Here are some of my tests when faced with a dilemma.

“Worst” test:
What’s the worst that can happen if I do? What’s the worst that can happen if I don’t?

“Reversibility” test:
If I do it, can I undo it? If I don’t do it now, can I do it later?

“Time spent” test:
When I come down to my last days and hours, will I wish I could have this particular time back?—was it worth the time out of my life that I spent on it or not?

“Pizza” test:
Is it worth more or less than the cost of a pizza? How many pizzas is it worth?

“Relief” test:
If I decide not to do it, do I feel disappointed or relieved?

“Feelings” test:
Will someone be hurt by my choice? Does it matter to me or not?

Apply as needed.

Oh, yes, there’s also the Fluther test: what do the Flutherfolk say?

In this case, and in your place, I might just tender my regrets and say I’m not feeling up to it. The “Relief” test would tell the story. Let them go ahead and spoil the conversation at the shower by making your bedbugs a major topic. How many times do you feel like repeating “I was afraid it might be bedbugs, but now I really don’t think it was”?

And finally, here’s what you said:

“I have zero interest in going to this thing.”

Your own answers are always the best.

@Jeruba Interesting tests. Not sure how many of those apply, but they are interesting if not fun. I think that this is really a stressor for her and not me. I know she wants me to be there.
And ummm…..I’m guessing your joking about it being a topic of conversation?

You know these people and I don’t. Are they going to be talking about why Annie isn’t there and how it’s probably for the best, or are they going to be discreet and respectful and focus on the celebratory occasion? From what you’ve written, I can’t really picture your freaked-out sister being cool about it. So no, I wasn’t joking.

What she wants is for you to be there without any disquieting concerns. She can’t have what she wants because this has already happened and she can’t unhappen it. Will she be relieved if you decline?

Whatever answer feels right to you is the right answer.

Only her and my other sister know. Yeh, no way will this be brought up. This is all high class bullshit.

I wish I knew what answer felt right.

Ask for the wedding to include virtual aspects. Include those who only have one or less Covid vaccines.

Did you tell her your doctor doesn’t think it’s bedbugs? Did you mention that the pattern of bites isn’t even right for them?

What I think you should do is to take the bedbugs out of the story. Would you have wanted to go without that whole thing? Then go.

You can even call an exterminator and get their professional opinion if that would help you be more clear with your sister. But remember: the only responsibility you have here is to manage your own emotions. There are no bedbugs (there’s no more evidence for them than there was three months ago, and than there usually is in bedbug-free homes. Nobody can ever be certain, but seven insect bites do not equal bedbugs).

Your sister can be as upset as she likes. Hopefully, she will feel better soon. But this seems like a boundary issue. Try saying, very calmly, “Sister, I’m confident I don’t have bedbugs in the house. I think this day is important. I don’t want to miss it, so I’ll be there.” Repeat that a couple of times if necessary. Take the responsibility away from her – she probably can’t handle it right now.

In any case, everyone who’s coming is still risking Covid. Bedbugs are just expensive and a pain to deal with – Covid can kill people.

@anniereborn: The fact that your sister, at this very fraught time in your life, is being such a jerk about bedbugs is more telling than anything. It’s a shower, your presence or not shouldn’t even be particularly noted. If you are close to your nephew, a shower gift for them would be nice, but I would not add more stress to what you are already experiencing.
Your presence at the actual wedding is what will be most important.

Be well, dear, look after yourself first.

Since you don’t care about going anyway, I lean towards not going. Send a very nice gift and you will see your niece another time.

Even if you had bed bugs I doubt you could bring them into the house, you aren’t bringing your bed, you don’t store your clothing under the mattress.

It doesn’t sound like you ever had bed bugs anyway.

I guess just don’t tell your sisters things like this anymore.

I think I’m going to print out @Jeruba’s test and put it on my fridge! So many decisions I have to make lately and it’s exhausting.

