Loving partner. I could do without sex entirely and not miss it.

A loving partner. Sex is the icing on the cake.

To paraphrase Woody Allen, sex without love is an empty experience, but among empty experiences, it’s one of the best!

A loving partner. I feel if you have that, you can work on the great sex together.

A loving partner. Even if the sex wasn’t as good as it could be, you’d probably think it was the best sex ever, because it was with that person. Also, if you or your partner were unable to have sex, due to illness or frailty in old age, a loving partner will be the thing that saves you.

I have a loving partner, we don’t have sex much. I’m fine with it.

I’m a dude. Any sex is good enough.

Ditto what @Seek said.

Ditto what @Mariah said :)

I prefer both. But I’ve stayed with girls before because of sex. Good sex can make up for lots of shortcomings.

I always think that it’s amazing that this is an easy question for so many people. Both are important. If I have to choose between the two, a loving partner would be the way to go, but I truly need both in order to be content.

Loving partner.

A loving partner will get you through times of no/mediocre sex better (and longer!) than exceptional sex will get you through times of unloving/mediocre partners.

Ditto what @anniereborn and @Mariah said that @Seek said. Which she did. I could live without sex too.

Please don’t kill me for asking, but why is sex so unvalued here?

I understand that the situation is very different for most males (and probably many females too), but I simply don’t desire sex that much.

Just imagine not having that drive that makes you want sex. Then you can see why not having it wouldn’t really be a big issue. Just as not having anything else you don’t badly want is not an really issue.

I like sex just fine, it’s just not something I feel I need. I’m game when my boyfriend wants it, but if I were in a situation where I wasn’t getting any, that wouldn’t really put a damper on my life at all.

That’s just me, I’m not saying anyone else is like this or should be like this or anything like that.

^I have known a couple girls that just had shitty partners. So they didn’t enjoy sex, because their partners weren’t considerate, or capable/knowledgeable.

I think many females should be more assertive, and guiding about receiving pleasure, and then they would have just as good a time.

Great sex is the closest thing my atheist mind considers a miracle. If you can have it, enjoy…

It’s not about “having a good time”.

I really really enjoy creme brulee when I have it… I just don’t need it with every meal.

^Creme brulee is synonymous with sex? I’m just trying to grasp the concept. I think, for a man, he might say each partner is a different desert. Each position, a different version. It’s enjoyable each time. If it weren’t, I’d understand more.

This is not “men” versus “women”.

This is “your assumptions” vs. “me.”

There are a great many women who truly want and need sex so so much all the time.

I’m just not one of them. It doesn’t even cross my mind most of the time.

I’m genuinely trying to understand. I’m ,apparently, not good at talking about it. I don’t mean any offense. I just thought that most people felt the same.

It may come as a shock, but not everyone thinks the same way as you.

One time, I had really awesome sex. Then I had a horrible pregnancy and almost died.
One other time I had really awesome sex. Then I had a very painful and emotionally traumatic miscarriage.

Now, I’ve had lots of good times that did not end in months and months of physical and emotional pain, but twice is pretty goddamn convincing.

I think if more men experienced the other side of the consequences of sex once in a while, they might be slightly less obsessed with it all the time.

Thanks @Seek . I won’t learn if I don’t ask…

It’s just not that big of a deal to many of us, @MrGrimm888, for whatever reason. Maybe because sex is SO easy to come by. Maybe because we’re hounded to give it up. Really common things lose luster. There is nothing mysterious about it. Many men seem to relate to it as though it’s some sort of religious experience. For women, it’s often enjoyable, sometimes intensely enjoyable, but I think we still see it as more of a simple function than men do.
Maybe it’s because we’re so up close and personal with our vaginas, what with periods, yeast infections, babies, miscarriages, as @seek mentioned, all kids of stuff.

^Thanks. I’m trying to wrap my head around it.

