Psychological. it’s about power.

You don’t love her, but you still need to dominate her and assert your power over her. And since you can’t just slug her in the face, you revert to one of the most basic male dominance urges – sex.

You may be an intelligent man, but underneath it all, you’re a male.

For what ever reason and we can’t know why, resist it.

Easy.
Great sex often clouds the issues in a dysfunctional relationship. My ex husband and I had a rockin’ sex life but the rest of the relationship was pretty fucked up. Poor communication, ( his…haha) and other, less than stellar issues such as lying and deceit, even though there were a lot of times where things were okay/stable.
. A lot of couples think that good sex is the glue of a relationship, that if the sex is good then somehow the rest of the issues can’t be insurmountable.

No, sex is the frosting on the cake and of the cake is flat, or moldy, well…...
Recognize this for what it is and DO NOT do something stupid!
It;s over! You have filed for divorce, n going back and why would you WANT to?

Thanks guys.
Coloma I relate to what you’re saying, we didn’t communicate well and she was deceitful too.

I guess I know I should never be with her again, but I have these urges to try to make her love me and I know what’s irresistible to her and how to get her back, but the relationship was shit.
Maybe I’m addicted to emotional pain?
I guess I do want to have some kinda power over her because she dumped me, got back together and dumped me again so now I’m like “wanna play games?”
Love is fucked up, or maybe I just never found real love???

@Danebiggs Real love is not fucked up, dysfunctional love is. Dude, take it from a ( most likely ) older and wiser woman, take some space, a LOT of space, do your WORK and when you are ready to start seeking a new relationship you will be wiser and healthier. Sit with your emotional shit, don’t act on impulse, and do the work. The only way out is through, no shortcuts.

Your ego is bruised, and you want to pump it up again by proving to yourself you can seduce your ex. Fuck that, just sit with your pain and let it happen, and when you do, these urges will dissipate.
Love yourself first, and always!

You are horny and have struck out with other gals at the bar. Time to get new beer goggles.

I think it’s because you haven’t met anyone else yet.

Thanks Coloma.
You’re right, I have to tough it out and move on because we’ve been on again off again since we started dating over 10 years ago.
We have intense make up sex, but the problems never get fixed because can’t talk things out and she doesn’t believe in compromise so we just hate each other again in no time.

I guess I watch too many movies and I feel like after I kiss her we’re supposed to live happily ever after, but I guess it’s more complicated than romantic comedies portray?

In real life there isn’t always a happy ending. : (

Thanks Cruiser, I haven’t struck out yet.
I haven’t even tried since my marriage ended a year ago.
I do still get horny for my ex at times, but It confuses me more than anything.
We’re done, but I still kinda love her big butt. : )

I think you’re right FlutherOther.
I can’t wait to hopefully meet a woman who’s better for me and who gets me.
I dream of finding a true connection and loving a woman with all my heart again someday and being truely loved in return.
I’ll keep searching…
Thanks

@Danebiggs For what it’s worth, I had lunch with my Ex last week. We’ve been split up for five years and I’m good but I still feel a tug towards him. I don’t think the conflicting feelings ever truly go away but I think you’ll feel crappier if you have sex with her again.

@Danebiggs: I’ve never been married so I don’t speak from personal experience, but maybe you do still love her, maybe just a little. Just because you’re getting a divorce doesn’t mean the feelings get erased like a blackboard. Also, maybe in the back of your mind you’re remembering the good times, the fun family celebrations, vacations, the good sex, etc.

In the lawyer’s office??

Thanks for the responses guys.
Janbb You’re right I probably would feel worst if I had sex with my ex.
I try to stay in contact daily about our child’s schedule and I still am so attracted to her physically, but we stress each other out so bad and we have a lot of unresolved issues.
I feel calm when we’re not together.
Plus I could never trust her so now I don’t have to care about her lies anymore.

Thanks Jca,
I definitely still have feelings for her and I do spend time going through old pictures and wondering how she could just forget about all the time we spent together and how great some of it was.
I send her pictures of us kissing at our wedding etc. sometimes and say “Thanks for the memories.”
I really just want her to feel the pain I feel sometimes.
Anyway, I saw something on tv last night about relationships.
The line was
“Nobody does anything wrong love just fades, that’s just how people are.”
It made me think that I’m overanalizing why my ex cheated.
Maybe our love just faded and I need to find a stronger bond with someone else.

Thanks Kritiper.
No we are trying to order forms online because we shouldn’t have a contested divorce.
Hopefully we can agree on the terms so we can just file our papers with the courts and avoid lawyer fees.

@Danebiggs And by the way, Welcome to Fluther. Stick around – we can be contentious but are generally a helpful bunch.

