Can I get a fresh opinion on my poetry?
So a little over a year ago, I posted some poems here and the response was…not great. You can see it here yourself:
https://www.fluther.com/215510/which-of-these-poems-is-the-best-in-your-opinion-and/
It was, however, undeniably helpful, and has shaped the way I write. So I thought it would be cool to come back with some of my latest poems to get fresh opinions and see if I’ve improved. It would also mean so much to me if @flutherother @Patty_Melt and @gorillapaws gave me their opinions because they were the ones to originally comment. If anyone knows them can you please tell them I’m asking for their opinion again if they would be kind enough to give it?
The first poem is called You Broke Me:
They ask me why I’m silenced
I tell them I’m not; I’m civil
They ask me why I’m sad
I say I’m not; I’m conforming
There was a time when I ran free
When my voice was carried by the ocean breeze
When I ground wildflowers between my teeth
And built my house among the trees
I’d throw my head back and drink from the skies
I looked at the world through clear eyes
And coloured myself all the hues of the sunrise
And I’d run barefoot and dance in the rain
And when it thundered I’d scream my name
So the lightning would know it ran in my veins
And then they caught me-
They ask why I’m silenced
And I think “You taught me,”
They ask why I’m sad
And I think “You broke me”.
And the second is called The Cosmos:
I’m not usually like this
Raw, screaming, torn open.
When I bleed it’s usually onto paper
Through a pen
But today I cut my veins
And let them pour into the ocean.
I let the metallic tang of iron and salt
Remind me I’m human
And as such, I am gritty and sharp
I stand tall.
Flecks of foam on my skin, on my lips
Sand in my hair, I take small sips
Of the starlight infused night air
And I wonder why I sit here,
By the ocean.
Wonder what I did to deserve this
When I’m so broken and small
And lonely and lost.
I’m one tiny voice hidden behind a million larger ones.
Yet I feel an acute emptiness
Like I’m so large I could just open my chest
And fill it with mountains and trees
And auroras and seas
But still be empty
Because everything is not enough for me.
I sit in rust coloured waves
Masked by darkness, drinking starlight
And staring at the moon’s pale, benign face
And I wish I could let the Cosmos penetrate my existence
But perhaps
It already does.
And in the vein of my previous post; which one is your favourite?
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