Your feelings are the only thing that should be important to you. You may have been a little too cautious, but your gut feeling might have been spot on. We will never know.
I think you should always go with what you feel or sense.
Should women always worry about rape? No, but I think it’s in the back of our minds a lot. Especially in situations we are unfamiliar with or in places we aren’t comfortable in.

I’m sorry for the loss of your husband.

The man gave off very bad vibes. When he wrote that it wasn’t a date, he revealed that on some level he was imagining dating you. That’s a red flag coming from someone you haven’t been in contact with for 40 years. You made the right decision to end contact. I’m very sorry you had that experience.

^She’s right.
While we don’t have to live in fear, we should always be very cautious.
And just as a reminder, 59% of all rapes are by a known acquaintance.

@Hawaii_Jake Thank you :))

24/7/365? Caution is sensible, but I’m trying to imagine traveling through life on the assumption that every man is a potential rapist. As I say, since I’m a man, I don’t find this incident threatening or all that suspicious considering that things went reasonably well in your first encounter. After all, the guy might simply be lonely. Think about it. How hard would it be for him to get your address If he meant you harm?

“Fear”, no. Be aware of your gut instincts, yes. If someone you don’t know that well says or behaves in a way that raises a red flag, don’t ignore it. Most of us don’t live in actual fear, but with a heightened awareness of potential danger, and I think that that is only sensible.

You felt uncomfortable, you did the right thing. It doesn’t actually matter if he was harmless or not, your reactions were appropriate.

Usually, my advice is trust your gut with things like this, but also realize women are trained to be wary and afraid, so our gut is often on overdrive. Still, always better to be safe than sorry.

It might just be that he doesn’t understand all of the things women do to protect themselves, I find a lot of men are quite clueless. From what I understand it’s customary for initial dates, especially online dating, to meet in public places like restaurants or coffee shops. The two people definitely would not be giving home addresses.

What men might not know is it is drummed into women to never get into the vehicle! Once you are brought to a secondary location it is a really bad situation if a man wants to harm a woman. So, in your mind, obviously, if you trust him to get in his car then you trust him. In his mind, he might not put that all together.

I do know people who get in contact with old school friends and date. A close friend of mine married that date not long after connecting with each other.

You can always continue to get to know him and see how you feel in the future.

Edit: my answer to your question is, yes, women should fear rape. I know I do. I’m not all day long paranoid, but my antennae go up fairly easily when something feels off or I’m in a vulnerable situation.

This is my gut reaction to your story. The guy did have the intention of eventually becoming romantically involved with you. It sounded like he was trying to be extra-sensitive to any fears/concerns you might have. This could be because (a) he’s maybe out of practice with dating and how to interact with women/socially awkward, or (b) he was trying too hard to put you at ease because he had bad intentions and wanted you to let your guard down.

I don’t know much about the guy from the few details you mentioned but my inclination is to assume (a). If I knew more about him, maybe I would lean the other way.

@stanleybmanly I wouldn’t call this incident threatening but, suspicious? Yes. Things went very well in our lunch and coffee encounter. I got in his car to the coffee shop, and nothing happened. So, when the idea of having the BBQ in his house in NC came up, I had no hesitations whatsoever.

The uneasy feeling came about when he asked me if I would feel uncomfortable giving him my address. Why would he ask that? If we were old classmates/friends, why would I have worry to tell him where I lived? He was going to take me to his house for the day. Was that not the same thing, but the other way around? He was trusting me in his home. Then, what was the assumption in his mind? That I should/could fear him? What I read from his question was: If I were a woman, I wouldn’t trust me (him).

I think @gorillapaws is most likely correct. Not that it matters. All that matters is your comfort level, and it makes sense to be cautious.

If @gorillapaws is correct then the guy will understand why you changed your mind.

You need to do what makes you feel comfortable.

@JLeslie The point is I was trusting until he made me untrusting by his remarks. I have also mentioned in the other thread how trusting I usually am and want to be because I wasn’t raised to distrust men at all. My gut feeling was activated when he suggested that not giving him my address could be something to consider.

