For the seven years that I’ve lived in NYC, street harassment has been a near constant presence in my life. Not that it never happened in the small town I grew up in, but it was rare and always surprising.

In fact, it still surprises me when I can visit even another large city like DC, New Orleans, Seattle, etc. and walk down the street unbothered by anyone—the worst I’ve experienced is in New York.

Some days it’s not so bad and just verbal stuff, which I shake off. However, over the years, I’ve had some scary run-ins that have made me carry pepper spray. Men have followed me, threatened me, and even swung baseball bats at me. Most of these men are definitely low-income but that doesn’t mean that it just happens in “bad” neighborhoods—it’s getting worse all over the city.

Just a couple of weeks ago, an addict ran up behind me in broad daylight, groped me as hard as he could, and ran away. Luckily, we were able to get him arrested (forcible touching/sexual abuse) and we’re going through the legal process right now.

I’ve been under an incredible amount of stress. My hair is falling out; I can’t focus at work, I burst into tears. I’ve been dealing with this for years now, and it just won’t stop. I’m not an “easy target, ” but I am tall and conventionally attractive which I think catches the eye of predators.

Just last night, a catcaller I shook off outside my apartment leaned into my building entrance and was threatening me. I had my pepper spray discreetly at my side and considered blasting him in the face but decided not to since I already have an open court proceeding for a sexual offense. Luckily my boyfriend was able to buzz me upstairs and saw/heard the exchange over the camera/intercom (I didn’t want to use my keys and risk a push-in/having that guy know where I live.)

Moving right now is not an option. We just renewed our lease for another two years (before these things got worse) and we’re both not sure what the next year holds for us financially. However, I can’t live like this. I’m afraid to leave the house. Most of these guys are just powerless assholes trying to feel macho, but I’m terrified that someday one will hurt me for real.