The creature sat only feet away, but it could not see me. I was hidden to everyone.

I watched as it sat by the fire, carving on a piece of hardwood, then drilled a hole with the inside of a small welk into one end. Then it took a thin strip of leather and threaded it through the hole and tied it the end of a thin branch it had cut from a tree. It walked right past the manzanita I was using for cover, down to the river and dropped the piece of wood into the water. It sat there on the river bank until dark. Meanwhile…

I sat in my cover, and wondered why would the creature do that?I checked my my 45 and made sure the clip was full just in case I needed it.

I nearly fired when a sudden movement accompanied by splashing spread wide down by the river. It turns out the creature was a naturalist, who’d just caught a huge trout.

As the hunter/naturalist walked towards me a familiar face appeared. It wasn’t a random person, it was 2Pac.

I said, “What the…”, and 2Pac asked if I wanted to have some of the fish. I grinned, and pulled a lemon from my sweater pocket.

And then the drugs wore off. I’d been hallucinating for a time, I’m not sure how long, really. Someone had drugged me and brought me out to the woods, that’s why I took cover when I thought I’d heard a wild beast. It really was a human being, but it sure wasn’t 2Pac! But who was it?

The person moved into the glittering moonlight, I could finally see the mysterious face, it was Britney Spears. It all made sense when Madonna walked out from under the cover of a bush, they were shooting a music video and wanted me in it.

But before I could say or do anything, Donald Trump appeared and screamed that he was going to take over the video shoot because he could do it bigger and better than anyone else, and he began building a great, great wall between the three of three of them and me. I woke up—or at least thought I woke up—screaming.

Some of us got that the instructions said two sentences. More that seems controlling to me.

I sighed in relief that it was a just a dream. I idly turned on the TV, only to see a news that Donald Trump had won the election.

I thought OMG just like our American friends,we Canadians will now need a wall run ing the length of our country to keep people from the country south of us from sneaking across and taking our jobs and using our medicare.

Ughh. On a positive note, that disturbing dream didn’t seem too bad to me now.

Thank God it was only the Republican primary! Since Hillary Clinton had recently suffered a heart attack, was there still a chance for a viable Presidential candidate?

Of course! Everything made sense to me now: the river, the manzanita, 2Pac’s trout, the lemon, Brittney, Madonna…

I consulted my book of dream interpretation which said I was obsessing over a power struggle in my life. I had dreamed my own solution, to get away to rejoin nature.

But then it occurred to me that nature is such a tiresome and dirty business of treacherous and malevolent things devouring one another. Perhaps It would be better to enlist in the French Foreign Legion.

So that is what I decided to do. I went online and bought a plane ticket. I would leave in the morning.

As I hurriedly packed, the nagging sensation that flutherites would not put up with my choices spurred me fitfully on.

My first two years in the French foreign legion were pure hell. I did not know one word of French, other than “escargot”.

I never learned much more. “Jerk stupide, perdu, and palissade”, were the better part of my French vocabulary when I finally left to join a circus.

It turned out to be Cirque du Soleil, and it was my ability on the accordion that got me the position. With the “Cirque” I traveled far and wide, and learned more French, as well as a dozen other languages.

After five years…

I became known and loved in many lands. I was begged to be Japan’s new Emperor, which allowed me a stand against the new President in the U.S. who was causing quite a stir.

President Trump having exhausted his stock of insults to Hispanics, was currently going full throttle at hurling invectives toward those of Asian heritage. In keeping with his usual regard for prudent discussion, he now found it necessary to loudly accuse the Japanese of addicting freedom loving Americans to raw fish and rice.

I lived in dread of the day that protocol would require we meet in person; there being only so many times one can send an ambassador in your stead. That time finally came in the form of an overly ornate, engraved invitation from the Trump House to attend the renaming ceremony officially changing the name of the country to Trumplandia.

I arrived at the new garish neon festooned White Palace on Pennsylvania Ave, where the Potomac had been diverted to supply the water for the fountain hurling rainbow hues of water 300 feet into the air.

The rainbows it seemed, were attracting the gays from all over the world. They came in from Iran, and Samoa, and Senegal, and Bangladesh. The Governor of California, although thrilled that there were lots of international gay people congregating in the capitol city of the United States, because they brought with them the fanciful and delicious cuisines of their various nations, was very worried about the wasting of all that water and he begged President Trump to turn off the pumps. The wet, but culinarily minded gays agreed and then they did this…

…dance, whereupon The Donald picked himself up yet another buxom blonde.
Yowza!Finally the governor/governess I need!
He exclaims!

Amid much controversy, Trump trumps all the other world leaders, and makes the U.S. a prospering, proud country again. With most all terrorist groups emasculated and shamed, the world is a more peaceful place, and Trump reaping rewards of praise and glory; better than money, says he.

Jesus wept.

