@zenvelo @BellaB I think what I’m not communicating well is I would really like to be close to family, and happy to be helpful, but my husband’s family can sometimes be ungrateful and if they want to dislike you (to feel better about themselves) they’ll decide whatever you do isn’t adequate or is uncouth or whatever. They alternate on which relative is on the list to dislike in a given year. In times of stress is when they are to the hilt with these sort of things.
I’ll give you an example of how they can be.
My BIL years ago was living with his parents after a break up with an SO he was living with. Months and months past, and then he started dating someone new and decided to move to NY to live with him. He hadn’t told anyone about the relationship or the move until about two weeks before he was leaving. When he moved, my FIL had just been told by a doctor to get a colonoscopy. Without telling the whole story, my MIL and SIL decided my BIL was a piece of crap for leaving suddenly, especially when his father was going to get a colonscopy and might have cancer. Background: he was in his 60’s and had never had a colonoscopy.
Skip forward, colonoscopy was completely fine. Months and months go by without any contact back and forth between my BIL and his mom or sister. His brother doesn’t call us either, but my husband and his brother don’t call each other much anyway. My husband and I think the whole thing is ridiculous. We aren’t angry at all. Before my BIL left I gave him my sisters phone number; she lives in NYC.
Time passes, and near Christmas we get his brother’s address from his dad and send a Christmas card. My husband’s entire family decides we were telling his brother to fuck off by sending a Christmas card.
Insane right?
So, I do what I want to do, but I don’t spend too much effort. What makes this a little tricky is, the person I’m talking about in particular has helped me when I have been sick. She’s really good with that sort of thing. She also can be very judgmental about how things should be done.