“Panic” has multiple meanings, so I’ll go with how you seem to be using it here (someone is upset about something).

Telling someone to “calm down” is dismissive and I suspect you know that (your “snowflake” political declaration is pretty transparent).

“Panic” as in specifically in this context thinking something horrible is happening and screaming hysterically.

The way I see it, the person saying calm down is trying to help the panicking person cool down from hysteric mode, as hysteria can potentially make things worse. I can understand it may comes off as dismissive, but it’s unfair to condemn them as being insensitive.

Telling someone who is panicking to “calm down” is counterproductive, and anyone with an ounce of sense knows this. Do you also stab people in the leg when they have a migraine to distract them from the head pain (and get huffy when they yell at you for it because you were “just trying to help”)?

I agree with you…but for the fact that asking a panicking person to calm down usually doesn’t work.

What helps in those instances is demonstrating a calm demeanor while assisting the panicking person. This sometimes has the effect of reducing the level of panic and prevents you from being accused of being insensitive to the situation.

@SABOTEUR I agree with you. That is a better alternative. I’m just not really ok with someone trying to help and being shot down for malicious intent.

I would appreciate if someone at least make it clear what they expect to be treated, instead of angrily accusing someone of not helping.

When I was quarantined at Travis, following the cruise to Hawaii, I had several panic attacks. My wife told me to calm down, and I nodded that she was right, but that I was unable to. I eventually put on my ear buds, and let my music sooth me.
Getting snippy with my wife would have made no sense. I knew it was my problem, and I wanted to calm down.

@Mimishu1995 “I would appreciate if someone at least make it clear what they expect to be treated”

In the midst of panicking? Because if so, that’s an irrational expectation (as is doing something you know to be counterproductive and expecting to be thanked for it).

@Mimishu1995 I guess a reasonable person would, but you’re ignoring the person (from your point of view) is actually being unreasonable.

Another thing to consider is most of how we react to things are learned responses we’ve perfected through years of practice. It’s unlikely a person will instantly change that learned response. They don’t expect to be panicking. They probably have no idea the cause of their panic, so it’s highly unlikely whatever explanation they offer concerning how they want to be treated in those situation will meet your satisfaction.

I recently reconciled with my ex-wife. During the 40 years we’ve been apart she’s gone through some…things. She has anxiety attacks. Early on we went to the supermarket together. I drifted over to another aisle. She couldn’t see me.

She panicked.

She doesn’t panic anymore in those situations. She had to learn that not immediately seeing me didnt mean she was being left or abandoned.

Telling her not to panic wasn’t enough. I found that the less I said and the more I demonstrated her fears were unfounded, the less likely she’d panic in similar situations.

I think for a lot of people who are panicking a person telling them to calm down feels dismissive and condescending. I think a common reaction would be for the panicked person to become angry.

It partly depends on who is saying it. Is it someone who is supportive and understanding of the persons feelings? Or, someone who seems to be saying the panicked person is somehow acting crazy or a drama queen.

Calm down gets used as a tool.
Who decides whether panic is warranted?
For me, a spider under my chair is a big deal. If I get bit, I have to go to the hospital. I’m allergic.

I don’t like pickles, but if I went crazy over finding a pickle slice on my sandwich, that would be excessive. It poses no threat to me.
If I were pickle phobic, then the risk of harm is there, because my fear can cause harm to the stability of my health.

Someone who is panicking is, by definition, not in control of their emotions. Telling them to “calm down” is going to be (a) rude and (b) completely useless. It’s like telling someone with a broken leg to “just get up and walk”.

They are not getting angry because they’re a special snowflake. They are getting angry because they are in the middle of a crisis.

@Patty_Melt check your pm…

@All after some time of thinking, I think my problem isn’t with the matter isn’t about whether to tell people to calm down. It’s actually because I had a personal problem with someone and it may have nothing to do with whether to say calm down or not. It involved someone in my family so I was rather emotional when I wrote this question.