It might just be that he doesn’t understand all of the things women do to protect themselves, Oh, I think he does. The idea of not giving him my address came from him not me.

From what I understand it’s customary for initial dates, especially online dating, to meet in public places like restaurants or coffee shops. The two people definitely would not be giving home addresses This was not a date. It was two old friends getting together for a cook out. And he was taking me to his house for the day. So, why would he think it is O.K. for me to know where he lives, but not for him to know where I live? That is why the whole thing was so confusing to me.

I clarified from day one that I was not ready to date. The presence of my late husband is still around my house as if it happened yesterday. I told him I just needed a friend. A male friend. I like the way men look at things and feel good around them.

@Yeahright I read it wasn’t a “date,” but I’m just using the word loosely. I make dates with girlfriends for lunch.

He possibly just sees knowing where you live as something women try to protect. Think about if you go on two dates or meetings and then decide It’s not working out, then you’re probably glad he doesn’t know where you live.

I think he wants to date you. That’s my impression, but he didn’t want you to feel any pressure.

It just all backfired on him. When men are too nice it often feels weird, which is weird.

Or, your gut feeling might be completely correct. I can’t know.

@Yeahright I’d give him another chance, sounds like he may have been trying to be sensitive. Like if you didn’t want him knowing, that would be fine with him. Just how it struck me. Maybe it was just too soon to cross state lines without your own vehicle.

It doesn’t matter if it was a date or not, it’s still going with a man somewhere who you are just getting to know again.

@KNOWITALL Something broke with that conversation and although we did text a couple of times after that, the feeling just wasn’t there to continue. IMO, things have to flow, to grow organically (and I mean the friendship—dating was 100% off the table from day one).

@JLeslie That is a very interesting your point there. For me it makes all the difference in the world. To me, dating and friendship are two different things. Although the two share a lot of the same characteristics because usually your SO is also your best friend, I wanted to make sure that the romantic/sexual element would not be present in the interaction whatsoever. For him not have any expectations of that nature and so I could be myself and not being too guarded as not to send signals that could be misinterpreted as romantic of sexual attraction.

No, that would be awful. It would render many of life’s pleasures impossible.

I don’t think you were too trusting going out with him, and in the texting situation it seems likely that the guy was just trying to show empathy. I probably would have felt safer after he demonstrated this. Though I would probably have taken my own car from the start.

However, only you can truly gauge the situation and the subconscious calculations that translate to a “gut feeling” can be remarkably accurate.

@JLeslie “When men are too nice it often feels weird, which is weird.”

That’s a perfect way to explain it.

I get the sense he didn’t have any malicious intent since he already had opportunities and didn’t act on them. I do get the sense that he likely had the intent to befriend you with the intention of eventually dating and becoming romantically involved. That in-and-of-itself means that he was likely being deceitful about his ultimate intentions—“playing it cool” as they say. That said, I do think the comment about knowing your address wasn’t as big of a red flag as it was for you (based on my limited amount of information about the situation). It’s certainly possible that he was anticipating any concerns you might have as a woman living alone and was trying to demonstrate that he was being thoughtful about them. He could have been thinking that such a statement was demonstrating a sense of consideration and thoughtfulness, when, as @JLeslie correctly points out, “when men are too nice, it often feels weird, which is weird.”

It’s also possible the guy does have bad intent. You met him, interacted with him, and I certainly wouldn’t discount any intuition you feel towards someone. If you get the creepy vibe, I certainly wouldn’t fault you for walking away.

@Yeahright Rape has nothing to do with whether it was a date or not. You wanted to make clear it was not a date when you felt everything was safe, just so he had no expectations of anything intimate or a romantic relationship.

As I have said before, my Old Pappy used to say that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. So for my money, you did the right thing. Always go with your gut feeling. I mean if you had been really tight with this guy, not dating necessarily, but just close friends, and you had hung out and gone places with no issues, that would be a different ball of wax. But just a sort of casual acquaintance? Hell to the no. It sounds like you don’t really know him well enough for that sort of trust. And that’s not to say you should fear getting raped every time you go to a convenience store, but there’s a huge difference between common sense precaution, and sheer paranoia.