And then I woke up again. It turned out that whilst in the circus I had taken a rather nasty knock to my head and had been concussed for about a week.

This isn’t a story; it’s an argument.

You hit it on the head

And they lived happily ever after.

I then realized I had been day dreaming and forgot about the creature,and to my horror it had just noticed me there in my cover..

It slowly moved its head, or what I assumed to be its head, back and forth, swaying from side to side as though trying to understand what I was and whether I was was worth pursuing.

I suppose it decided I was. All the sudden he charged!

Then, suddenly, it disappeared in a puff of smoke! Then, just as suddenly, it appeared behind me in a puff of smoke!

But just to be clear, it was a different puff of smoke, not the same one it disappeared into.

As it launched itself at my neck I turned ever so gracefully so it got a mouthfull of dirt instead. Then I ran as fast as I could, looking for my friend all the way.

I pulled my colt 45 from it’s holster and did a tuck and roll,when I came up ready for anything it…..

was just too fast the gun was swiped from my hand. Its paw came down hard on my back. The next thing I knew I was….

toast.
It is funny how a simple twist of fate can take you out of your mundane existence and throw you into disastrous circumstance.

Being toast I was eaten. I enjoyed my dangerous decent into a small boy’s stomach.

And yet fate can be a cruel jester.

I could feel the acid as it surrounded me. All the sudden things got brighter, I was in a hospital room

dazed and wondering how a land creature could be quick enough to catch me yet large enough to swallow me whole. I was a mess and covered with

a slimy, sticky mucus that reeked of blood, digestive juices and the fetid, rotting carcasses of whatever else the creature had consumed. The questions came hard and fast: how did I get here; why was I still alive; what am I supposed to do now; where did that tube go that slid up under the sheets and between my legs and what was it doing?

I felt I had escaped death. Was there a reason I had come back, and if there was, what was it?

But no time now for such thoughts. Time to assess my surroundings and formulate a plan of action. I..

Noticed my 45 half buried in the mud, I picked it up,washed the mud off it on the beach, was checking the action when something behind me…...

…touched my neck. I felt the cold, hard steel, and I stiffened when I heard the action of that .45 being pulled into the cocked position. “Put the gun down,” the sultry feminine voice whispered into my ear. She then reached down for my belt and…

MY 45. “M-1911, genuine antique” the voice said behind me.

The voice belonged to Mindy Stafforg very lethal as well as beautiful ,this dame made Cindy Crawford look like a goat, Mindy long time no see what brings you to these swamps?
Mindy hissed, you know damn well what brings me here, do you have it? as she raised her 1911 at me….

menacingly. Whatever she was after, I wasn’t about to admit that I knew nothing about it. Better to stall for time. “Baby, you know if you plug me, you’ll never get it” I said, as calmly as I could manage. A sinister little smirk crawled over her face as she leveled the gun at my…..

…knee, and hissed, “Yeah, but I know how to make you suffer for it.” I grabbed her wrist disabling her shot; a struggle ensued…

bullets flew wildly around as we struggled harming neither of us but shattering the surrounding equipment in the room. I was already dizzy and nauseated from my time in the stomach juices and when the gasses began to fill the air…

I felt myself slipping away. The trancelike expression on Mindy’s face told me that she too was on her way out. I passed out wondering at how I was transported from the room to the beach and back.

WHEN we woke ,we found mad Doctor feel standing there grinning from ear to ear well what do you think he asked us….....

“Did woo breng my goommy worms?” He baby talked.
Egads, this guy is really nuckin futz!

Thinking quickly, I stuck my hand in my pocket, unwrapped a stick of Juicy Fruit gum, rolled it into a tube, and handed it to Doctor Madam, eliciting a deep and satisfied, “MMMMmmmm!” Unfortunately, from the lock of his eyes and the leer on his face, I could tell he’d misinterpreted the whole “unwrap and roll” process I’d used creating his juicy worm.

How did you learn my secret, of the unwrap and roll ,he screamed at us?!!!!

We stumbled to say “Because only your biggest admirers know that secret”
He smiled and declared “I pwoonownce woo my bigwest fwans! woo shall newver weve mwy side!”
To be honest, I have no idea what is going on right now

So, he stuffed the cats into the burlap bag, and took them to market. He tried to sell them as pigs, but the wise consumers would not buy a “pig in a poke”, so he finally had to let the “cats out of the bag”.

What the hell are you talking about I screamed at Mindy?????
But I knew she was up to something…....

SO CONFUSED!!!
“No time to talk” Mindy huffed, “we need to get the radioactive test tubes to the desalination plant before they explode!” I followed her into a black Ferrari and then we took off.

MORK! Mindy screamed.
“DO something! The mad doctor is gaining on us on his Harley, and his flying monkeys aren’t far behind!”

Ork!!! Screamed Mork as a flying monkey attached itself to his testicles with ravenous delight.