It sounds like she is ignoring your committment to your club and thinks you should be at the wedding.
$12k is a pretty hefty wedding gift, so she sounds a little unreasonable.
But the sibling dynamic is foreign to me, maybe call and talk it out?

I’d think my sister is an immature drama queen who wants the attention more than an actual conversation.

I could see her being a smidge disappointed, but only to chat about it and let you know how she feels.

Plus, the 12K would go a long way to making me feel better if I were her.

Plus plus, if her son is fine with it, what’s her beef?

Fuck her. I’d give her a nice long cooling off period.

I think it’s clear why you offended her since she asked about you coming to the reception. But offended is a harsh and cold word; why didn’t she say she was hurt? And why not talk it out with you instead of posting on FB? Very childish behavior!

Nevertheless, she is your sister and she is hurt. Maybe you could send one email offering to talk it out and explaining you commitment. After that, if she continues to be in a snit, I would leave her alone until she makes a move.

She expects you to figure it out. This is a mind game so many people play on others. Just ignore her and give her space until she decides to divulge this “secret offense.”

I like the cooling off idea.
I’m afraid to call her on the phone. I’ve always been afraid of her. She’s 3 years older than me and was mostly mean to me as a kid always being one step ahead of me and making sure that I knew it. As an adult I’m far more successful than her. Perhaps me being so generous with her Son is like me rubbing her nose in my success (in her mind).

@kritiper You are right. She is playing a game with me. I don’t play games. I learned early that I always lose.

^In that case, I would just stay away from her. Just because they are your relatives doesn’t give them the right to treat you badly nor should you have to put up with their shit.

I agree. Just back away.

God I hate weddings. They should be outlawed.

I have wicked thought. Reply to her Facebook post and say what you said here!

It’s not much of a guessing game because it seems pretty obvious why she’s pissed. (Because you’re going to a surfing event instead of the wedding).

But her reaction is a bit much. What’s with the weird passive-aggressive Facebook post? I’d just ignore her, until she decides to start acting like an adult.

Have fun at your surfing event!

@Dutchess_III I could never embarrass her or hurt her intentionally in any way. Too bad that she doesn’t feel the same about me. I feel sorry for her.

If she really wanted you to go to the wedding, she should have made sure it was on a date when you were free. It seems that wasn’t a consideration. Perhaps you should be offended that you were overlooked.

@gondwanalon I think my question for my sister would bf “How did I offend you?” And,
family is so important I think I might just apologise for whatever, however I may have offended her.

For $12k, you could offend the fuck out of me, and we’d be good.

@filmfann You can even call my mama names and walk away smirking for that. :D

For 12K, when the officiant gets to the “Does anyone have a reason why these two should not marry, speak now or forever hold your peace” part — I’d be fine with you raising your hand.

I obviously don’t know any of the parties involved so take my best guess with a healthy grain of salt. Perhaps she interprets your generous gift as a dismissal of the importance of being a family at important life event in her life. Like the dad who is never there, but buys the kid a nice car kind of thing. I’m certainly NOT saying she’s CORRECT in this interpretation, but it may FEEL like that to her. Thus the word “offended.”

I certainly would be incredibly grateful if I had an uncle who gave my wife and I such a generous wedding gift, and I would certainly understand the reasoning behind the absence. If anything I might feel guilty for not being able to work the wedding schedule around their availability—if that were the case.

I’d think, “Wait, I have a sister?”

If I were you in that exchange, the way I read what you wrote, anyway, I would think that she was telling me that she (in the first two sentences above) that she is offended that you would not change your plans to come to her son’s wedding reception dinner.

I would think that she did tell you, and that if you are thinking she didn’t tell you, or saying that, and responding to this by questioning her sanity, then those things probably also have something to do with her reaction here.

I would also think back to my whole relationship with her to think if there were not many other reasons or patterns of behavior that are more what her feelings are about, and that this would just be the last straw for her.

I didn’t read any other answers.

It seems obvious to me why she’s offended, she thinks you should put family before canoes.

You probably have seen me write on other Q’s that people with a lot of shoulds usually have a lot of anger problems and I’ve also called it old world thinking. I don’t know if your sister has a lot of these situations, but weddings are high on the list of people having a lot of expectations.

Maybe they should have consulted with you about the date of the event if you are an important person to have in attendance. You could just have easily have said, “you know it’s important to me to be there, why didn’t you include me in on the decision of the date?” You can be offended too.

If she chooses to be angry let her. These sorts of things are ridiculous when it splits up families.

I would say if you do really want to go ask if someone can take care of your canoe responsibility. People might want to help. If you feel it simply can’t be changed then as long as your nephew is ok with it, don’t worry about it.

She probably enjoys thinking you are horrible, it makes her feel better about herself.

Offend me! Offend me!

If you had a commitment to your club, stick to it..all I can say is try to be the bigger person and let bygones be bygones. Tell her you’re sorry but it’s a commitment you can’t break. I’ve gone thru a lot of BS with my own two sisters lately, but I think I’ve managed to make peace with them. Family drama isn’t worth stressing about. And I agree, what she did to you is childish. Some people never grow the F up.

@JLeslie, @si3tech and everyone else. I don’t know why my Sister is offended by me. She won’t say why? In her fb post she wrote (in huge bold letters), “I am offended, (my name)”, I wrote, “Why are you offended?”. No reply.
I only guess what I did to offend her. You all might by right. I don’t know. I can’t read information that my Sister refuses to write, nor can I read minds. But I suspect that this is all part of her game. The guessing game. Like I said above, I don’t go there. So I’m going surfing.

Thanks a lot for all of your ideas and thoughtfulness. Very helpful.

@gondwanalon My inlaws get offended and also use the silent treatment bullshit. It’s passive aggressive.

I lean towards letting her sulk if she is like my inlaws. Maybe she isn’t so extreme. If she doesn’t want to respond or clear the air that’s on her. My inlaws won’t clear the air, you have to wait until they are ready to put it behind them, and nothing is discussed, they just start acting semi normal again. It can take 5, 10, 20 years! They need the control.

Hopefully your system hasn’t infected her children with that behavior.

I hate when people air their drama and bullshit on Facebook, even in vague posts. It’s definitely passive aggressive and it accomplishes very little, except maybe making the person posting feel better.

As for her being offended, I agree, “fuck her.” It’s really between the OP and the bride and groom, and if they’re ok with it and understanding of the scheduling conflict, then that should make it ok. I would think the 12k gift would sweeten the deal, and some might say that money is not a substitute for the OP’s presence, but that amount of money sure should help and says something about his being invested (figuratively) in the family.

If Sis isn’t willing to talk about it, and just wants to post her shit on FB, then let her and hopefully it makes her feel like the bigger person (which I say sarcastically because to me it’s indicative of a small person).

^^^ you go!!

”“I am offended (my full name bold type underlined)”.
My reply would be..I am offended too..so I cancelled that check.
Now you have a real reson to be offended.( mention how shitty she treated you in the past)

Sorry, the second you said $12,000 gift to a person you didn’t want to change plans to spend their wedding with, that I realized I had zero reference points. Maybe the money was too much, and caused feelings you weren’t expecting? It’s pretty easy to be offended by a huge gift, especially if you aren’t the one getting it. It’s just a guess, but the 12K is easily the most eye-popping thing in your question.

You know her a lot better than we do, and if she won’t tell you, you’ve got a better idea than us of why. I can just point out that it sounds like an ancient sibling battle, regurgitated by the stress of weddings and money.