@Nomore_lockout GA to you.

@longgone I couldn’t take my car because I had to change the tires the following week and didn’t want to take chances driving four hours. But, being in the car with him was not the only problem. I was also going to be in his house, in his terrain so to speak.

I fail to see how it could be safer for me that he didn’t know where I lived, when I was going to spend a whole day is his house.

You are onto something with the subconscious calculations that translate to a “gut feeling”. It is actually a human defense mechanism that we often disregard. I also think that after my husband’s passing I feel very vulnerable in general and inadvertly a gut reaction was triggered by his remarks.

@Yeahright You are thinking about it from your perspective not his. Let’s say he is a good guy and knows he would never hurt you. He knows you are safe at his house, because he knows he will never hurt you. He at the same time might think that you want to keep your house as your sanctuary for the time being. He isn’t necessarily putting it all together like you do.

I am in no way saying you are being illogical or irrational. I am only saying he might have a different set of items that he thinks women care about or worry about.

@gorillapaws “I do get the sense that he likely had the intent to befriend you with the intention of eventually dating and becoming romantically involved” Well that can be a double edged blade at times. Being friendly with a woman does not always denote “romantic intent”, on the mans part. I had a lady friend once years ago, who became engaged to a mutual friend of ours. We attended a pre wedding party, all brew and good cheer (I thought). So she suddenly called me to the bar, I thought I was in store for a free brew. But she wraps her arms around me, tells me I’m the guy she really loves, and she’d go out with me anytime of day or night. Needless to say, she pulled this crap in front of her fiancé, who was also my friend. Then dragged my ass out on the dance floor to dance, while some wise guy ass hole put Blue Spanish Eyes on the juke box. And she was a Latina and that made it worse. My friend thought I had been hitting on her behind his back, which is total B.S. I never hit on her, put a move on her, or anything else. And never in my wildest imagination, would have been presumptuous enough to think that she had any romantic views of me at all. One of the most embarrassing situations I ever recall being in, and it came from right out of left field. So it can work both ways.

No, women’s shouldn’t fear rape all the time. And if they do feel worried, they should listen to those feelings and sort out what they’re about, and act accordingly.

This part:

he said: “Are you comfortable with me coming there? Because it is your apartment. I want to be respectful of your space. Some women are uncomfortable with guys knowing where they live.…

Seems ok to me. It appears to me like he’s just asking and being considerate at that point, and being apprehensive or overly concerned.

But then he continued:

Me? I’m not necessarily a scary guy. Just wanted to give you the choice. Obviously, we’re comfortable with each other…

THAT word “necessarily” is what lights my warning light, making me wonder what in his thinking would have him choose that word, unless there is some condition where he would be a scary guy, and what is that?

Also, he wanted to “give” you the “choice”? I could take that as politeness, or I could frame it as he’s framing it as him “giving” me a choice I already have, which could feel like a sneaky encroachment.

I might tease back, “In what way would you be a scary guy?”

And/or I might say, “No worries there, but now that I think about getting back and forth, I’ll just drive myself.”

Or I might just not go, as you did. It’d come down to my feelings about whether I felt at all possibly unsafe with him, and what I wanted to do.

It never really occurred to me until now, but do gay men generally have the same underlying fear of rape (or at least maintaining a basic level of caution) that women do? In other words, is the nature of the fear about the man, or a lack of confidence in being able to defend yourself should the other person turn out to be a bad guy? I think this is still topical to the original question because it’s trying to understand the nature of the fear.

@Zaku I’m not necessarily a scary guy. I also cringed with that word. It’s like leaving the door slightly open to the possibility that he could be scary at times.

I am so glad I had the chance to post this and get other people’s opinion because I get tired of looking at the problem from one angle. That said, and I am not being argumentative here, and I am trying hard to understand how it is different that I can go to his house for the day, know where he lives, how to get there, and then be hesitant to give him my address?

With all things being equal, I don’t get why we have a double standard there.

And actually, I didn’t go, not because I didn’t necessarily feel safe, but because, I couldn’t understand his frame of mind. There was an immediate disconnection right then and there.

