Okay so, first off, as far as I know I have never been sexually abused and if I was my mind blocked it out. Anyway, so ever since I was in approximately 2nd grade I’ve had these really, really weird fantasies. At first it started as weird sexualized overeating (I have no idea why) but then it began to devolve into Nudist scenarios and soon enough there was disgusting depictions of young children (like toddlers/babies) being… tortured. Ex. Hanging off of spikey fences from their.. privates, being placed into a fireplace, where I would then become the child. Eventually there was a torture table and a few other things. Creepy, disturbing, and gross I know. And as all of these fantazies/dreams were happening I would have these dreams of this wolfman who would come to people’s homes and steal their children. He would then torture them by cooking them, boiling them in stew, chopping them up, and putting ants and spiders.. up there. At the time I was maybe, 7–9 and so the privates weren’t explicit or anything. At this point I had been exposed to the internet and got into some.. pretty odd areas of the internet. Ex. Public chatrooms that exposed me to quite a lot of non-kid friendly content, the crazy world of “spanking porn” (I think I got there because I was researching the effects spanking had on kids or something, I hated that shit cus I was spanked all the damn time) Eventually I disassociated myself with that part of the internet and the fantasizes seemed to stop. I’m not sure when they came or when they left exactly, I just know it happened. Anyway, nothing really happened until 4th or 5th grade, I discovered, ya know, sexual crap. Somehow my 11/12 year old brain was curious about that shit, which grosses me out. I had a huge bout of “sexual discovery” if you wanna call it that. Eventually I started to have these really fucked up fantasizes of people, well, breaking into my house or snatching me up from the park and raping me. I don’t know why I had these thoughts and unfortunately I still sometimes have these thoughts/fantasizes. I now understand that I probably have a domination kink and probably a little bit of daddy issues (both sexually and otherwise lmao) But that still doesn’t completely explain these thoughts. Another issue I’ve been having is the fact that whenever I accidentally run across something like loli related porn (because that exists, I don’t know what I do to run across it) and I can’t help putting myself in the “loli’s” position. Is that fucked up? Probably. But that’s the problem, I don’t understand myself and I don’t know the cause of it. I’m kind of scared and worried and I can’t tell my therapist cus that is SUCH an awkward conversation, ya know?
Please help me understand this.. please.

Topics: psychology, help, childhood, curiosity, sexuality, NSFW