I want to see how everything turns out. From science and discoveries. To having astronauts living on Mars.
I’m trapped in a time loop on so killing myself never worked. I am forced to continue watching and living.

I know that it sounds like a useless phrase, but I recommend calling your local suicide hotline or go to an emergency hospital. If anonymous over the phone you can tell everything.

I did and I was put on disability and given the time to recover from life.

I chose to self harm instead. I am just looking for reasons to help me.

Maybe one reason is trees and nature.

I’m very sorry to hear that.

For me, just off the top of my head:
For love and loved ones.
To assist, help and do good for things I care about.
To do creative work.
To read and enjoy things and be happy and share happiness.
Because it’s interesting.
Because I’m mostly comfortable and enjoy most experiences in one way or another.
Because many people seem to like and care about me, and to appreciate what I do.
Because I love most of the living and unliving things in the world, and feel a connection to them that I enjoy.
To share insights and things I’ve learned.
To tell wrong people on the Internet about how they’re wrong. ;-)
To enjoy the company of cats, especially.

Going through a bit of a dark patch?
I want to be here for Mrs Squeeky.
My snarky side thinks I have a
lot more people to piss off before I cash out.

Rough patch? yeah.

Just gave up but won’t kill myself. Just not making an effort anymore.

I want to know how this Covid thing turns out. I want to know who killed Jon Benet Ramsey
But most of all, I know any problems I have today will be less problematic in a few days. I think you may need to talk to a therapist to help you through the dark times you are going through. Good luck.

I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I’m very glad you’re not dead.

I’ve been in the black pit where no light shines and desperately wanted to die. I am so glad I didn’t. That was 18 years ago. I would have missed seeing my children grow into wonderful adults. There have been good times and bad times in these 18 years. The most important thing that happened was my recovery from mental illness.

Death by suicide doesn’t stop the problem. I don’t have the answer to your troubles. I’m sorry.

Sorry things seem so dim. My dad committed suicide and it was sad because the things he was depressed about were things that could be overcome. He just didn’t see how while he was in the middle of it.

As for things that give me a reason for living, that’s easy. Life is a wonderful ride, a roller coaster. It has ups that take me heights I could not imagine and downs that seem so low, but they always go back up. It spins me hard on the curves and puts a smile on my face with the speed. Holding my seat isn’t always easy, but I would go to the front of the line again in a heartbeat. The excitement that comes with the ride, the fear of the unknown and the excitement of rushing to meet it all play into it.

If you are looking for specific items I can look around my life and find thousands of things that I am very glad I experienced and am looking forward to many more. I met my wife. I’ve had great kids. I’ve had success in my career. I’ve met wonderful people and made life-long friends. I am up before the dawn and get to see a sky full of bright stars. My dog is always happy to see me. My eyesight is good, my hearing is good, I get to cook and taste good food. The list goes on and on.

Those are good reasons.

I am not strong enough to overcome these. But I can try on a therapist

Here’s a little thing for you. Us. You obviously have invested enough here that you keep coming back. Sometimes we don’t agree, sometimes we do, and I know that I, for one, have enjoyed watching you explore new ideas and shift your perspective.

In the grand scheme of things, we are a spot in your day, but one that makes you feel stuff. We are names that you recognize, with points of view that may exasperate you, but you are part of us now. “Fluther” is a word for a specific type of collection, and you are a piece of it.

I went through some deeply dark times when I was about your age, but I had a dog I loved, and I had a responsibility to him. Then there were better times, and worse times, and I’m still here.

And I always have at least one dog.

You guys do mean a lot to me, I do feel welcome here.

Keep breathing Queen. Good things can happen when you do ;)

For me the answer to living is not really knowing why, it’s about finding out. I need more time for that.

Maybe you do too.

To witness history in the making!

Listen, you have to stick around the lagoon. Someday you’ll get promoted to CaptainQueen, the MajorQueen, and who knows?! I could easily see you as AdmiralQueen.

I joke but really, isn’t humor worth sticking around for? And cookies? I mean fuck…what if there’s no cookies in the afterlife? That would suck.

Nope. Stay here. Eat all the cookies while you can.

Don’t be dead, @SQ. As they say, that’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Right now you have an infinity of possibilities ahead of you. Death is the end of possibilities. Don’t go there before you have to.

If trees and nature mean something special to you, by all means go and sit by a tree and just breathe in and out.

As for me, I don’t know if I have reasons as such, but I do have questions. Beyond every question, there’s another question. For me, questions are a vital force. As long as I stick around, I’ll be asking them. And sometimes I think they’re what keeps me going, much more than any idea of purpose or obligation.

Hi. Me again. I’m guessing you don’t want anything to do with me since you never answered my tarot question and I apparently touched a nerve in your post about tolerance to benadryl. I don’t even know why I’m sharing with you again because the post I wrote about my years of drug/alcohol abuse…well, it just kind of reminded me of how fucked up my life has been at times. It put it right in my face again and I cried as I was writing it.