I think there’s an important distinction between being alert to potential risks, and suffering from the kind of hypervigilance that constantly sets off false alarms. It can be the choice between real safety and stress overload.

But it’s personal experience that teaches all of us the difference.

Even though I’ve experienced assualt myself, the kind of fear you’re talking about isn’t an option for me. I refuse to live my life as a victim.

@JLoon Exactly what kind of fear are you talking about? The title or something in the story?

@Yeahright – What you just asked : “Should women fear rape 24/7/365?”

@gorillapaws I can speak for myself as a gay man that I have never feared rape. However, I am tall and white and have a normal amount of masculinity. I have privilege. I have a dear friend who is of small stature and thin and effeminate, he was raped.

I have never heard gay men speak of the fear of rape or sexual assault.

@JLoon Right, the wording of the question.

I actually worded it like that because I felt the thought of rape/danger was more in his mind than in mine since he is the one that suggested that he would understand if I didn’t want to give him my address. What I understood from that remark was that maybe I should be thinking about that when I really wasn’t before he mentioned it.

So the question then came to mind: Should I worry about that all the time with all the men I ever interact with?

About this question:

I fail to see how it could be safer for me that he didn’t know where I lived, when I was going to spend a whole day is his house. ...

I would assume he may likely have been thinking, because supposedly he was hosting an event involving a mother-in-law and child, rather than being alone with him in his house. Compared to the context where he knows where you live, and if he is a rapist, might stalk and/or catch you alone there at some time.

I am trying hard to understand how it is different that I can go to his house for the day, know where he lives, how to get there, and then be hesitant to give him my address?

With all things being equal, I don’t get why we have a double standard there.

Yeah I think it goes back to that context he seemed to have in mind for some reason, that a woman might be afraid of him but not vice versa.

My guess is that he already had some experience where one or more women have said some things along those lines that have him thinking this way. His actions may or may not have warranted it with them, but somehow that’s stuck in his thinking now. There are certainly common popular conversations about men being dangerous that have some men confused and defensive about what they are or are not supposed to say or do.

The tricky part is figuring out what ideas he has. Does he think he should be saying these things to try to be appropriate? Is he trying to sneakily shift the social context? Is he actually dangerous? He seems to have some screwy mindset, but how screwy, and do you want to take the effort to try to figure that out? My guess is he’s probably not actually dangerous, but I imagine I probably wouldn’t choose to potentially risk my safety to find out.

I think it’s really men’s responsibility to figure out how not to scare women, and unfortunately for everyone, there are even more confused and clueless and socially messed up men than there are dangerous men.

@Zaku Yes, I recall him mentioning a couple of female friends of his who had problems with ex-boy friends stalking them or something to that effect.

I don’t really think he is dangerous either. I just couldn’t understand the double standard and panicked at the thought of me not seeing certain red flags, because I have been known not to see stuff that other people see right off the bat..

I like you take on it, though. It explains a lot as to what he could be thinking.

@Yeahright ”...I am trying hard to understand how it is different that I can go to his house for the day, know where he lives, how to get there, and then be hesitant to give him my address?”

Forget you and this guy for a second and picture a single woman who lives alone. She gets invited to a guy’s house who happens to be a creep (unbeknownst to her). Going to his house is less risky than him knowing her address because, she could have communicated to a friend ahead of time where she.was going and who she was with. Maybe that friend is supposed.to check in on her. She might be sharing her gps location on her phone with a friend. The girl will likely be on her guard to some extent. Raping/murdering this woman in his home would potentially be very risky because it’s much easier for him to get caught/punished by the authorities.

If the creep knows where she lives, he could ambush and abduct her at a time when she wasn’t prepared and the authorities wouldn’t necessarily be able to link the crime to him. I would say that it’s objectively more dangerous for a creep to know where you live than to plan a trip to a creep’s house.

Also, I’m not saying this guy was a creep. It’s just a hypothetical to illustrate the point.

@gorillapaws I understand better now. It is difficult because I am not used to thinking like that. Probably because I wasn’t raised that way and where I come from that is never the concern among friends.

