This is hard, yet it is something you will have to process.

Your mom is not your responsibility, it is not your fault, and it is not anything about you. You can be there for your sister and your grandparents and your father too. And they in turn will be there for you. It is time to support each other.

Good luck, and hang in there.

I’d want to confirm my mother was alive/safe/healthy.

Details of upset/anger etc can be dealt with once you know your mother is ok.

Have you talked directly to the police about this?

I found out the other week (when police came to our door searching for a neighbour who had been missing for less than 12 hours) that they will come out pretty much immediately if there is a concern for someone’s health or safety.

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Have you posted on FB asking if anyone has seen your mother? that seems to work reasonably well for finding some people.

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I would suggest letting your sister know that there is some trouble at home and that you will be trying to get in touch with your mother so she won’t be surprised to hear about it some other way. Also tell your father that you are looking for your mother.

This doesn’t sound criminal, and running away is not illegal. Cruel, maybe, but not illegal. The police likely won’t have much interest when they hear that the mother was cheating on the husband.

All that said, keep looking. It’s not all that hard to disappear if you’re smart about it.

A police search is not a bad idea to be on the safe side.
Don’t you think that once she gets settled she will contact you and your sister?

Let her do what she wants. She’s an adult. She must’ve a reason why she did that, perhaps an issue your parents never told you about. I would try to understand her reasons first before judging her as a horrible person. I believe that your father is not the all good guy and free from fault, there’s no smoke without fire. Obviously, she should be wise enough at her age to have raised a family this far. If she’s really happy with another person then you should respect her decision and accept the reality that relationship in marriage won’t always work, or at least, it doesn’t last forever.

I don’t think it’s all on her, I know my father can be scary sometimes so I want to hear her side too. It seems really out of character for her.

I sorta maybe kinda hacked her Facebook account >_< I didn’t see anything bad but I did see she had been talking to a friend about how she had felt depressed. I didn’t read far into the conversation but it seemed like her friend knew something. I messaged her from my own account and my mom called me. Didn’t tell me much other that my father hasn’t told me everything and she would call me back later today to talk to me in detail.

At this point i feel a lot better because at the very least I know she is safe. I don’t care as much about their marital problems, but she’s not in w ditch somewhere so the weight has been lifted off of my shoulders

It sounds like your mom is having a mid-life crisis of epic proportions. However, to just disappear is a far cry from leaving a marriage and hooking up with another man or even bouts of adolescent drinking binges, all of which can occur when someone is suffering an identity crisis and decides a cataclysmic break is the answer. If your mom is acting completely out of character, clearly she is in some state of emotional crisis. I am sure she will turn up/make contact with one of you pretty soon. In the meantime, as hard as it is, yep, you have no choice but to take a wait and see approach.

Good luck, I know this must be a disconcerting thing to deal with.

Your most recent contact with your mom and she said that your father has not told you everything is important element of you understanding this turn of events.

My ex wife packed her bags and upped and left me for the heroin addict she was having an affair with. She never told me why she left but she has told me a few times since it was the biggest mistake she ever made.

People can get caught up in affairs when their emotional needs are not being met and they confide in other people whose attention will provide needed emotional comfort that can then lead to full blown affairs.

Let your mom fill in the blanks here. You could also approach your dad and let him know what your mom has said about more to the story here and let him know you would like to hear his side of the story from him first. Best of luck to you!

@Lulu4500 , I’m glad to see you’ve made contact with your mother.

It’s good to know she is safe.

Yup – there will be two sides (at least) to what’s gone on with your parents.
Most important (IMNSHO) is knowing they’re both safe.

They can sort out their own relationship and then you and your sister will figure out where you fit around any changes that develop.

It must be a big relief to know that your mother’s safe. She called because she loves you, and because none of this is your fault.

Please read @Cruiser‘s words closely. His own experience is very similar to your family’s situation. He speaks wisely and can help you understand your father’s pain.

How old are you, @Lulu4500? I’m guessing that you’re a teenager and still in high school? When a parent fails to fulfill his/her duties, whether by death, illness, or abandonment, he/she leaves a profound void. It’s never fair when children need to be the grown-ups and take on such adult problems. Sadly, this happens all too often. Please know that you can’t fix your mother; just be her daughter, not her pseudo-parent, and go on loving her.

@Love_my_doggie, she wrote in the OP: ”...my fiancé and I have our own house so we are kinda adulting at this point and my parents have been empty nesters.” I think she’s past high school. She also sounds like she’s handling this in a pretty mature way, all in all.

When my parents split, I was 25 and had been on my own for several years. It was still pretty hard to take all the upset and distress. You’re right that we can’t fix our parents, no matter how old we (or they) are. I remember telling them, when they tried to draw me into the middle of it: “You got into this by yourselves, and you’re going to have to get out of it by yourselves.” I don’t even know where I got the sense and the strength to say that, other than the fact that I felt helpless to do anything about it anyway.

I disagree with @Cruiser and his advice that you should tell Dad what Mom said. You absolutely DO NOT want to be in the middle. NO NO NO .

