Respect the fact that no matter what, the baby’s needs come first.

@ZEPHYRA It’s my primary concern and the reason I’m trying to think so hard on this. It’s one thing to make someone sad if you break up, it’s another to let a child grow to love you then disappear suddenly.

There are many things to consider when you date a woman with kids. Some people believe it is rather shallow of men not to wanting to date or get involved because she has kids, but there are these:

• Depending on the age of the children they will not respect you, they will say you are not their father.
• The kids will not respect you and the mother will not tell them to respect you as her spouse.
• Women often see the kids as her kids, and you can’t make hard choices for them or punish them as you would your blood kids, but buying them all sorts of goodies is OK.
• You have baby daddies to deal with who want to try and micromanage how you raise their kids.
• The lack of spontaneity is also there, but a small consideration.

@Esedess I’ll take some flak for this but if it was me at an age south of 30….I would not consider it. If you must… realize that the kid will always come first. You will have to be ok with raising a child that is not your own and that means loving it like your own. That said if you are going to have kids you had better consider the logistics of when. I waited and now it’s basically too late for me (I’m just shy of 40). More information beyond that is needed. Why did she get a divorce because you could end up as big D#2 so be sure you have all of the information about it. Why did you get a divorce? Are you really ready to jump into it again? What about finances, living arrangements etc..etc..

The baby comes before you. Now and forever. Or, at least the next 20 years.

Do you like children? Enjoy spending time with them? Teaching them? Helping them? If not, then you have to get out. If you love all of that, but just aren’t sure you want the responsibility associated with the child living I your home, I think it’s ok to keep moving forward in the relationship.

Do you want children of your own? Will she have more? Is the father around? Does she have a good relationship with him?

I wanted kids and like them, so if I was dating someone I personally wouldn’t mind if they had children. You are getting to an age where most people will have children. Not all of course, but a lot.

I applaud you for thinking so thoroughly and sensitively about this. You are right that you need to decide how far you want to commit yourself to this early on. Beyond that, only you can decide how much you care for this woman and how much her having a child will be an impediment to your life.

The big thing for you to consider is whether or not you are prepared for fatherhood. Because if you are a decent human being, there is no avoiding many of the functions associated with the role, and you won’t believe how rapidly those functions will manifest in front of you. This is the supreme case of “love me, love my dog”, and your consideration of moving down the road with this woman and her infant should begin ( I believe) with a rock solid understanding of the dynamics between the baby’s dad and mother and child.

Can you have honest conversations with her about what she would expect from you? Would she allow and expect you to raise the kid with her, and discipline the kid? As you become more serious are you willing to be financially responsible for the child’s needs? Would you consider adopting the child as time went on? Are you comfortable with being alone with the child, and is she also comfortable with that?

If you don’t see her as at least marriage potential I wouldn’t bother. You are right about involving yourself in the kid’s life and then disappearing one day.

You better get used to the fact that the baby comes first…no matter what…and that’s how it should be!

@JLeslie
Yes, I like children and want them. I like her daughter.
Yes, she would have more.
The father is around occasionally. She doesn’t trust or like him as a person anymore. I haven’t met him, and he doesn’t know about me.

At the most shallow portion of my thought process, my hesitations are simply for the lack of any intimate time her and I will be able to have together. I’m not just talking about sex here. Part of the joy of being with someone, especially in the “honeymoon” phase, is being able to go do fun things together. Going camping, or a nice night out, or even just falling asleep and waking up next to each other. But all that’s off the table here. We can never fully immerse ourselves. She’s never spent the night because, obviously, she has a kid to get home to… It’s understandable; I’m not faulting her for her responsibilities. I’m just pointing out the lack of intimacy it dictates by its very nature.
And now, here I’m left trying to decide the furthest extents of a relationship (fatherhood and marriage) with a woman I’ve never even slept in the same bed with, or spent a whole day with. @AdventureElephants Yes, i see her as potential marriage material… BUT JESUS CHRIST, it’s such a faint glimmer at this point. I barely know her. That’s the truth. You don’t see someone a handful of times for a few hours over the span of a couple months and decided something so drastic. If that were the case there wouldn’t even be dating. It would just be |marriage|. I’ve been in two 4 year relationships, and one 7 year… I’ve been around enough to know I’ve never had to think about such serious matters so early on; and I don’t think anyone should have to. It’s like asking a 6 year old to decide their career 16 years ahead of time, and set it in stone.