@Yeahright I take it you aren’t into the show “Criminal Minds?”

^ Not CM, I prefer real crime stories like Investigation Discovery, Dateline, Unsolved Mysteries, FBI Files, etc., but I don’t go around thinking it could happen to me.

There are things a woman can do to avoid situations like that. I call it “situational awareness”. Don’t go to a store after dark for something you can do without until daylight. Don’t go clubbing alone. (I tell my sister that all the time). Go with a group of women and stay together. Don’t, as mentioned in the Q, go out with a guy you aren’t really tight with. Don’t flash money in public places. Just use some common sense precautions…it doesn’t mean you have to shiver in your slippers every time you take out the trash, or go buy gasoline. Just my own two cents.

Situations like what?

Not go to the store after dark? So, women should have a “”situational awareness” self-imposed curfew? In the wintertime sometimes it is really dark by the time I get to the supermarket after work.

Don’t go out with an old HS classmate? We studied in a small town in upstate NY, everybody knew everybody. He was married for 35 years; his wife died a couple of years ago. He is taking care of his MIL and his 25-year-old son who is in between jobs, and the dogs. He is somewhat active in our FB class group and posts normal stuff that he does. If I can’t trust someone like that, I don’t know who I can trust then.

I’m not contradicting you. I’m just not in that frame of mind. That’s why I was so shocked by his comments regarding my address and wanted to hear other people’s opinions here.

Well ok, was saying there are things that can be done..maybe situational awareness is a bad term..alertness, caution? I don’t know.

@Nomore_lockout. Women live daily with alertness and awareness from a very early age. Men don’t think twice about going out for a walk at night, going to the store etc. Women are ALWAYS aware of their surroundings. No tips are necessary.

Well the bbq at his house was to include his son and mother in law. My guess is that it occurred to him that you might not yet want him to assume he was at liberty to come to your house without your invitation. My bet is that he is trying to be a gentleman and put you at ease. If it bothers you that much, tell someone dependable where you’re going. Bring your cell phone in your purse. When he arrives, call a friend with whom you’ve prearranged this scenario. You call the friend, place the phone on speaker, then put it in your purse. Your friend can then chaperone until either you feel safe or they fall asleep from boredom.

Ok ok so sue me peeps.
It a well intentioned response, no need for so much offense being taken. Cowabanga! I don’t know what the solution is then, or if there even is one..Short of my suggested Old West solution.

What do they look like??

I don’t fear rape 24/7/365. I am aware of my surroundings when I’m in unfamiliar territory but otherwise, not overly vigiliant when I’m among people that I know and trust, or when I’m in territory that is safe to me, like if I’m in my neighborhood.

I think in the case of the former classmate who was having a barbecue, two hours away, and your car wasn’t in a position to be driven, I would have said no thank you, I’ll go next time. Next time, I would have driven myself. I think (and I know this is beside the point) to have a host of a party drive two hours each way and he has to get the party ready would be a lot for him. I would have preferred to drive myself, to be more independent about coming and going.

As for his comments, I agree with @gorillapaws. I think he was trying to be extra sensitive to any fears/concerns you may have had. I think he was awkward the way he worded it. Maybe he liked you and was nervous when he started with the comments.

Your feelings are your feelings. If you felt unsafe, it’s better you skipped it. I think maybe you jumped the gun, but still, you went with your instincts and so it’s done. If you have conflicted feelings and you want to keep in contact with him to keep him as a friend, you can always call or text him and discuss the miscommunication or mixup or misunderstanding or whatever you want to call it.

I’m thinking it was jumping the gun to agree to go on a two hour trip. I don’t even like to drive two hours to begin with let alone with someone I have not seen in years and just getting to know again. I wouldn’t even do it with a girlfriend I don’t think.

It seems you had completely different ideas about why you were meeting up. You wanted to resume an acquaintanceship with an old class mate while he wanted to start a relationship. You made it clear from the outset that you didn’t want to date and he didn’t accept that so there is a problem. I think you did the right thing in cancelling. Your class mate doesn’t seem to have much empathy or respect for your feelings.