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ConfusedFrank's avatar

How to improve lack of self-esteem? Anxiety?

Asked by ConfusedFrank (90points) December 27th, 2015
10 responses
“Great Question” (1points)

After getting rid of my ex who proceeded to tear me down endlessly with how much of a ‘hero’ she was, it left me in a wreck of how worthless I was. She said a lot of mean things, but in the end the reality was I was susceptible to these things, I had a lack of self esteem that I stuck around and dealt with her trash.

I get addicted to push/pull behavior out of girls, I get anxious about ‘why hasn’t she called back!?’ etc. Has anyone here been in deep with these problems but pulled themselves out? What are tips for giving yourself value – esp. in the face of narcissistic abuse of my worhtlessness and their greatness?

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filmfann's avatar

I am probably the worst person to ask.
I embraced self-hatred years ago. I am unworthy of any love or kindness. I acknowledge this, and it frees me of any expectations. When bad things happen, I recognize that I deserve it.

msh's avatar

Welcome @ConfusedFrank!
Sorry for your situation.
#1— Go for councilling PDQ.
You ended bad relationship.
You were both attracted in the beginning.
You liked the drama of the volatile even before you got married?
Or were you fussing over ‘her’ only?
You are pissed off.
Really angry, it seems. And hurt.
You have value. It’s just hard to see ot clearly sometimes.
You are questioning yourself, hurt, Angry, and need to talk to a human trained to help, so you don’t play on this see-saw again.
You guessed it; see #1
You’ll find a good councilor, and be feeling better sooner than being alone in this.
Good luck.
Hang in.
And see #1! :)

marinelife's avatar

You really need to work hard to build self esteem, It doesn’t just happen. I would suggest therapy if you can. To start working on it yourself, read Self Parenting: The Complete Guide to Your Inner Conversations by John Pollard.

The other thing that you can do is write down some affirmations for you to say standing in front of a mirror. It is very important that you say them out loud. You can use your own words, but be careful not to cloak negative self talk as affirmations. Here are some that you can use.

I am a good person.
I have value just the way I am.
I love myself as I am.

Repeat them each three times out loud even if they feel awkward or untrue! Do it daily. Or each time you catch yourself thinking something negative about yourself.

Good luck. It is worth it. The change is remarkable. You will be so at peace.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

I used to be mired in bogs of self-loathing and active self-hatred. It came from growing up gay in a place and time that abhorred that. I came through it with many years of therapy, medication, meditation, and exercise.

Find a way to get therapy. When you find a therapist, be extremely open. It will feel very odd at first to be open with a stranger. Do it anyway. The therapist will not attempt to instruct you on how to fix your problems. Instead, s/he will guide you through your own ideas about how to get better. You have to fix yourself. It can take a very long time, so be patient.

I am not a doctor, nor do I know your situation fully. I cannot guess on the Internet whether or not you need medication.

Try meditation. There is no wrong way to meditate. Sit quietly for as little as 2 minutes. 5 minutes is a good amount of time to start. Don’t do anything while you sit. Don’t smoke. Don’t rock. Don’t read. Just sit. Relax as best you can. Let your muscles release their tension. Breathe evenly. Close your eyes. Let your mind do whatever it’s going to do. Don’t try to control it. If you can, concentrate on your breathing.

Get some exercise. Walking or running are good. It honestly helps.

And thank you for returning here to Fluther and sharing your quest to improve yourself. Many people never start this journey. You can do it. I did. You can, too.

Love_my_doggie's avatar

Step 1 was making the change from girlfriend to ex-girlfriend. An abusive relationship is a downward spiral; when you’re mistreated, you lose sight yourself, become unable to break away, and stay for more abuse. Now that you’ve ended the cycle, this crippling relationship can no longer diminish you. You’ll get some perspective and allow the healing to begin.

Step 2 is rebuilding your self-esteem. @Hawaii_Jake makes an excellent suggestion about exercise. If you enjoy living within your own body, your spirit will follow. What better way to get through the January Blahs while simultaneously getting past your ex? Also, what are some things that you do very well, and that give you satisfaction? If you have any hobbies or interests that bring a sense of accomplishment, now’s a good time to pursue them.

Step 3 happens when you stop being angry at the guy in the mirror. Yes, when you get past the hurt, you’ll sort through those emotions and realize just how angry you are. You blame yourself for having ignored blatant warning signs and allowed a nasty person to hold so much power over you.

Good luck with all this. Here’s to making this bad time in your life a very brief one.

Heisenberg's avatar

Do you feel this way about yourself…Impostor syndrome (also spelled imposter syndrome, also known as impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome) is a term coined in the 1970s by psychologists and researchers to informally describe people who are unable to internalize their accomplishments.
This is the reason for my anxiety. I feel like I’m not good enough (as a contributing human being). I often have panic attacks because I’m afraid if I’m around too many people, they will discover my shortcomings (which I really don’t have). My advise is to take a few minutes in a darkened area, alone, and think to yourself why you are a good person as compared to a bad person. Give yourself credit for the good things you do in life. Even if you are not recognized for it. I do a lot of volunteer work and when I see someone smile because I did something nice for them, that makes me feel worth.

Tellitasitis's avatar

What may help is gratitude…make a list of things you’re grateful for. t
This will boost your self-esteem…and don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re worthless!

CugelTheClueless's avatar

Build self-esteem by
1. Achieving something. Develop your talents and get to work. Heard of the 10,000 hour rule? Better get started if you haven’t already.
2. Being a decent person. Even if you are completely mediocre and unable to distinguish yourself in any field, you can treat your fellow human beings with respect, help the less fortunate, and work to leave the world a little bit better than you found it.
3. Keeping things in perspective. Read the Rubaiyat and the Book of Ecclesiastes. In the big picture, you’re probably not much worse than anybody else, and even the most gifted and accomplished and mightiest among us will feed the worms soon enough. Just do your best.

ConfusedFrank's avatar

Just being separate from her has helped so tremendously its pretty insane. Insane for how much she brought me down, and how good I am feeling BEING AWAY FROM HER.

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