It’s more common than you think and myself personally would not bat an eye. It would be flattering to most guys that you waited this long and chose them to be with. If it’s a problem for the guy you are with then it’s the wrong guy you are with.

@ARE_you_kidding_me Said it much better than I could. I completely agree. Just be honest and open. Anyone who isn’t empathetic isn’t worth your time. Congrats on the progress with your anxiety and best wishes finding a good man who you can have a fulfilling relationship with.

I don’t think I’d be in a revealing mood about it. After all, loose lips sink ships. However, honesty is always the best policy, whether they believe it or not.

What does it matter?

If I were the guy, I would want to know, if for no other reason than I might be gentler or more supportive than if I didn’t know.

A guy comes in with certain assumptions / expectations, and may well feel embarrassed when those assumptions are wrong. He wouldn’t want to feel like he’s taking advantage of you, for example.

But you know him better than any of us. What is his personality like? Is he understanding and empathetic in other ways?

The guy I am thinking of is empathetic and understanding. To @elbanditoroso‘s point, I am concerned that he will have certain expectations I won’t be able to fulfill, particularly related to how quickly sex would happen. These expectations makes sense for most people. Not so much for me.

I guess I am also worried that when/if I tell him this, he will be concerned that sex with me would mean I might get “clingy” or be more invested in the relationship than he is, and then he’d end things. That would tell me a lot about him and I’d just have to accept it, and still, it makes me nervous to broach the topic and risk being rejected.

We’re not dating, just in the very early stages of something that might go in that direction. I’d really like to take things slow. I’m just afraid this is all going to be confusing for someone who met these developmental milestones at a more typical age. Hopefully that clears some things up.

@aubreysanders8 “I guess I am also worried that when/if I tell him this, he will be concerned that sex with me would mean I might get “clingy” or be more invested in the relationship than he is, and then he’d end things.”

Wouldn’t you rather him end things early if it wasn’t going to work out than have it drag on? Rejection is a good thing because it allows us to invest our emotional energy in potential partners that reciprocate our feelings. It always sucks at the time, but it really helps to look at it from the other perspective that they did you a favor.

Just to be a bit more explicit, if I were to initiate intimacy with a woman in her mid 30’s (who happened to be a virgin and I was unaware of that fact), I’m pretty sure I would come away from that encounter thinking she has some strange aversion to sex (because it’s almost certainly going to be awkward and possibly even painful). If I know she’s a virgin going into the situation, I would totally understand her desire to take things very slowly and be flattered that she chose me to be her first sexual partner. It totally shifts the mindset. I hope that’s helpful.

If I liked her it wouldn’t matter one way or the other. Don’t feel too anxious about it.

It really wouldn’t matter other than I would like to know up front. It would change how the sex act went…much more carefully for her first time. I wouldn’t be expecting her to know anything.

How adventurous is she? Could she do it with the light on??

Some men would be intimidated by knowing they are first.

Being a virgin, you don’t know how you will act/react at that moment of truth. Lots of women have thought they were going to have their first experience, and at a certain point said, “wait, I’m not ready.”
Knowing your partner is a virgin can leave a partner feeling nervous too. More so at your age, because teenage boys are more concerned with having a moment than sharing a moment. An adult man is more likely to care about how his partner will respond, and remember.

I believe this is something you should discuss with a potential partner, so that both of you can explore whatever anxieties either of you might face. After all, it could be a first for him also, as first time with a virgin. Some men would love to be with a thirty year old virgin, but some would feel anxious about being on the spot.

I don’t know how long you have been involved with the man you have in mind, but I do get the impression you haven’t been dating anyone yet.
I would strongly advise you to date a variety of men before you make any choices. If you are simply wanting to get that first time done and over with, I suggest you find a fellow for hire. That way you can be sure of no attachment, and your partner for hire could give you some instruction. You could be fairly sure he would not feel intimidated.

Thank you all for the advice. Conventional and practical wisdom tells me that it might take a while to find the right kind of man who will not be intimidated by that, and I know being upfront about it is helpful regardless of how vulnerable it might make me feel to open myself up to that rejection and pain. It’s just remaining in the moment with that discomfort is hard for someone who is accustomed to avoiding anxious feelings, and at the same time I understand that it is necessary. But all of the responses about being okay with it were truly surprising to me, So thank you again for helping me to fact check! Be well everyone.

“Conventional and practical wisdom tells me that it might take a while to find the right kind of man who will not be intimidated by that”

Nope. It would be a very rare thing for a man to be intimidated by that. Despite what pop culture says about men what they really want is a deep, connected relationship where both submit and commit to each other fully. Knowing someone is opening up to them for the first time would be irresistible. It’s a minority out looking for multiple partners. Normal guys really just want one.