I want to know.
My parents had me when they were older, so I am aware that they will be gone sooner in my lifetime than my peers’ parents will in theirs. And we’ve got some stuff to work out yet… Knowing how much time we have would be helpful in that way. I’m afraid I won’t have enough.
Knowing my own death would, I feel, give me a sense of bounds for my life. Or maybe a sense of control. I like feeling in control, but often I don’t… it all feels rather nebulous and far away. But I also have these weird moments of walking along the sidewalk, thinking “you could trip and fall into traffic and that would be it.”
But I know I treat things differently when I know their expiration date. Had a job where I would be working with people for a year, then things changed and we were only working together for three months. I pulled way back, stopped trying to get to know them, because all I could see was having to say goodbye to them at the end.
I want to know, but maybe I shouldn’t know.