So now that I have calmed down, thank you for the discussion, and sorry for coming off as an asshole. This is the most stupid question I have asked for a long time. Now I wish I could delete this question…

@Mimishu1995 Now that you’ve discovered the root of the problem, you can figure out ways to resolve it amicably. Good luck :)

I think this was a good question. It brings out varying perceptions, and character, and how sometimes they are simply going to collide, with no ill intent.

Good discussion, honest.

There’s no stupid questions.
You wrote it, as you stated, while emotional, and that made it that you worded it wrong/different from how you would have, had you been less emotional.
Now what happened is that through you (r question), some people who might had a similar mindset (as yours, in your emotions ridden case/question), having read the responses, will possibly contemplate their potential reaction, and decide to change it.
I used to be someone who could say “calm down”.
It took me some time to see that that didn’t work and that it’s better to try and be the calming factor for them.

Probably not. I would be too busy panicking. And they would get run over.

It really depends on the situation. Once we were at a pavilion at a park. Rick’s daughter spied the tiniest spider you can imagine walking toward her. She screamed bloody murder and went into full blown panic mode.
I lost my temper and snapped “What do think he’s going to do to you??”
Thar logic calmed her down and she smiled sheepishly.
I kept stomping toward the little guy to change his course.
Rick tends to.do the same thing. If a wasp starts buzzing around he waves his hands wildly. Dude, that will get you stung.
I had a wasp land on my arm yesterday. We just looked at each other. After a couple of seconds he realized I wasn’t as hot as he thought I was and flew off.

I get annoyed when told to ‘calm down’ when I am anxious or panicking. I understand they A) might be trying to help or B) just don’t want to deal with my shit, but it’s really not helpful.

That said, I have also been guilty of telling someone to ‘calm down’. I try to be more thoughtful, but it can be a knee-jerk reaction.

And when I say “they” and “someone”…it’s code for “my wife”.

I think it depends on the delivery?

Sometimes it can be helpful if they are in the right mindset. And they feel like it’s coming from a place of support. Other times it can have the opposite effect. And they could feel like you’re being dismissive.

Putting that aside though, there’s that old saying. You can’t control what other people do. You can only control what you do.

In this case, what you have control over is how you frame your approach. Not just choosing what you’re doing. But why you’re doing it.

If you approach it as: I am a good person, doing a good thing. You’re more likely to expect the outcome as I am a good person doing a good thing. People should respond to my efforts in a good way.

It might be helpful to shift from you to them. Perhaps try: I am going to do my best to help them. In which case, if they don’t respond well to you telling them to calm down, there is less judgement. That method didn’t work. Move on to something else. Focus on your goal, which is to make them feel better. It’s not about you. :)

Hope that makes sense?

When I worked at the ambulance never said “Calm down” – no matter how much I wanted to.
It depended upon the situation but I actually said things like.
– We’ve got this.
– I know you’re scared – I am, too.
– Those pills won’t kill you but you will be constipated for a week.
– Your motorcycle is ok.
– Want me to call your Mom?
– Please, can you be quiet for a minute? I can’t hear the radio.
...

“Please, can you be quiet for a minute? I can’t hear the radio.”

@LuckyGuy: I am going to use this next time my wife is upset. It might not calm her down, but it will confuse her long enough for me to get in close and give her a hug — because there is no radio.

(ever)

Just to riff off that popular meme…

The next time your wife is upset, drape a towel over her shoulders like a cape and declare “Now you’re SUPER UPSET!!”

Maybe she’ll laugh.
Maybe you’ll die.

