I’ve done it a few times. Twice with ending romantic relationships, and once with a parent. I also have no contact with the family member who abused me during my childhood. In all cases it came down to reaching the point of realizing ‘insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result’. I could not let go until I was certain that I had done everything in my power to make the relationship with that person work, and then I could walk away with a clean conscience. When I hit my breaking point, it was always in a moment of clarity – I knew that nothing I could say or do could prompt what I wanted or needed from that person in order to justify spending another minute of my time with them.
Two of those people are now dead. In knowing that I did everything I could to try to make things work, I didn’t have repressed guilt or any other mixed feelings. I felt pure sorrow for the tragedy that was my ex-husband’s life and for the fact that our son would grow up without a father. I’ve never cried so hard as I did at his funeral. When my own father died several years after I’d cut off ties with him, I simply felt nothing. I found it odd at first; but then I realized that I’d already grieved for the loss of ever having a ‘daddy’ or even a healthy adult relationship with him, so his physical death was inconsequential at that point.
The other ex is still alive and doing fairly well. He’s still in touch with my son, who considered him his ‘step-dad’ for several years. At the time when I dropped him off and decided I was finished, I was certain that he was at fault for everything that was wrong in our relationship. Within a few years, I had an awakening to the role I played in that disaster – how by having such low self-esteem, I tolerated things that a healthy person wouldn’t. I also woke up to the fact that I played some top-level head games, deflecting the attention off of all the shit that was wrong with me and shining the spotlight on his fuckups, all in the guise of helping him better himself. I was masterful at deflection, projection and all other sorts of psychological self-preservation techniques.
It was this awakening that allowed me to forgive those who hurt me for not taking accountability for their actions. It also was the beginning of my own change in taking accountability for myself and living an honest life. Learning to let go of the past and make choices in the present that will allow me to sleep soundly in the future. I went into subsequent relationships placing no expectations on others, but taking full responsibility for my own choices and actions. The couple of times it didn’t work out, I was able to walk away much easier, rather than having the drawn-out drama I’d had in those two earlier romances. Now in my current relationship, there is absolutely no drama. Considering all those years I spent dishing out and taking a lot of verbal and physical abuse and fighting about everything, it is amazing to have a peaceful co-existence with another self-actualized adult.
I know this comment is much after the fact, and I hope your situation is working out well for you. Feel free to PM me (here, or on FB – I’m there much more often) if you need someone to listen.