When I was 17, I had a near-death experience in June, and for the rest of the summer, I didn’t rest as much as I should have to heal up, I spent it feverishly trying to spend every waking minute busy doing something, anything, that felt like it meant something. Eventually I got tired and had to rest. It wasn’t healthy, and I still struggle with this mindset. I get a lot of self-loathing when I waste time. It’s hard to let myself relax.
I’m not the NASA engineer I wanted to be when I was 14, life got in the way, but my reduced career goals allow me to be healthy, and I’m still doing work that feels meaningful to me.
I don’t go out a whole lot, and sometimes I hate myself for that because I feel like I’m not making memories or taking advantage of my youth, but it is my nature to be a bit of a homebody, and often when I’m out I just spend the time wishing I was home anyway.
I think I’m doing the best I can on this front.