The only way bed bugs can be transmitted (if they exist) is through your clothing. Put it through a hot wash (60C) and you’ll be fine.

If she is worried and really wants you there, ask her if she is willing to pay the cost of you getting an exterminator in to reassure herself. It sounds like she is just freaking out. On the other hand, if you’re not wanting to go and others would understand because of Jeff, just don’t attend and send a nice note to the bride.

I would try not to blow it up into a big issue one way or the other between you and your sister. You need to keep a relationship with your sibs right now.

Has your sister always been a drama queen?

@Dutchess_III I think you have to give people going through a wedding some breathing room and not let their crazy become a whole diagnosis. On the other hand, our Annie is going through a lot too which is why I suggest she do what she wants to do but not make it into a fight.

Clean yourself and your clothes up, phone her and tell her it wasn’t bed bugs but a rash
( stress) and then go and enjoy yourself if you want to go.

She will be relieved of any more problems in regards to your situation and you will be free to make a choice of wanting to attend or not.

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. Both are truly needed in this new world I have been handed to navigate. I am leaning towards not going and hoping it won’t turn into a thing. The thing that really got me was this; I am driving an hour to her house so we would then drive in an hour together to the shower. This would be my first big outing since Jeff died. Quite a stressful one too. And I asked her if I could spend the night at her house if I has a meltdown and didn’t want to drive the hour home. That didn’t go over well. She doesn’t want me in her house pretty much. I understand. Bed bugs are hell. But it hurt to know I wasn’t welcome in my closest sister’s home.

P.S. Yeh I am not the most comfortable about the Covid thing either. It’s not over and I wouldn’t be surprised if there is more to come.

Your niece will likely just assume you’re overwhelmed with grief and be very understanding. You don’t even need to really explain to her, you can just convey your regrets for not being in attendance. Hopefully, your sister does keep her mouth shut about possible bed bugs, although I admit my fist inclination was she would be gossipy about it, but I don’t know her you do.

[deleted]

Not worth the stress @anniereborn. Stay home. Drink rum.

@anniereborn It does sound really stressful. I would just bow out as still grieving.

@JLeslie Naw she won’t be gossipy about it. She’d be mortified if anyone on the bride’s side even had an inkling. They are rich rich rich and “successful”.
Also, i hardly know my nephew’s fiance, so she probably will barely notice I am gone. I think there’s like ten people standing up on either side. Those girls will take up half the room anyways.

@anniereborn there’s a little poem I almost remember, about flipping a coin to make a decision. Not to let the coin toss decide but because once the coin is in the air, “you suddenly know what you’re hoping.”

Sounds like your coin is in the air. You’ve decided to stay home. Anyway the fiance will be paying attention to who is there, much more than who isn’t.

It’s not like this is the last chance you’ll have to pay attention to the bride-to-be and give presents.

@kneesox My Ex taught me the same trick but with a slight twist. When you see what it lands on and if you are pleased or disappointed, you know what to decide. Exact same idea though. Unfortunately, sometimes you’re still conflicted but it does help.

I wanted to add that it sounds like the bed bugs were just the icing on the cake but that’s just soooo icky!

Yeah, I’ve been doing the coin flip thing for years. It really helps a lot.

Ha. Memory still holding up half decently.

“Whenever you’re called on to make up your mind,
and you’re hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you’ll find,
is simply by spinning a penny.
No – not so that chance shall decide the affair
while you’re passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you’re hoping.”

― Piet Hein
Grooks 1

More.

Showers are usually boring anyway. I loathe the opening all the gifts part. Since she is not the family member (yet) then yeah I think missing it is not a big deal at all. It’s not like there was going to be only 5 people.

If you do want to go, you could always tell her that you had an exterminator come and he said no bedbugs.

But I’m more concerned about you feeling bad about yourself as a result of things she has said. Anyone who has siblings has both good and bad history with them and it can be so painful when they’re less than understanding of our issues. At one point I was going to be homeless and asked basically my only relative (a sister) if I could stay with her – she said no. I’m sorry she said no to your staying with her. I just can’t understand that mindset.

