I can’t stop thinking, about EVERYTHING. If I drink something, I will go over and over in my mind and try to remember how it tasted. And when I try to forget and watch a movie, I CAN’T. I will have to pause it and go over it again and again and again. When I watch a movie, sometimes I will become obsessed with a character and can go up to 3 months thinking about scenes over and over, and I will excessively watch them. Even if I do’nt care about the character that much. If I knock something over, I cannot stop thinking about it and will HAVE to pick it up. I will give you a little preview of how my mind works… :

Just got done drinking something
Mango. It tasted like mango.
The taste will repeat over and over
in my mind, and I have to have it,
I have to drink it again so I can stop thinking
about it. And when I am done drinking it, I will
replay it until I can get it again.
And since I am broke, I cannot satisfy my addiction ALL the time. BUT, I will obsess over it and I can’t enjoy things I like doing if I cannot stop thinking. My thoughts rule my life and make it extremely difficult for me to concentrate. I want it to stop, I don’t want to think this much anymore. Nobody understands, they try to, they say that they too, think a lot. But they don’t understand, they couldn’t. Unfortunately, since I think so much, things I feel guilt over will haunt me for the rest of my life. And they won’t ever go away. I’d say out of every excessive thought I have, my guilt of things I have done fit in the top category. And it is one of the worst things about me and I wish I could ease it. Every moment of my life is spent going over things I do. Sometimes I will look up and see something thats not in place and when I do, I will HAVE to organize it. I’m generally a messy person and don’t clean messes all the time or have everything in perfect order, but when I tell myself that I need to fix something I will have to fix it. If a picture frame is not right or is on sideways and I notice it, I won’t always care. It’s only when I stop to think about it that I have to do something about it. Sometimes I feel like having blurry vision is better for me, because when I put my glasses on, EVERYTHING is wrong and it stresses me out. So I don’t fix it. I don’t pick the empty vegetable cans up off the counter that someone left. I won’t sweep the floor or fix the rust and burnt stuff off the stove, because I won’t change anything. I can’t fix everything and so I choose not to fix anything. Because once I notice something and fix it, I feel very compelled to do the same with everything else and I won’t stop cleaning until I feel nauseous and like I’m gonna pass out. And by the end of it all, when I am done cleaning for 6 hours straight, I feel restless and without purpose. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I want to stop it. Any possible answers for me would be nice. Thank you for reading this far.