I’m starting to feel the uncertainty. I know what I want to do and what I’m good at, but I just can’t find anything that suits my expertise. The problem is not only circumstantial, but also deeply rooted in the past. I have always wanted to be an artist, doing something with drawing and story telling, but my dream has never been taken seriously, not even by me until recently. I received a lot of criticism for my dream, and at one point I thought the dream was really that ridiculous and I should give up altogether. Only during my college year did I finally concluded that making art is the only thing I can be proud of myself for. Normally I wouldn’t be too bothered by it, but I’m going to join the worker population in a short time, and the thought of what to do with my life has become the main concern.
The graduation ceremony is coming next week. I don’t know if I should laugh or cry. I no longer have to burden myself with school work and responsibility. On the other hand, I am going to leave the carefree days of silly delight with friends, the time when I didn’t have to worry too much about the future. I will have to say goodbye to them, some of which aren’t expected to return any time soon. I don’t know how I will take this. And it will be the beginning of a new chapter of my life, where whether the entire book will end in flowers or shit depends on.
I know what I want to do and I’m willing to fight for it. But it feels so difficult when it feels like the entire world is against me. To make the matter worse, most of the pressure comes from my parents. They will never tolerate me being an artist. I have had many drawings discovered and destroyed by them. I’m currently struggling to find time to practice drawing, because drawing at home is the worst choice I could ever made. I just wish they were more open-minded and supportive.
I’m taking a first step in applying for a master degree, but I know I’m just putting aside my worry for a while. It will come back sooner or later, and it will become a regret haunting the rest of my life if I don’t act fast.