s not the reality of teaching.
The reality, I fear, is that I’m going to be bogged down by requirements that deny the fact that teaching is an art. And on top of that, I will be criticized and run by administrators who they think they know more about pedagogy than I do. Hell, practically any post-college job I go into will result in me being bossed around by someone who will have power over me through “the system”, and I just can’t deal with that.
So, this has lead me to want to pursue an different career path. I still think education is important, and I still feel like I have some sort of calling to do it. I thought about doing self-employed tutoring. I work fast food, too, which you could presume I hate doing, but I need a supplement: it’s only part time and free food. Actually, I realized I’m pretty happy while working there, except when the manager’s around or I have to smile and suck up to the frequent asshole customer. But, it keeps my mind focused on something.
The next step is carrying out this action. I need to assure myself that it really is the best choice. It’s so much easier to do what everyone “expects” me to do. I have this summer to decide.