Please try not to internalize her judgements. Come to fluther and rant or whine if you want; there are lots of people here who care about you. {{hugs}}

My daughter had a confirmed case of bed bugs a few years back and while it was verging on the nightmarish at the time, they are now a distant memory. I was a little paranoid about them myself at the time and I was living 400 miles away so I can understand your sister’s feelings. The important thing, as you know, is not the bedbugs but maintaining family relationships. That is what to bear in mind when you make your decision. Either way, the wedding itself should be fun and somewhat more relaxed.

I talked to my sister last night. I told her in light of the situation that I would bow out. She seemed relieved. She admitted to teetering on the edge with all the stress she is dealing with. And that the thought of getting bed bugs would send her over it. I don’t understand all this wedding crap, but I understand that she is overwrought. I am going to look into getting an inspection for both her peace of mind and mine. I don’t want to not be able to see my sister due to the worry.

@anniereborn Sounds like a good resolution all around since you weren’t eager to go.

I would just make up some excuse. Maybe that you’re feeling under the weather. In these Covid days, that should satisfy everyone. No one needs family drama. And we all have it. We went to a silly gender reveal thing for my eldest grand daughter, who is preggers, a few weeks back. Wanted to be there for her, she has always been close to her PawPaw (me). Ended up wishing I hadn’t gone. My grand son, (her brother), and her husband got into it, so my son in law, his dad, sent him home. I stayed out of it because my wife took me aside and told me not to interfere, but I damn near left. If have to attend any more family crap, I’ll make you a deal. Send me the bed bugs, I’ try to find you a goose that lays golden eggs. Fair enough?

So, at this moment, my family is celebrating without me. It’s not that I wanted to be there, it’s that I feel I had no choice. I feel so sad and alone. I know this website isn’t the place for emotional support. But you “know” but Darth and I. And I just feel so alone.

Maybe you should have gone then. I just hope you’re ok. Keep us posted, please.

Annie, as hollow as this may sound, you do have us, and we care for and about you. We can’t actually do much, but be comforted in the idea that we know you and knew Darth in ways that your real life people didn’t, and you can hang with us, and revisit how we all interacted with him.

I think the drive and the activity might have needlessly exhausted you.

Many hugs to you, dear one.

@canidmajor Thank you so much. You make a lovely point in regards to the way everyone on here knows us. And it does comfort me.

We are here!

Makes perfect sense that you feel a little left out and at the same time relieved. That uneasy feeling sucks. I do think you made the right decision though. You were worried about the whole escapade aside from this bed bugs issue.

Are you in the Tide Pool on Facebook? Maybe post some things in there and jellies can join you.

Can you FaceTime with the shower for a couple of minutes? If that interests you.

@JLeslie I don’t know what the Tide Pool is on Facebook. At this point the shower should be over for the most part. I’m sure my sister will call me tonite will all the splendor of it all. I think I will let that go to voice mail.

@anniereborn It’s hard not to feel conflicted, left out and grieving at times. I’ve struggled with some of those issues since my marriage ended. Let your sister’s call go to voice mail as you suggested and snuggle up with your favorite cozy maker; Netflix, a cat, or chocolate. And Fluther.

How are the bites doing?

@janbb Thank you. Our kitty helps tremendously. I got another bite last night, on my ankle. I have not been outside, so it’s not that. I can’t even see the dang thing, it’s just itchy. I guess it’s a bite, I dunno. I found a dead bug this morning by the bed leg. I put it in a ziplock bag. I looked at it with a magnifying glass. In my estimation it does not look like a bedbug.But, I can’t figure out what it is. I wish I had a camera that could take a close enough picture. I’m trying to find a place I can take it for identification.