Listen to mom, listen to dad, but do NOT in any way get caught in the center of a ‘he said, she said’ argument.

Oh, you’re absolutely right @Jeruba. The first three paragraphs had left me so emotionally drained, I breezed past that sentence.

The thought does stand, though, as you’ve agreed – it’s not possible for us to fix our parents (or anyone else, for that matter, although parents are especially poignant).

@elbanditoroso I don’t think @Cruiser was suggesting that @Lulu4500 should be the third party in a dysfunctional triangle. I took his words to mean that @Lulu4500 shouldn’t be keeping secrets from or siding with either parent. Silence could be unhealthiest form of triangulation.

Yeah I’m 25, it’s still a pretty hard situation. I understand it’s their issue though, not mine, I just want everyone to be okay.

No one knows I have been in touch with her. She said she needed the time away and I will respect that. I mainly just needed to know that she was okay. My father said she had been binge drinking and a whole lot of other things and had me freaking out. However when I talked to her she sounded sober, fine, and sane but just emotionally drained and sad.

She wouldn’t tell me where she was because she didn’t want me to have to lie to my dad. She also said that she didn’t tell me anything earlier because she didn’t want me involved, and that she’s sorry my dad dragged me into this. At this point I don’t know who to believe. I’m waiting for everything to pan out and I will just listen to both sides. They’re both messed up emotionally right now but they’re safe which is the most important thing.

@elbanditoroso By the way, I wasn’t dismissing your advice or disregarding you in any way. Your opinions are highly valued.

I would want to know she is safe. I’m not trying to be dramatic, but I’ve heard too many stories of women who went away but were actually victims of crime. If nobody has heard from her, she hasn’t taken her phone, and nobody has seen any activity from her, I’d report her as missing. She can get shitty with you if she’s off being alone, but not doing something and it turning out to be something more sinister would be worse (IMO). The police can check she is accessing her bank accounts/money. I hope your mum is okay. I’m sorry you are going through this. You must be very worried.

@Earthbound_Misfit She has heard from her mom.
I’m relieved also. I watch too many of those Dateline shows where women are taken and never heard from again.

My family went through a nearly identical situation several years back. In our case, the only option was to give everyone time and space. We were supportive of one another and we waited for her to come around when she was ready, though we were all hurt and resentful… and angry, that took time, as well. Ultimately, we were able to find out that she was alright through friends of hers, so that might be something to consider looking into, if it’s an option. I just saw in the replies that you spoke with your mom, so that is a relief.

Sorry that you’re going through this, I really am. I remember how confusing and devastating it is to watch someone who is supposed to be a pillar of consistency in your life seemingly lose their marbles.

I read none of the other responses, so I may repeat or contradict them. You were open and honest, so I’ll try for the same.

First off, let me say that I’m glad that you had Fluther to unload on, and felt comfortable here. Next I’ll say you did an amazing job at being concise. Bordering on eloquent.

I agree with your dad. She is likely with the other guy, and safe. I’d go so far as to think that her and the other guy had talked about this scenario, and had a plan in place. Including what to take from your dad.

Basically, it sounds like the only potential way you have to reach her is Facebook. She hasn’t logged onto her account, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t monitoring it through the other guy, or a fake account. Were I you, I’d be tempted to post a link to this question to her Facebook. Barring that, I would post plaintive, honest appeals for contact.
The same for email accounts, or other means of contact.

I can only wish you peace.

I know you’re raw. But remember that your mother is, in many ways, you, grown up. And unhappy. She made happy. It’s what human’s do. Hopefully your dad will be able to unhurt himself and find peace, if not happy.

The hardest part of becoming an adult is realizing our parents are just human too. I’m glad she is safe and I understood your anguish when she was missing.

Allow her this moment of whatever it is. I bet you had moments too when you acted differently and or oddly, yet she loved you anyway?

We don’t always understand people’s behaviour. That is the frustrating part, but we have no way of controlling their behaviour. Stand back now and recover from the trauma of her vanishing for a while. Spend time with your partner doing nurturing things and let the parents sort themselves out.

by the way @Coloma had a great point. I don’t know her age, but menopause is a trying time for women. In many ways we/they can become like teenagers again without the benefits.

The others have said nearly all there is to say. It does bear mentioning that she may have planned to get out for some time, but waited until you and your sister were grown and out of the house to do so. So many people remain in unhappy marriages for “the sake of the children”.

I hope everyone involved is able to find their happy.

What are the chances she’s suffering from mental illness? Could she be having some sort of psychotic break or even a manic episode?

Wonder what ever happened with this thread? Did @Lulu4500 and her mom ever get back together? Has she come to terms with it all? Did mom and dad ever reconcile or was it a permanent split?

@rojo – Tune in next week for the next exciting installment of @Lulu4500 ‘s life. On the NBC television network.

That’s the problem with a lot of these hit-and-run people. They are here, ask their questions, and never return. We are left hanging.

@Lulu4500 ‘s been here again since asking this question – to ask what to do in Anaheim.

Maybe she will return and let me know.