I’d be a younger version of Olympia Dukakis, who played Clairee Belcher in Steele Magnolias. Then I could say bold and funny things like:
Clairee: I’ve just been to the dedication of the new children’s park.
Truvy: Yeah, how did that go?
Clairee: Janice Van Meter got hit with a baseball. It was fabulous.
Truvy: Was she hurt?
Clairee: I doubt it. She got hit in the head.
And:
Clairee Belcher: They were both high. They’d been smokin’ everything but their shoes.
And the ever famous:
Clairee: Here!
[grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M’Lynn]
Clairee: Hit this! Go ahead M’Lynn, slap her!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [taken aback and confused] Are you crazy?
Clairee: Hit her!
Ouiser Boudreaux: Are you high, Clairee?
Truvy: [in a frightened tone] Clairee, have you lost your mind?
Clairee: We’ll sell t-shirts sayin’ “I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX!” Hit her!
Annelle: [in a scared tone] Ms. Clairee, enough!
Clairee: Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock her lights out, M’Lynn!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [snatches away] Let go o’ me!
Clairee: M’Lynn, you just missed the chance of a lifetime! Half o’ Chiquapin Parish’d give their eye teeth to take a whack at Ouiser!
That’s the kind of old lady I want to be. Spunky funny, and not afraid to say what’s on her mind.