If you call orkin or one of those other places that come to spray for bugs, they should be able to identify them. My brother had bedbugs with no idea how he got them, and it took a very long time to get rid of them. The bug people were coming out once a week to spray for about 3 months. I hope it’s not bed bugs.
I know you are missing Darth and my heart goes out to you.

I’m sorry you feel sad, but I’m really glad that you felt ok to come here and say it. 8^)

How cool is it that you found a bug?! (That sounds kinda weird hehe) But I’ll bet an extermination company would identify it for free. Oh, I just thought of something – what if they’re not very honest people and think that they could tell you anything and advise you to hire them to take care of the problem. 8^(

I wonder if you could find out what it is by looking online. Dead fleas are usually laying on their sides with about 6 tiny legs sticking out, are the size and shape of a sesame seed like on top of hamburger buns, and are a dark brown with a reddish tint. Bedbugs, from what I’ve seen online, lay on their stomachs, are more round with their legs out to the sides. It says they’re about the size of an apple seed, and from the looks of the pics, they’re not as dark as fleas. You might also want to look up chiggers and mites.

Maybe think of it as looking up scientific evidence related to a murder – it might distract you and make you feel a little better.

@smudges Good advice although I don’t think any of the reputable exterminators are looking to misdiagnose a bug. I’ve found them pretty reliable.

I’m thinking I might call the county health dept and see if they can help or direct me. I really don’t want to deal with an exterminators trying to sell me a line unless I have to. I have been looking extensively online to identify it. It’s hard when its’ all curled up dead.

@anniereborn Your local extension service should help. They even have entemologists on staff. They’re always connected to an agricultural university, and they’ll never sell you anything.

Here’s one with the University of Minnesota. I drew up their “biting bugs section: https://extension.umn.edu/search?q=Bug%20bites#gsc.tab=0&gsc.q=Bug%20bites&gsc.page=1

Also, if you can get a good look at the bite, look to see how many holes there are. If the bite has 2 holes, it’s a spider bite.

@snowberry Hmm that link isn’t going to an insect area. It just basically has the university header. But thank you for that tip. I don’t even know what an extension service is.

You’re not in the U.S., correct?

@smudges I am two hours outside of Chicago

@anniereborn Do a search for University Extension Service. Or look for Minnesota extension service if you want to; it’s closer to your area than some others.

Then use their search engine to look for what they have on spider bites, bug bites, etc. That’s how I found my link. I’m sorry it didn’t show up for you.

@anniereborn: You’ll see that bed bugs are brown and flat, like a disc. Fleas are tiny like a sesame seed. Almost impossible to see – they look like they could be dirt. If you bring the bug to a pest control place, they’ll take one look and tell you in a second what it is. No obligation to use their services – you might even catch one of the guys getting into his truck outside the place and you could just ask him.

@jca2 Thank you. I have seen fleas before many times, so I know that’s not what this is. It doesn’t match your bed bug description thankfully. That’s a good idea about catching someone going into their truck.

@anniereborn Huh! For some strange reason I thought you were in the U.K. %P

Feeling any better today?

@smudges I was feeling better earlier. But for some reason I had a really terrible anxiety attack later. I called one of my sisters (not the shower sister). And talking to her helped bring me back down. Also i ate something. I haven’t been eating much lately.

Eating is good for your mind, body and soul. It tends to make you feel better, so try not to neglect it. Although I do understand the tendency.

So glad you have a sister you can talk to. When they’re good, they’re very very good. ;) But when they’re in a mood, mine anyway, I tiptoe. LOL

@anniereborn

”for some reason” – hey, you have all the reasons.

Please be very nice to your body. One thing a smart counselor taught me a while ago is to have a checklist for your basic needs when you’re going through difficult times. That really helped me.

Good for you, reaching out to your sister.

@longgone what’s on the checklist?

