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HanaMorgen's avatar

In this situation is it better to ask for forgiveness than permission? (about haircut)

Asked by HanaMorgen (88points) May 30th, 2021
19 responses
“Great Question” (6points)

First of all: sorry for my english, I am not a native speaker.

(I added a “little” background info)
I want to cut my hair but I’m afraid of my parents reaction.
They are not strict (at least not in these kind of things).
The problem is: I have always fought against haircuts (since I can remember) and I don’t know how will they react that I suddenly want to cut it. (I am remebered in the distant family as “the long haired short girl”).
My hair is butt long and have never in my life been shorter (apart from when I was a baby) and I am currently 16 soon 17 (yes, I got tired of it after 16 years)

My parent, grandparents and cousins always teased me about cutting and selling my hair and I would always end up crying (they only teased me but didn’t meant it).

I don’t want to sell it after it’s cut (would be about 40–60 cm chopped off). I would like to keep a strand to put away for years later to remember (no, I don’t find it gross, in my country we are used to this level of sentimentalism). Also, if I do anything with the rest it would be donation (I don’t feel comfortable selling it but I’m fine with giving it to someone).

So, the main point is: I am scared that they will be disappointed if I don’t sell it (and generally their reaction for the whole thing)
It is NOT about wether I should do it or not (because I will either ways) but the best way to let them know about my “plan”.

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LostInParadise's avatar

Are you saying that your concern is that your parents would think that you should sell your hair? Why would you be afraid of selling it? Could you work out a compromise of selling it and donating some of the money you receive?

Dutchess_III's avatar

Heck. Sell it and donate the money to your parents.

rebbel's avatar

Cut it.
Donate it (to the a kid’s cancer wig foundation)
(Don’t sell it, and definitely don’t give the money to your parents (Dutch, Wtf?))

Although, until now, you were that girl who never wanted to cut their hair, from now on you’ll be the girl who did.
People change, as do their ideas.

Inspired_2write's avatar

instead of drastic cut, cut only to shoulder length to get used to the change.
Later if inclined then cut shorter if desired.
Once your hair is cut off , realize that it cannot be corrected and will take years to grow to tht length again.
Go to a hairdresser to determine how much to cut off and that hairdresser will give you suggestions as to what to do with your cut off hair.
Some Hair Salons make wigs out of the cut hair for Cancer patients etc
Check with them to determine you best course of action is where you will not regret taking too much off etc

janbb's avatar

In truth, you have had 16 years of knowing your parents and we don’t know them at all. Search your heart and you will figure out whether “permission or forgiveness” makes the most sense in this situation.

JLoon's avatar

Salons & cuts are a personal phobia for several reasons (one reason I’m pushing Rapunzel length), so I can’t really relate to your decision. But I think you’ve reached the age where the choice is your own to make, and one that friends and relatives should respect.

What may be on your mind are family and cultural issues that the rest of us have to guess at. I think wherever and however you may live, making decisions about the way you look is the first step to controlling your own body and living your own life. That’s important for everyone, but especially women.

Whatever you choose – Good luck.

JLeslie's avatar

I think you should ask their permission. If they say no this time, they might eventually say yes if they see you are persistent and serious. I don’t mean be pushy and annoying, but you can make an argument for why you want to do it and your parents might appreciate you are growing up and wanting to make some decisions, even change your mind about how you felt about your hair when you were younger. I don’t know your parents, but generally, I think it is good to learn how to negotiate and to be honest and show them respect, and they should respect you. Breaking trust with your parents almost never works out well. If they are reasonable people, you should be reasonable also.

In the United States we can donate hair that is longer than 25 centimeters to make wigs for cancer patients. My husband did it. Some charities specialize in wigs for children with cancer. If you have a similar organization in your country, maybe you can add that to your argument that you want to help people in need, and that your hair will always grow back.

If you can sell your hair why not? It will help pay for the hair cut.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

Your English is quite good. You’ve worked hard in school.

I think you can cut it without asking permission. You are at an age where it’s good to start being more independent.

I suggest you search for an organization that makes wigs for cancer patients and donate it to them. The salon might know of such an organization.

I’m sorry you are worried about your parent’s reaction. I hope they will like your shorter hair. We can’t know their reaction.