Danebiggs: Another thing about Fluther, if you type in the ”” sign, a list of people who posted previously on the thread will pop up, and then you can click on the name of the person you’re addressing. That way, it will be printed in red, as you see the red fonted names above. Welcome to Fluther!

I don’t know why my first sentence looks so weird, above, but what I said was “if you type in the ”@” sign…...

Well, did you resist the urge? I hope so.

My ex husband offered to pay me to have sex with him.

@janbb and @jca
Thanks for the warm welcome.

@marinelife
I didn’t meet with her yet.
I should just stay away from her because I am weak around her, I am attracted to her and I know that we might fight or end up hooking up.
Neither is healthy for us at this point.
It can’t be just sex between us because I really loved her and that makes it really confusing.
I need space to get my mind right.
I’ll let you know if I mess up and give in to temptation, LoL.

@Dutchess_III
Wow!!!
That’s crazy, how did you handle that situation?

Just told him he was gross and walked out.

@Dutchess_III
Good for you, at least you have your dignity.
I respect people who try not to use others for sex, money etc.

Confidence has never been an issue for me. However, I really could have used the money! I was so fucking broke, caring for all of our kids with no help from him.

@Dutchess_III
Aww.. that sucks that he did that to you, kinda get how you feel though.
I only have one kid, but my ex and I live separate and she works 2 jobs and is hardly around.
I have my son most of the time except in the evenings I can leave him for a few hours with his grandma and go to work.
My ex doesn’t pay any kinda child support or anything she just blow’s her money and takes our son when she feels like it so I know what it’s like to be a broke single parent, but I get by and I actually feel sorry for her at times because I can always work more later in life, but she can never get this time with our child back.
He’s growing so fast, but I’ll never regret being broke because I have a good bond with him and that’s priceless in my opinion.

Why would you want to have sex with a woman like that?

I don’t know?
I mean she’s sexy, but
I met her when we were 21 and she’s beautiful and I did everything for her.
I spent every dime I had on her, we moved in together right away and I even taught her how to drive a car.
I loved her, but she is a hard person to understand.
She has the face of an angel, but she doesn’t seem to have a conscience.
I don’t think she truely loved me.
I don’t know if she knows’ what love is really.
After many years together I’ve gotten used to being lied to and taken advantage of.
I don’t really know what it’s like to be in any other relationship so I guess I need to find a way to let her go.
Even though she’s done horrible things I kinda feel guilty for not loving her anymore, like I feel bad for her because I don’t know what her future’s gonna be like because she hurts people.
Maybe I have Stockholm syndrome??
It’s confusing, I hate her but I still long for her and want to hold her when I see her.

How long were you together? It’s very hard. You’re so used to having that person there and around.

We were together 15 years total, married 10 and always just on the verge of getting back together.
It’s a pattern she’s left and came back so many times that I got numb to it.
Me and her mom even laughed when she leaves it’s just a chance for me to clean the house then she’ll be back to mess it up again.
Anyway, I don’t know what to do?
She cheats and hurts me so bad, but I know she needs me.
I guess If I meet someone new that treats me well I can still try to be a friend to my ex because I care about her almost like a daughter.
Her dad was never around and even though we’re the same age I always felt like I was filling this father role for her and that can’t be healthy in a marriage.
Oh welI, I’m still blessed to be alive and I have a wonderful child and I really have nothing to complain about compared to people who are really suffering in this world.

I lost all desire to have sex with my ex when things started going south.

Yeah, one time we had make-up sex and it was great and I kissed her whole face and told her how much I loved her and we held each other all night then the next day she felt bad and started slowly admitting to having cheated a lot.
After that she wanted me to make love to her, but I kinda hated her and could only fuck her and then I’d lay awake next to her at night disgusted by her and it never got better between us.

That’s something I don’t understand, how men can have sex even if they’re disgusted or angry with their S/O.

I was confused, hurt and part of me wanted to show her that I can do it better.
I couldn’t believe what she’d done it was a nightmare come true.
She said she just wanted her husband back and that she had fun with me and that I actually made love to her and now she knows the difference.
I just wanted her and tried to pretend that nothing happened, but you can’t honestly make love to someone you don’t love anymore, I tried.
I don’t want to talk about this anymore honestly.
I just want to move on, thanks for listening.

@Danebiggs Sounds like you’ve covered it nicely and now you know what to do. IMO, making love to someone you’re finished with just muddies the waters.

@janbb
I guess talking about some of these painful things has reminded me that l would be insane to hook up with her and go through all of this over again.
I got depressed just reading some of the stuff I wrote on this thread so I think I should put the Divorce on hold and continue to keep some healthy space between my ex and I.
Thanks.

Getting divorced will help you get some healthy space but you don’t need to engage with her during it. Can you have separate meetings during the process?

