Fluther: Why are some people unable to make eye contact when they ...

Why are some people unable to make eye contact when they are speaking directly to you.

Asked by Kardamom (33292

) February 9th, 2018
21 responses
“Great Question” (2

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I’ve noticed this mostly with males. A few minutes ago, in fact. My best friend’s boyfriend was having an animated conversation with me, but he can’t look me in the eye, he looks off into the distance when he is speaking.

I have an uncle who does that too, and one of my male co-workers. And I’ve noticed it with (usually older men) strangers I have just met, say at the grocery store, or wherever. Not most men, it’s just that the ones who do it, are often older.

All 3 of these people, I consider to be very trustworthy, knowlegeable people, so I wouldn’t chalk it up to being shifty, or dishonest, or being nervous.

I’ve never really noticed women doing this (although maybe they do, and I just haven’t noticed it).

The conversations with these folks, other than that they are looking off into the distance, seem perfectly normal, otherwise. Like any other conversation I might have with anyone else. It doesn’t seem like they are nervous, it’s more like a quirk, or a habit.

Do you know people who don’t look you in the eye when they are speaking? Are you one of those people?

I’m just wondering if some people were taught to do this for some reason, or whether there is some other reason.

Like I said, 3 of these people I have known well for years, and they are normal, engaging conversationalists. So it doesn’t seem to be about being nervous.

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Topics: conversation, eye contact, talking to people, being direct

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Answers

I have a neighbor who not only looks directly into everyone’s eyes but she goes beyond that to glaring at people and standing very close .
She is threatening and annoying to everyone she meets.
I avoid her as much as possible as she is playing games and not honest herself.
Normal eye glances are acceptable but not glaring and taking her stance…its off putting.

Inspired_2write (14486

)“Great Answer” (2

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Self esteem issues.

kritiper (25757

)“Great Answer” (1

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@Inspired2Write That would freak me out.

Kardamom (33292

)“Great Answer” (0

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Up until about 10 years ago I was wary of making eye contact, especially with men. Too many saw that as a come-on, or a sign of interest in them that I didn’t have, and they’d approach me, and I’d have to fight them off. Not necessarily literally, but I would have to extract myself from an uncomfortable situation, which left them pissed off and me feeling like I was rude. Not making eye contact just became part of who I was. Maybe I still do it. I don’t know.
My vet doesn’t make eye contact.
Not making eye contact is part of being autistic too.
Maybe some feel that eye contact is a threat. I know if I made eye contact with a wolf or a lion I’d be all, “Oh shit!”

Dutchess_III (46812

)“Great Answer” (3

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Eye contact etiquette and what it means varies culturally. Are any of these people immigrants?

thisismyusername (2940

)“Great Answer” (2

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(I have a cat on my hand limiting me to left-handed typing… oh wait, that’s better…)

It’s different for different people and situations, as @Dutchess_III gave an example.

Looking into another person’s eyes sets up a feedback loop where both people are aware of each other’s gaze and possibly presence and way of being as it evolves moment to moment.

There are many ways of looking at and expressing how this can be… uncomfortable for some people.

I’ve done eye-gazing exercises with adult men and have them dissolve into tears almost as if they were being made to watch their parents be eaten alive.

One expression that might ring true for some is that people tend to live in ego shells to hide their attention from their own issues, and being present with others cuts through that (for instance by mirroring them and/or offering them attention) and their buried pain surges up even without them understanding what’s happening.

Another way of putting something similar can be that some people dissociate from themselves and others so much and live with almost all of their attention in their thinking, and a direct human connection short-circuits that, and they’re very uncomfortable about that.

Many men in various modern cultures (certainly most of the USA) learn to think that emotional exposure is weak and vulnerable and un-manly and a flaw or problem, shut off their empathy and/or create hard personas, and have little or no access to unguarded human connections. Avoiding empathic eye contact is part of that. So can be a habit of making eye contact, but in a framework of dominance (semi-psychotic dating advice can involve habitually refusing to break eye contact last with everyone).

Zaku (30354

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@Dutchess _III that makes a lot of sense, for women to do that, for the exact reason you say.

@thisismyusername, in the particular instances I have noticed this, they were all white American males.

Kardamom (33292

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@zaku, that makes a lot of sense.

Kardamom (33292

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This eye contact thing is of Western culture. It’s not a custom in Asian culture to look in to someone’s eyes while speaking with them. Looking on their face alone is enough.

Unofficial_Member (5107

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I never had issues with that, I never thought there was anything wrong with eye contact. Women I know don’t have issues with it either. I’ve been told by a couple of women that one thing they like about me is that I do look them in the eye when talking to them. As opposed to so and so or such and such, who always seem like they are staring at their breasts their legs when they talk. So I don’t know, go figure.

NomoreY_A (5546

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It is extremely annoying when men talk to your breasts. Also a bit threatening. Like they’re sizing you up for the jump.

Dutchess_III (46812

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I’m sure it is. Which makes it hard for guys like me that just like having female friends. Thanks to all the ass clown perves out there.

NomoreY_A (5546

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When I was in my early 20’s I was at the grocery store. There was this 16 something year old kid walking toward me, staring at my breasts, mouth hanging open…and he walked into an end cap! It’s like, seriously dude?

Dutchess_III (46812

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Lol. That’s what they call Instant Karma. Comes back to bite you on the butt every time.

NomoreY_A (5546

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@Dutchess_III How do you feel about ass guys who stare at and talk to your butt?? SURELY there are one or two…

kritiper (25757

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Well, they can’t very well attempt to have a conversation with me when they’re behind me.

One time I was shooting pool. I was ready to take the shot when some asshole came up behind me and pretended to hump. I could see him out of the corner of my eye. All the guys thought that was soooo funny. I acted like I didn’t know he was there and brought the sick back with a jerky, hard and fast, as though that was the preamble to my shot. I caught him on his hip bone, then made my shot (which failed, duh) to keep the pretense up.
THEN was was all, “Oh, I am so sorry! I didn’t know you were there! I’m sorry!”

Dutchess_III (46812

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That’s when he needed to have the cue stick broken over his head.

NomoreY_A (5546

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I couldn’t get directly aggressive. That would be dangerous for me.

Dutchess_III (46812

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Not you, some guy should have done it, I’ve seen it happen in Tx.