I don’t panic easily. But one evening I was home alone. Rick was 90 miles away in Salina.
The weather here turned a special kind of freaky that I hadn’t experienced before. I was pretty sure a tornado was bearing down on the house.
I put my shoes on and sat at the top of our cellar steps.
I called Rick to tell him what was happening. I was terrified. My voice was shaking. He HAD to have heard it in my voice.
He got all condensending, told me nothing was happening in Winfield because there was nothing about it on the Weather Channel.
He was basically patting me on the head like a hysterical child.
I screamed ”I’m telling you I’m about to get hit by a tornado!!!”
He just chuckled and told me there was nothing to worry about.
I hung up on him.
He called back and I disconnected the call.
Then the wind hit the house like a giant had punched it. It shook the house. Then the electricity went out. I never did make the jump to the dirt cellar (it’s haunted. Just ask the kids.)
Then it passed. I went into the dark living room and looked around.
Then the lights came back on.
Then the tornado sirens went off (SMH.)
Then the phone rang. It was Rick, in a panic of his own.
“They’re saying multiple touch downs in Winfield!!!”
I screamed ”No fucking shit!!!” and hung up the phone again.
I ignored his calls the rest of the night.
I sure missed the old dial phones that dinged when you slammed the receiver down!!
So yeah. He pissed me off by basically telling me to calm down when I was getting ready to die!

I sure missed the old dial phones that dinged when you slammed the receiver down!!

Ha!

You know they felt the blow at their end!

Yeah…tapping “end call” just doesn’t have the same effect.

No matter how hard you stab it!

I’m glad something good comes from a question I’m not proud of :)

I’m pleased to see how many supportive husbands here want to help their panic stricken wives.

It has been a good thread.

For someone who lives with or is with someone a lot who suffers panic regularly, should maybe get or make a wand they can keep handy, and…

https://youtu.be/doxxfXqpKYA

Ask them to slow there breathing.
Or you slow yours as an example.
Ask them what they need right now.
Use a clam reassuring voice.

Men get panic attacks too @PattyMelt. Can you get any more stereotypical?

@Dutchess_III

I can personally attest to that.

As you may know, it was male-panic-driven selling that caused the 1929 stock market crash, which led to the Great Depression.

(New reply after re-reading the question.)

Would (I) be angry if someone told (me) to calm down while (I) was panicking?

I’d like to believe I wouldn’t be angry, but since I’ve never experienced this situation I have no idea how I might react.

Telling someone to “calm down” will inevitably have the opposite outcome. So often, people in movies and TV shows use that phrase, to desired effect. Real life is very different. Saying “calm down” is condescending and dismissive, deserving an angry response.

In the above story I told, I guess I woulda killed Rick if I could get my hands around his neck. I guess that means I was angry.

@cookieman Our radio speaker/mic PTT (push to talk) unit clipped onto our collars.
If the person was yelling or violent it really was difficult to hear.

That line “Please, can you be quiet for a minute? I can’t hear the radio.” was absolutely true. And the victim/patient always knew it! If they wanted speedy, efficient service they needed to STFU and let me talk to the hospital so I can transfer the required info and get them admitted.

I once told someone: “Hey… Hey… Look at me. Can you do me a favor? I need to make this call for you. Can you please be quiet for one minute? After that you can panic all you want.”

Also sometimes if someone was over-the-top wild I would say something like. “OK, You’re an adult. I’ll leave you here if that is what you want. Can you just sign this release form so I can go back to bed? I have to get up in the morning.”
That often shocked them back to reality.

Depends on your relationship to the person. If it was my boss I would say no. If it was my kid I would definitely say yes.

Remember the pet chimp that ripped the lady’s face off? I heard the 911 call and the operator couldn’t seem to comprehend what the woman was screaming and he kept telling her to calm down and explain. The chimp was actively attacking the other woman during the call.
She had to repeat herself 7 times, at least.
“He’s killing her!!! Send someone now please!!!!”
“Calm down. Who is killing who?”
On and on and on with the “Calm down” shit. Get someone over there even if you don’t understand precisely what is happening!
I was so enraged after that call I couldn’t even spit.

Telling somebody to calm down is minimizing the situation for them. It might not seem so to others, but to the person who’s panicking it’s disrespectful.