If we want to bring lawyers into it I guess we would be doing it separately.
It will cost more and she’ll probably end up having to pay child support or even spousal support and we’d have to have a custody agreement and set days of visitation so she’d have to quit her crazy work schedule and take care of our son more.
I would have more time to work and more money overall, but she’s selfish about money and she always works multiple jobs and lies about being at work and on and on…Basically if our divorce was actually fair she would throw a fit and make my life hell. Honestly I’m still scared of her even though I don’t have to walk on eggshells anymore and we don’t live together.
I do value my time with my don and she doesn’t always treat him the best so I’m kinda worried about leaving him with her at times.
I know I should get a lawyer it’s just that she leaves me alone now and there’s somedays thst I’m actually happy.
I’m scared to start fighting with her again expecially about money or her jobs, she get’s nasty if anyone fucks with her money.

That’s why lawyers are so important. You only get one chance to do this right. You sound like you’r walking away from trouble now for more trouble down the road. Don’t be foolish.

However, if you’re not strong enough to fight for your rights against her now, maybe do leave the final divorce settlement til you’ve detached more. I wasn’t ready to face the divorce process when my Ex first suggested we start. i ended up with an excellent arrangement once I was ready to face the process.

@Danebiggs You need to quit worrying about what she will do, how she will behave. You MUST get a lawyer and she will need to pay child support depending on your agreement of custody. If she fails to honor a court order or pay her fair share she will be in contempt of court. This women is abusive, a liar, a cheater and it is no longer your problem how she feels or deals with a divorce agreement.

Dude, you have to man up here and not let this woman control you any longer, not mentally, not emotionally, not financially, not in terms of a fair custody arrangement. She set things up this way, made her bed, so to speak, so now she gets to lie in it, for better or for worse. This too shall pass and the shit storm of stress will not last forever. Do what is fair and right for YOU and your son and screw her. ( No, not literally. lol )

Thanks @janbb and @Coloma
You guys are absolutely right.
I need to take my time and do this right. I need the be counselled about my rights because she used to threaten to take our son and move away if I stood up to her about anything.
I just need to find out what control I have if any to stop her from taking him away or using the threat of taking our child against me.
That’s really my biggest fear with her, that she’ll try to keep me from what she knows is the only thing that matters to me my child.
I don’t fear her as much, she lies to people about me, but a lot of people see through her.
Anyway, thanks for the peptalk.

@Danebiggs She cannot do that with a custody agreement. If you do not get legal counsel she could, potentially, kidnap your son and move out of state or somewhere and not disclose where they are living. With a divorce and child custody arrangement each party is required to disclose any change of address and employer info. and are not allowed to move out of state without court and parental agreement.
Also, if she does end up paying you some child support make sure your atty. has it written in the custody agreement that it is an automatic deduction, direct deposit or, she is required to pay via the county child support services that handle child support payments. Trust me, this woman sounds highly narcissistic and the narcissists game is to retain power and control at all costs.

They will do anything to evade being held accountable if they think there is even a slim chance of getting away with it. I know, I divorced one myself once upon a time. She thinks you are too weak willed to take a stand, and that is what she is counting on. Keeping you in control however she can, whether that is using your son as a pawn, emotionally blackmailing you, playing mind games, her bag of tricks is a bottomless bag and you need the family law court on your side otherwise the shit she will pull will be never ending. It is the most powerful tool in your bag.

Thanks it feels good to know that some people believe me.
She does control me and if sbe can’t she tries to control what other people think about me.
It even got back to me that she was telling people at work that I’m a deadbeat dad and have never had anything to do with oir son and she does everything.
Well, I’ve been there since the day he was born, the nurse taught me to change diapers, I learned to mix formula and spent many nights awake making sure he didn’t roll on his face in the crib.
I worked 2 jobs while my ex was home for 2 years and I paid everything including her new car payments and split whatever was left.
I always took care of her and our son so it hurt to find out that she didn’t appreciate anything.
I guess I have one saving grace in that deep down I know she won’t ever take our son away because she doesn’t want the 24 hour a day responsibility of being a parent.
She barely wants the few days she sees him now.
Anyway, I should stop complaining.
One thing about being separated is that I can choose to be happy now and believe it or not she controlled my mood when we lived together.
It’s sick, but true.
She’s so beautiful and I was so blind, but I got a great child out of that relationship so I kinda think it was meant to be for that period of my life and maybe she’s a little bit if karma for me being such a shit when I was a kid, LoL.
I just want to be a nice person and have nice people in my life.
Thanks. : )

Hey Dane, remember, the best revenge is living well. Be happy, have fun, and never look back. :-)

i agree with elbanditoroso personally.