Good luck.

flutherother's avatar

If you plan to cut your hair anyway then why ask your parent’s permission? If they forbid you to cut It and you then defy them you have only made the situation worse. Asking for their forgiveness isn’t much better. To ask forgiveness means you accept you have done wrong, but you have already decided that cutting your hair isn’t wrong.

I don’t know you, or your parents or the culture of whatever country you live in but if you are determined to cut your hair then you should just do it.

HanaMorgen's avatar

Thank you for all the answers. I waited to get 1 or 2, never expected this many. Thank you!

So my issue with selling it is basically: Why give it to people who can afford it (and don’t need it most of the time) when there are people who DO need it.

I also appreciate all the kind words (I might need that luck) and I guess you are right about me growing up.

Yes, there is an organization, actually more than 1 in my country but I looked all of them up and the least hair for a wig was 35 cm (and it was said to be the bare minimum).
(it would go somewhat above my shoulder) (I also kinda want a drastic change)
I am aware it would take years to grow back but at this point I don’t really care (it is a pain to care for)

About the permission: I kind of assumed they would be fine with the cut (since they were always joking about selling it). I HAVEN’T asked them but It was not the thing I was scared of more like the selling vs. donating part (since I wrote the post I realised they would be 99% fine with me cutting it)

I forgot to add the haircut wouldn’t cost anything: 1: my grandfather is a hairdresser 2: donation haircuts are free nearly everywhere in my country.
Maybe my grandfather is not the best choice (he is really old, has shaky hands and has not the best eyesight) so I stuck with the hairdressers so now I only have to find someone I trust.
I thought about asking a friend to do it (I kinda have trust issues) because she is good at art (any kind) and she has cut her own hair before (and it looked pretty good!) (=she has some experience)

JLeslie's avatar

Sounds good, sounds like you are going to cut it.

Maybe don’t go too drastic and just take off 15–20 centimeters, you can’t sell it or donate it so it’s not an issue then. That will still probably feel much different to you and look different, especially if you shape it a little, but still not be too drastic. If you are in the northern hemisphere I highly recommend keeping it long enough to put up in a ponytail for summertime. Just above the shoulders can be really hot, because it’s always against your neck.

Also, if you let your friend cut it, which I think is fine, I really recommend don’t go very short, because if you are unhappy with the cut you can still get it corrected by a professional.

Don’t forget to update us and let us know how it goes.

Welcome to fluther!

HanaMorgen's avatar

Oh, sorry, now I can see I didn’t really expressed myself the right way:
When I wrote it has to be 35cm for a donation I didn’t meant that -35cm would make my hair go above my shoulder. I measured it and the part at my neck (=the shortest) is 60+cm (so -35 would be around halfway)
And as I said: I kinda want a drastic change.

I considered everything when I thought about whether I should do it or not, so I took the weather into consideration and I am aware that it would be hot in summer, BUT it still would be long enought to do hairstyles with it (such as dutsch braid and even a somewhat deformed ponytail! or a lower ponytail)

I did realised something that I haven’t before:
You can’t donate hair right now (because of the pandemic) and in my country it is not really “appropriate” to go to a hairsalon right now (not sure of other countries). So I have to wait until it’s over (at least this part of it)

I can do an update when it’s done if you really want to know about it.

JLeslie's avatar

We start to get to know each other here like friends, so we usually update. People like to know everything worked out ok.

Try some other questions or answers. We love having people here from outside of the United States, many here live in the US, but having people from around the world is very interesting and we learn a lot. What country do you live in?

I think if you just cut your hair a little (like 10 or 15 centimeters) it will be fine to cut it yourself or have a friend do it. It will be easier to manage, dry faster, and feel lighter. My husband has been cutting my hair the entire time during the pandemic.

HanaMorgen's avatar

Well… I never thought someone would care about a random person on the internet but I guess I was wrong.

My country does not have a really good impression in many foreigners eyes but I hope that it doeasn’t include you.