And even those (valid by my standard) concerns pale in comparison to the real issues. The deeper trains of thought that many of you have pointed out, which emerge in the event I step deeper into this situation. If I do, my entire lifestyle has to shift 180°. If it doesn’t work out, not only will I have hurt her, but her daughter as well.

What I’m starting to feel like is that if I can’t say I’ll marry her tomorrow, then I can’t say forsure that I won’t hurt her and the kid eventually, so I should just say no now and avoid the whole thing entirely… I was hoping that wasn’t the case. That I’d be able to explore the potentials organically as you would with most other relationships. But that just doesn’t work here apparently. It’s all or nothing. The proverbial “Do or do not. There is no try.”

Unfortunately, I think I know what that means… I won’t risk jumping in if I can’t test the waters, but I can’t test the waters so I won’t jump in.
She’s so cute and smart too you guys… God damnit! Why’d she have to make a person!? At least at this point it’ll end on good terms. No animosity. Maybe we can even stay friends. Who knows~ Still sucks regardless…

I really don’t understand why you wouldn’t keep dating her after everything you said. But, it doesn’t matter what I think, and I might be missing something.

@JLeslie
Because there’s so much I don’t have an answer to.
I don’t know if I can handle changing my lifestyle so drastically.
I don’t know if I can be okay never having those fun honeymoon experiences with someone I’m dating, especially at a point in my life when I actually have the time and money to go do such things.
I don’t know if it would permanently work out between us.
I don’t know if I’m ready to be a parent.
I don’t know her that well.

…and it’s not fair to drag her through my experimental prodding of those questions to find out.

^ then it is quite evident, you need to move n and find someone that will keep you up late, get you up early, and while you are awake make you rev like mad; and it ain’t her.

Does she have full custody, or does the dad have the daughter sometimes?

@AdventureElephants She has full custody. He has visitation.

that sucks

Alright, bail out now. I agree it’s the right thing to do if you are going to feel stifled, or that you will missing out on something, settling.

I still kind of don’t get it, but I truly believe the path to marriage should feel like the most natural thing in the world. You date, fall in love, want to be together all the time, and then you can’t imagine not being together. If the person has a kid you have to like being with the kid too. If you stay with her it will never feel natural like that I don’t think. You will be compromising too much on what you want the relationship to be.

Some things I think you might be overly negative about, like once you live together she won’t be leaving to go home to her kid. However, there will be tons of times the child interrupts and interferes with plans, relaxing, and will probably mean less time with your SO than if you were dating someone childless.

I give you credit for knowing yourself. That’s admirable.

Another thing to consider is that the daughter’s father may be jealous of your relationship with both the mother and the child. There’s no telling what he may do to interfere. He may also be fine, who knows.

I seem to recall your asking questions about your relationship with this lady in the past. I’m traveling with only my phone now so my ability to search is limited.

Look – she is going to be in relationships and she is going to get hurt. And her daughter is too young to be looking for a father figure as yet. So i don’t think you have to think at this point that you are committing to marrying her if you continue to date her. Shit happens in life – as I well know. But the other points you bring up about what the relationship will continue to lack for you and how many fun things you will be missing are very valid and it may make sense to back away now.

Again, I think you are being remarkably thoughtful. If I were 30 (err, 35) years younger, I’d be happy to meet you!

I agree with the others.

If the child will be seen as competition for her attention, and a burden to your fun, then this is not the relationship you need.

There’s nothing wrong with getting exactly what you want and need out of a relationship. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like this one is it.

Lots of good advice to consider so far.

You’ve been in three relationships that total over ½ of your life. Have you ever spent much time as a single, independent person who is free of relationship intricacies? I bet many of us can testify that a lot personal growth occurs when we’re single and uncommitted.

Thank you for all the great advice. I really appreciate it!

@jca
Those questions were about a different girl. Obviously, I just have great luck with women~ ~ =/

@bossob
I haven’t spent much time being single. At this point it’s just been about a year since I was in a real relationship. I know it’s something I need to experience more of. Admittedly, I just like having that form of intimacy in my life. But it’s less a necessity now than it has ever been before.