Growing up, I knew someone in particular who continually reinforced the idea that while women might be intellectually capable, femininity is weak. He argued that women undermined themselves and sabotaged other women; that a “womanly” egalitarian approach was inferior to a “masculine” hierarchy of authority; that masculinity and competiveness went hand in hand; that prettiness was inversely related to intelligence; that my going against his arguments was my choosing to be weak and inferior. When I got older—went through puberty and was dancing more—it flipped, and suddenly he said I was a “pretty” and “graceful” “young woman”—his words. And if I was out with him and someone who happened to be a guy happened to, say, open up a door, he would tell me it was because the guy thought I was pretty and was interested in me…. Basically, he says that gender norms could be “fixed” since today women can be strong and successful like men—but for him, strength and success are tied to masculinity, which means women who act “feminine” are their own worst enemies… But then, it’s those “feminine” qualities that he believes makes women attractive. He claims that he appreciates his wife’s intellectual individuality, but he gets upset when she disagrees with his reasoning, or challenges his opinion, etc. (He doesn’t get upset when talking about the same subjects with male friends of his.) He’s indicated in other moments that he’s insecure with his masculinity. I think that factors in. It’s hard for me to not think it’s because he really wants the doting, decorative wife—his wife is strong and compassionate and clear spoken instead, what he thought he wanted, but what he doesn’t seem willing to accept.
Back to gender norms more generally—I think we have had some incredible sociopolitical success for the equality of the sexes. I’m less convinced, however, that the more implicit gender-norm structure has gone away. I think there’s a tension between the implicit cultural roles and the sex-equality we all want… And that tension seems to express itself in contradictions and anger, etc…
Like @Mariah I’m finding many more people actively not conforming to gender roles in various ways… which makes me hopeful! I think gender norms need to go.