I am from Hungary, and more specifically from a small village (I added this because the cities are a lot different here than villages)
If you haven’t heard of it we are in the middle of Europe and also in the middle of the Carpathian Basin.
Some fun facts:
You probably know what the Rubik’s cube is (or magic cube). The inventor was a Hungarian professor: Ernő Rubik
We also have other inventors who made things like: safety matches, pen (ball pen) and so on
(I thought it might be interesting sorry if not, we hungarians love to share these kind of stuff with foreigners)

We can’t go basically anywhere without a vaccination card (for example: cinema, student work, the inside od cafes and restaurants (only with mask which in you can’t really eat or drink) I am not sure if what I said is correct but this is how I remember it

(the name I use here is not my real name but more like a pen name)

And I want to cut off a lot and now I really want short hair (I have been thinking for a while) and I can be really stubborn so its pretty much final that it won’t be only 10–15cm but at least 35cm (btw my parents are fine with me cutting it as long as a proffesional does it or at least fix it) so now I only have to wait for the pandemic to end (or at least for things to open up more)

JLeslie's avatar

I’m sure you know in the United States we have people from everywhere. I have two very close friends who are half Hungarian and one of my favorite doctors immigrated here from Hungary many years ago. He helped me immensely. One of my friends went to Budapest with her mom and aunt about 15 years ago to look up family who might still be there. I don’t remember if they found their relatives or not.

That’s great your parents are ok with cutting it. I’m glad you didn’t choose to do it behind their back.

janbb's avatar

@HanaMorgen As others have said, if you want to go really short, it is best to go halfway first. You can always cut off more.

HanaMorgen's avatar

I’m sorry I was inactive but I had to study a lot for my history exam. The exam was today and we pulled out 2 thesis and pick (their numbers out of a box) the one we like better. I only did not know 2 thesis out of the 10, the 2 hardest (everyone picked out one of them and an easier one so they could choose the easy one) and guess which 2 I picked out: yes, that 2.
(for clarification: the picking part was totally luck based)
Fortunately we had time to work them out on a paper, but I was so nervous I messed it up and in the first half of my time I acctidentally worked a wrong one out so I had to start over.
Even after all the bad luck and my lacking attention I still got a decent grade so I wanted to “reward” myself.
So here is an update on my hair: The closest appointment we could get to the hairdresser was August 5th (the day before my birthday so it would have been like a present) and I realised I could not wait any longer with the cut.
The friend I planned to ask backed out saying she is scared of messing it up for me and I couldn’t come up with anyone else so I ended up doing it myself.
I watched videos on how to do it and found a pretty simple and easy one. So I gathered everything I needed and started it.
If I remember well his name was Brad Mondo (I’m not sure about the Brad but 100%sure about the Mondo since its the same as my favorite magazine)
So as he said in the video I started by making my hair as straight as possibble (my hair is pretty straight itself) then started making sections.
I made 8 sections to make it super easy to cut (he said 4–6 is the best) and put 2 bands in all sections (1 upper and 1 lower).
The lower one was because of the donation and the upper one because the technique he showed. They looked pretty even in the mirror (double mirror) so I started to cut it (it felt exciting and good) and when I finished with the lower one the lenght was right at my shoulder. I continued with the upper one (I wasn’t satisfied with the lenght so I didn’t pulled them lower) which I did with the technique in the video.
When I finished I realised one of the strands was shorter and I had (and still have) no idea how that happened since I checked several times if the bands were the same lenght. 7 parts were what I wanted which was 2–4cm above my shoulder and 1 is at ⅓ of my neck which just didn’t makes sense: how did it end up THAT much shorter. I knew I couldn’t glue it back so decided to make it look even (=cutting the rest of the sections). When I finished with the fixing I had an A-line (longer at the front) bob but didn’t really like the style so I evened it more out (the front with the back).
When I finished I realised how short it was and freaked out for 5–10 (close to a panic attack) minutes and then I looked in the mirror again and realised it looked really good on me and calmed down the same time. I started to love it (and still do after 4 hours)
My hair is right now a chin lenght bob (very similar to a blunt bob).
I am glad I messed up because I wouldn’t have cut it this short (which would be a shame cus’ I really really really do love it now)
So: I messed up and cut off a lot more than I planned BUT I have NO REGRETS!

janbb's avatar

@HanaMorgen All’s well that ends well – and it sounds like the ends are well.

JLeslie's avatar

Sounds great!

Hair almost always winds up shorter than intended with a self cut until you get more accustomed to how to cut it. Usually better to cut twice than to go two short to begin with, but it sounds like too short was just right this time.

Cutting and changing hair color involves a learning curve. Hair also usually winds up much darker than intended when people self dye their hair brown. They think the color on the box looks medium brown and then on their head it winds up looking very close to black.

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