It definitely seems like females are in the interview phase. Often, they have more applicants than positions. I get that it would get old being hit on. I’m sure most of us (men, not all @Cruiser ) seem pathetic…

There’s also the fact that we’re consistently:

Judged whether or not we’re worthy of being wanted (attractive enough?)
Judged whether or not we’re too interested in it (slut)
Judged whether or not we’re trying too hard to get it (thirsty/desperate)
Judged whether or not we’re trying hard enough to get it (prude)
Judged whether or not we deserved someone taking it from us without our consent (look at how she acted/what she was wearing/she was so drunk!)

You guys do a great job of convincing women that getting anywhere close to being perceived as sexual is a bad idea.

I don’t think it’s an issue of my partner being bad. My boyfriend is attentive and can make me orgasm and I love him very much. I enjoy orgasming, but it’s an event that only lasts a few seconds. The lead-up lasts longer and is fun, but not as fun as most of my hobbies. Not because my boyfriend sucks at sex, but I just can’t imagine physical sensation ever being more enjoyable for me than the hobbies I enjoy and love doing. I’d generally rather be doing my hobbies. I don’t know how else to explain this without sounding like a robot, lol.

I actually think the food analogy is pretty good. Eating is physically pleasurable, but only when you’re hungry. And when you’re not hungry, there’s a lot of more interesting things you’d probably rather be doing than eating.

^ I’m right there with you. I’m way more proud of the things I’ve made than the time I spent naked.

^You made your offspring naked, I assume?

Apologies. That sounded worse than I intended.

Yep, and if I could describe the sheer amount of pain I was in for that to happen you’d never let your dick near a fertile woman again.

^Nature is so odd. I’ve asked here before why human child birth is so painful… Doesn’t make sense to me.

Well, it’s especially painful for human women because the head is so big. That big head can cause so many complications, including death. I guess nature figures that if a female has 2 offspring that survive, she is expendable. Our brain is THAT important to nature.

I think there are many reasons that women might desire sex less than men, and also many reasons that it is socially considered to be a “female issue” rather than a male issue. But, as a woman who is generally the high libido partner in my relationships, I will say it’s not easy to be on that end, either. Especially with the social assumptions around both, it can be really hard not to think something is wrong with you if, as a woman, your partners are less interested in sex than you are.
But, having said that, I also know that as a woman with a high sex drive, some things have caused it to crash and burn in the past, and it’s kind of amazing how it can turn off like a switch and be off. Medications, sometimes depression, hormonal shifts, stress, pain… when it’s not there, it’s really not there.

Libido mismatches in relationships suck. I still feel damaged/used by my ex because he goaded me into sex so many times when I didn’t want it. I imagine the other side sucks too but I have no experience with it. I’m glad my boyfriend and I are reasonably well matched now.

@Mariah yes, that’s really what I was meaning to say, you just put it much better than I did.

I think it’s insane that they tout drugs to cure men’s impotence but totally ignore the females who may have the same types of problems, or other problems.

@MrGrimm888, everyone – male or female – is different. Like @ANef_is_Enuf my libido has outstripped that of most men I’ve been with. I’m lucky that my husband and I are evenly matched. I also agree health issues and certain drugs can switch your libido off like a light switch. I was prescribed a particular drug that totally ruined our sex life. I wore that for about two weeks and told the doctor what he could do with his drugs. Sex is an important part of our relationship.

“but not as fun as most of my hobbies”
Haha I agree, I guess that’s me getting old and I have been married a long time.

Oh, something else I forgot to mention: no idea if this is common among other women, but sex is low-key painful for me, every time. I think some men realize it’s painful for women the first time but don’t understand that that doesn’t necessarily just magically go away when her hymen breaks. So, imagine you have hobbies x and y, and you enjoy both, but every time you do hobby x, some guy comes over and hits you with a stick a little bit. Might make you start preferring hobby y.

Sex is something that gets better with practice. If you have a loving partner, odds are they’ll be open to learning how to please you between the sheets.