@kneesox Here’s the list I used. It’s all signs that my needs aren’t being met. You may need to add your own “symptoms” of an empty tank, and it’s worth spending a little time on what those may be. But this general list was a good start for me:

You ask “Am I experiencing…

…repetitive negative thoughts?
...flashes of anger?
...despair?
...guilt?
...emptiness?
...loneliness?
...panic?
...exhaustion?
...impatience?
...ruminating?
...hunger?
...discomfort from temperature?
...any trouble concentrating?
...the urge to cry?
...headaches/other physical pain?
...tightness in jaw or shoulders?
...a sense of tasks overwhelming me?”

For a while, I had the strict rule that any more than five of these signs meant a break with an easy book or light TV, plus a snack. I had to enforce this for myself because at a certain point, I would lose the ability to know why I was feeling terrible. The list really helped put things in perspective.

@longgone Um I have all of those these days.

@anniereborn I know. But hopefully not all of them non-stop? The list is supposed to help you with the basic stuff, like making sure you at least don’t forget to eat and sleep.

I used this list five times a day. The idea is not to get rid of the exhausting emotions, but just to remind yourself that meeting your needs is not optional. Hence “needs”.

So, if you’re experiencing many or all of the signs right now, it’s time to take care of yourself. And if every check-in tells you exactly that, at least you’re getting a regular reminder to eat a real meal, take a bubble bath, or drink some hot chocolate.

@anniereborn You probably will for a while. But it will slowly get easier. Never completely gone but easier…

@longgone …I would lose the ability to know why I was feeling terrible.

Sorry to interrupt the thread, but this hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m bipolar with an emphasis on the depressive side, and when I’m depressed, I often don’t recognize that I’m depressed, if that makes sense. I just kind of wonder what’s going on until something kicks in and I remember. Thank you for putting that into words.

@anniereborn Feelings are like waves on the beach…they come, then they recede, ebb and flow. You will feel better. Slowly but surely, until one day you’ll say, “Wow, when did that happen?” Until that day, keep talking about it to whomever will listen. There should be free or sliding scale therapy available to you. Maybe check into that. It’s a known fact that the top five most stressful life events are:

Death of a loved one
Divorce
Moving
Major illness or injury
Job loss

@smudges I do have a therapist. But right now she is booked up a lot in July, so it is every other week. (I just started going to her). I haven’t seen my (shower) sister since the week he died. My fatherINlaw is not in great health so he is not coming up to visit as he’d like to. So I am pretty much alone most of the time. I can’t have anyone over due to the possible bug problem nor can I go to anyone’s house for the same reason. I don’t have a lot of friends really. Darth and I just kept to ourselves a lot. Well, we did have more family, but, we lost them through the years.

@anniereborn Glad to hear you have a therapist, they can be so helpful; even just having someone listen to us helps. I know what you mean about friends. I have a handful, but no really close ones anymore. And my ex and I were like you two were, kept to ourselves. Why not? We got along and had so much in common.

I remember your FIL is pretty supportive, sorry he’s not up for visits much. Keep us posted on the bug – what it is, etc.

@longgone, that’s a very powerful checklist. Five out of 17? I just scored a 15. I’m thinking maybe I should be chilling a little more, or at least starting to try to figure out how to do that while the tornado is still whirling.

@anniereborn, my heartfelt sympathy. Have you found any reading matter that really helped? I’ve read several pertinent things in the past few months and would put Frank Ostaseski’s The Five Invitations at the top of that list.

@Jeruba Right now my mind is having a hard time concentrating so I haven’t been reading. But I saved that book to my list. It looks interesting.

I took the “dead bug in a bag” as I kept calling it to the people i called today, to the extension of Univ of IL (thank you to whoever suggested that). The dang thing fell apart when she took it out. Her guess however was a carpet beetle (which don’t bite, or that kind doesn’t). It most def was not a bed bug. So really I am kinda back to square one with all that. At least I know where to take a bug for ID now though.

Bless your heart @Anniereborn.

@anniereborn Good on ya. Any more bites?

@janbb Nope!