So here’s another personal account. 42 years ago I attempted suicide. I was 23. Even after getting my stomach pumped I was in a coma for 3 days. The doctors told my family they didn’t think I would live. When they determined that I might, they told them I probably wouldn’t be ‘normal’. I have no memory of the event after I took the pills and fell asleep, until 4 days later when I awoke to a doctor yelling right in my face. When I opened my eyes he straightened up, smiled, and said to my parents, “She’s back with us.”

It’s not that I wanted to die, it’s just that I didn’t want to live, feeling the way I did. Depression is painful. It’s always with you, even in the moments when you’re with friends and are able to laugh. It can be made much worse by using drugs and alcohol – alcohol because it’s a central nervous system depressant, and drugs because they mess with the chemicals that make your brain work. But there are also drugs that make your brain work better, that help the chemicals in your brain that are out of balance.

My brother and I lived together in a duplex, and when I didn’t show up for work that day, they called my house. My brother found me unresponsive and called an ambulance. I’m glad he did or I wouldn’t be here typing to you and trying to give you hope. Ironically, 12 years ago he succeeded at suicide. I wasn’t even in the same state. I guess he had his reasons for not calling me, but it just feels wrong that he saved me and I couldn’t even help him.

I don’t know what else to say. Suicide rids you of your problems, yeah. But it also rids you of everything and anything good that could ever happen to you. It’s not always successful. There are people living today who shot themselves in the head and didn’t die – just ruined their brains. I’m lucky that I’m relatively normal – what’s normal anyway, right?

My best advice, though you didn’t ask for it, is find a therapist you can talk to. There are free ones or those who charge using a sliding scale based on your income. Work on telling those negative thoughts to shut the fuck up, and instead think about what you’re passionate about and focus on that. Write down your thoughts and feelings, or draw them. If the suicidal thoughts get bad, tell yourself you won’t do anything until you tell someone. And then tell someone! Check out https://afsp.org

I’m sorry this turned out so long. I hope you get something good out of it. Peace.

I live for my wife. If she were to pass, my life wouldn’t be worth a plug nickel.

Everyone you can think of. It is the greatest of gifts.

Dying sucks and there is no do-over. I find that life has its sucky moments and its great times. There is often a lot of waiting in between them both. Everybody has those moments where you feel you are just wasting time, but that’s the time to shine. That’s the time to pick yourself up and change things. The wonderful thing about life is that we all have the ability to re-invent ourselves. I thrive on challenges, so when I feel really low, I get super annoyed with myself and find something to do that can enhance my current dilemma.

I take up a new hobby, or I just don’t concentrate on me for a while and help someone else through their hump. I think of all the things I would miss. Of course, I’ll be dead so I won’t miss anything but why not draw out my days as long as I can so I can enjoy it longer.
And I remind myself that today is just one day of many and there will be joy in many of the days to come if I open myself to recieving that joy.

For you obviously, it’s your family. So spend more time with them. Keep busy.
Hell even my enemies give me the desire to live. I must outlive them all so I can see karma rain upon their heads. I would never deny myself that joy on purpose.
And as you said. Its pain you would leave with the living.
Even though people understand depression they will always feel guilty. Did I say or do something. Or did I really matter that little to them. And both pains can be unbearable for some. Especially is they too suffer from depression. Then they have an increase odds of killing themselves at some point as well.
Suicide is the gift that keeps giving through generations.

I promised my husband as he was dying that I would be okay and that I would take care of our kitty.

@smudges you never upset me and I didn’t see your question? I have been out of the house for a while and my cards are still at home.

Edit: I just looked, when I last posted in the thread sharing my deck I was already out camping.

So not ignoring I promise!

Just keep swimming. There is a shore up ahead even if you can’t see it.

Life is a precious miracle. We’re here for a tiny amount of time. Every minute is a gift.

You may find this of interest. Psychedelics have been shown to be effective in treating depression and ketamine has been approved of by the FDA. I have read the book mentioned in the article, Michael Pollan’s How to Change Your Mind. It makes for interesting reading and I recommend it to everyone.

Because, against unfathomable odds, I am alive and don’t want to waste it.

@SergeantQueen So glad to hear it, really!

Because I want to find out what happens.

I experienced a dark time in my life over a decade ago. At the time, all I could see was darkness all around me. I couldn’t experience joy (anhedonia). I could be eating a piece of my favorite pie, watching my favorite movie and it was completely joyless. I was worried that I’d somehow permanently “fried” my neurotransmitter circuitry for joy. I remember wondering if life would be worth living without ever experiencing joy again.

It took over a year, but eventually I got through it. I can and do experience joy again (often). Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It’s irreversible and the world is a better place with you in it. Never forget that.

@smudges
When I click your site, “http://https//afsp.org”
I get an error

@SergeantQueen Yeah, it did for me too. Try this:

https://afsp.org/

Thank you!

@SergeantQueen Just checking in…How’re you doing? Things going okay for now?

No but I am hanging in there.

Good. Focus on things in your life that are blessings. Everyone has something, even if it is as mundane as a roof over your head.