Let me think about that one.

@Mariah , I think most of my partners experience “low-key pain,” but most of them say that they enjoy it. Some want more pain,or restraint. I’m totally confused about women…

I know I lost one girlfriend, because I wasn’t a rough enough lover. But I didn’t like being rough with her, because I loved her. So, she left me. I had a sort of exit interview with her, she wanted me to be more aggressive, and violent even, sexually. I failed at all my attempts to be “that guy.”

A woman shouldn’t experience pain unless there is a medical reason. @Mariah has medical reasons. Pretty sure she doesn’t “like” the pain. I wouldn’t.
And if a woman leaves you because you aren’t good enough in bed, @MrGrimm888, then I say good riddance! Geez. Talk about shallow.

Some women are into BDSM stuff involving pain. Some men are too. For those of us who aren’t, being in pain during an activity generally makes that activity less fun.

To be clear, I feel like pain play like slapping her ass is a way different beast from pain in the vagina from stretching. The sting of a slap might be shocking in a kind of fun way, and you’re not going to worry about being legitimately injured by it. I am anxious about my health, so when I experience pain during sex, I experience racing, paranoid thoughts about vaginal tearing and that hampers my enjoyment of the act.

I don’t think my painful sex has anything to do with my medical problems. I’m not convinced that this is very rare. Lube exists for a reason. For me, it’s just not enough to take away the pain 100%.

I know some men and women are into BDSM, but if they’re going to leave a person because they aren’t into the themselves, well, I don’t think there was much in that relationship to begin with. I mean, you can go find rough BDSM out on the streets, if that’s your number one priority.
I’ve only experienced pain when I was extremely dry for whatever reason. It was very uncomfortable, and I spent the whole time trying to work around it instead of concentrating on the rest, finally just hoping they’d be finished soon. It bothered me the few times that it has happened and my partner didn’t even notice or didn’t care, I guess. Or maybe they liked the increased friction. IDK.

Sorry for being unclear about who each bit of my response was directed at. The first paragraph was mainly for Grimm’s benefit, not aimed at you. I generally agree that it sucks that he was left over sex, but I guess for people who find sex really important, it could be a big enough reason to give up on a relationship. Libido mismatch ruined my previous relationship.

I’m so sorry. Sex is so easy to come by, any kind you want, if you don’t care what kind of person you get it from. Love, compassion, concern, someone to have your back, someone you can count on…you can’t get that off the streets.

It’s no fun as the guy, when you think you’re hurting the girl either. I had trouble staying, uhhh, you know, when I thought I was hurting her. Why would I hurt someone who I care about?

Anyway, that particular girl was nuts. She was not a good person, and certainly wasn’t good to me. She stabbed me with a beer bottle once. I was trying to keep her from hurting someone else. I thought all girls were that crazy, for a while. Now , I think it’s just most…

LOL! LET’S GET HIM GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, there aren’t any crazy women here. Yall are ok. Other girls. I was talking about other girls…~ ;)

She stabbed you with a beer bottle, and she left you?!

^Yes. Like I said, I was trying to stop her from hurting someone else. I don’t think it was malicious. But she broke the bottle, and brandished it. That’s when I tried to get it from her. She got me in the hand pretty good. I got the bottle. And yes (deep sigh) she left me…

I’m happy we aren’t together now, in retrospect… Addition by subtraction….

I just want to point out that, while there is often a medical root for dyspareunia (painful sex), not everyone will be diagnosed with a cause. Also, it is fairly common (3 out of 4 women will experience pain during intercourse at some point in their lives. For some, it will be chronic.) Most people (male and female) have no idea that pain during sex is so common among women, that it can sometimes be avoided and sometimes can not be avoided, and that it is not necessarily normal. Just a friendly little pelvic health PSA from me.

Loving partner

Sex is ALWAYS great with a loving partner.
All the rest is just rubbish.