@Jeruba “I just scored a 15.” Go lie down!! You’ve probably been dealing with fatigue from even before the grieving period…I’m sorry. [bear hug].

@smudges I know what you mean. At a certain point, exhaustion or overwhelming feelings of sadness are like an avalanche: they get worse and worse, until they’re so strong they can’t be stopped. Then you’re sliding down and possiby crashing, which can mean an angry outburst, a panic attack, or whatever your personal meltdown looks like. It’s also when you’re most at risk of engaging in harmful behaviours.

Unfortunately, there is such pervasive messaging about “powering through” that it takes some work and comittment to accept and recognize your own limits. It’s so much more sensible to take a break and recharge before you hit your personal rock bottom, but it’s certainly not easy.

@anniereborn I suggested the extension service. Those folks are amazing. They can help you with everything from problems regarding cooking, bugs, gardening, animals, you name it. They also run 4-H.

@snowberry Aha, then it is you that I thank! The health dept actually referred me there, but at least I knew what they were talking about.

@anniereborn: There are these sticky things that can stick to the walls or furniture or corners on the floor, that can catch bugs for you to bring someplace for identification. When I had this issue a few years ago, a pest control friend gave me a bunch and I’m sure that a pest control place can give you some, or the Health Dept might have them, or you can probably order them on Amazon. When the bug sticks to them, you don’t squish it, the bug just dies on its own because it can’t move and then you can bring it someplace for identification. The stickiness of the tape trap thing doesn’t mar the walls or furniture.

@jca2 Yes, great idea. My PCO gave me some too a few years ago when I thought I had fleas.

@jca2 I got some of those from Amazon. I have four in various places around my bed. I have found nothing. But there is nothing on them to “attract” the bugs. It is just if they happen to walk over it. I also have double sided tape wrapped around the bed legs.

@longgone Yes! And I think that’s one of the reasons that a lot of people avoid therapy: because we’re supposed to ‘pull ourselves up by the bootstraps’. But as time passes and new generations grow up, that philosophy will change.

@anniereborn I can just picture you on the floor wrapping tape around your bed legs. 8)

@smudges There were a lot of F bombs dropped.

@anniereborn Perhaps they killed the little buggers! :-)

UPDATE: I found the most wonderful pest control company. They are an independent company. Owned by a husband and wife team for 30 years. This wonderful woman talked to me kindly on the phone for an HOUR this morning.

The long and the short of it is….she doesn’t think it sounds like bed bugs, but gave me a lot of tips on how to try and find them and/or catch them. If I do find something she said they could ID it (or i could take it to the extension again) and then if I’d like them to do treatment they’d be happy to come out. The most honest and lovely lady!

She said that there is no way even an exterminator can totally tell you that you don’t have them. They can of course confirm you have them if they see evidence. But they can hide anywhere.

So I changed all my bedding to really light colors, to see better. I am going to continue with the double sided tape (i found nothing so far). and I think I am going to get some of those traps you put your bed legs in that you can get on amazon.

I feel better talking to her, but feel I have lost my sister till after that wedding when she may just regain some sanity.

@anniereborn That’s wonderful! Some companies are still really great. I forget how soon the wedding is? It’s too bad your sister has a stressor when you could really use the support.

PS I have an exterminator coming on Friday for my bug bites issues.

@janbb Not for another 3 months! Last night was a bad convo with her. I asked her to meet for lunch at a restaurant, she won’t even do that! And she said that if this isn’t resolved by the time of the wedding, not to come! OMG! I mean, i would think and hope it would be resolved by then, but…WTF!

@anniereborn, with this latest nuttiness, I’m now wondering if the issue with your sister goes a lot deeper. Is it possible that the question of bugs is just a deflector and that what she really can’t handle is your grief and loss?

@anniereborn Oh – that’s just sucky! I’m wondering the same as @Jeruba. What’s really going on with her?

Oh she has a lot of things going on with her, she truly does. And she is so blinded by it all that she can’t listen to reason.