I find myself more paranoid than usual, scared that I’ll experience the hallucinogenic properties of THC due to the residual thc in my fat cells from the 50mgs of thc I took almost two months ago. Getting high was actually an accident as I wanted CBD instead of THC but the lady at the dispensary gave me THC gummys and I didn’t read the bag so I took five. It made me feel like I was going crazy. Seeing colors at the edge of my vision or grainy vision would cause me to be fearful that I was going to start “tripping” as the hippies called it, unable to control or see my real environment. When I trip my heart rate increases till my heart feels like its about to race out of my chest, I sweat until I seem like I’ve ran a marathon yet I feel physically cold to myself (a hallucination) but to the touch I am hot. I also see a tunnel but its colored, rainbow and circular- constantly moving with shapes as well, almost hexagonal or diagonal shapes similar to a kaleidoscope. The experience sounds ok on paper, but in reality its terrifying, as the level of anxiety is high and the shaking and feeling vomiting or nausea that comes with it. The flashbacks of the experience have caused me more harm than good and I live in real fear that at any moment I could be transported back to the anxiety I felt and the visions I saw. It hasn’t happened since the end of June but I am scared it will happen again. I’ve thought about seeing a therapist about it but I’m afraid they’ll think I’m a drug addict even though I have my medical marijuana card and I’ve done it a few times and found I hated it.

Since the experience, I’ve been zoning out more often and having issues concentrating more than usual, I’ll have flashbacks of the experience randomly or particularly when I’m in a situation that makes me anxious. Sometimes when I close my eyes I can still see imprints of colors from lights or thousands of grainy dots darting around. Or I’ll feel sort of “out of it” like I’m depersonalizing or having derealization.

Another thing that has been happening is zoning out when others are talking to me. For example when I talk to my mother or father I find that I will randomly tune them out when what they are talking about causes me to be bored or even anxious, and I’ll think of me randomly dying in a car crash with my family vividly and I’ll be disturbed but know its not real. This has been going on since childhood after I was in many life threatening experiences, but it got better for a while and went away but came back after I did mmj a few times. I decided that ceasing all pot usage would be best and that any kind of drugs may not be the answer. When I was younger the main thing that made me feel the best was nature, escaping the feeling of society’s pressures and just being in the present. I crave that, being alone and not having anything to do or worry about- in fact during the summer I haven’t been able to “not worry” or get a “break” because I’m constantly thinking about when school will start, what I’ll have to do, when is the next time I will get paid, what days I’ll work and so on. I know people will suggest a therapist but I’ve never had any luck with shrinks, they’ve always made me feel like a dead cat under a microscope- analyzing me so they can find something wrong to make me feel guilty about how my life situations have affected my mental health. I’ve been told with what I’ve been through, it seems like I have PTSD but the shrinks and doctors are reluctant to diagnose it in someone who is 19 or younger because they want to “exhaust” all their other diagnosis’. I hope someone has some advice as to how I can get back to feeling normal that doesn’t involve shoving big pharma pills down my throat and telling a shrink about my emotions. I also apologize if I seem stressed but I’m in a tough position right now life wise and going through an immense amount of stress, my father might die from kidney disease caused by diabetes and my mother and brother are worried, bills are piling up and I haven’t been paid for a while- I just feel like I’m at my wits end mentally and need a break. Any heartfelt advice is welcome, just understand that I am super frustrated with life at the current time.

Topics: medicine, medical advice, mental health, help, therapy, medical, marijuana, mental illness, pot, insanity