Ghost hugs

I am not the most mentally stable person here but I am always available if you need to rant.

You are never asking for too much when you are asking for support. Remember that.

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Hi Annie,
I think you are not asking (too) much from your siblings, and possible other family members, or friends.
I’m a bit surprised, astonished, that you haven’t received much help so far.
And I’m talking mostly emotional help.
That’s what people who are grieving long the most for.
Asking for it, like you did, should actually not be necessary, in an ideal world.
Someone that comes to drink a coffee or a tea with you, and that just listens to what’s on your mind, at that specific moment in time, is worth everything; it can give you hope (that better, easier, lighter times will come again (and they will)).
Of course we don’t know each other (very well), and I haven’t reached out to you (before), but I want to tell you that I would hug you right now, were I there.
Because I feel you’re hurting.
Besides being strong, I urge you also to be ‘weak’ (that is, how it was seen in the past when someone showed their emotions (that were sometimes being seen as a weakness)); let your raw emotions out, when alone, and also when in company.
There’s no need (and surely no benefit) to appear “strong” all the time.
Hug

Oh, Sweetie, I have no idea how to help, but we listen and care, here. If we are on the site, it’s to be with you and send virtual hugs.
I wish I could help more tangibly, take you to meetings and stuff, have an indulgent take-out event, but the virtual hugs are the best I can do for now.

Thinking about you. <3

Great big virtual hug.

You are not asking for too much help. I’m sorry your siblings were unavailable to view the rental with you, and I’m thrilled you found the strength to view the it on your own. Ideally, you would have help with you at every step. Realistically, you’re going to have to ask for help over and over again. You’ll have to be prepared for getting the help sometimes and not getting it at other times. Don’t stop asking for help.

Thank you for asking this question today. We can’t go to your house to hug you, but we can cheer you on from afar.

(((((((hugs)))))) from across the water. I can’t be there, but if you like why not describe your house hunting experiences. Perhaps somebody here can offer advice

I wish I had more of a solution or way to help IRL but you have my support and caring. To share a bit, I was shocked by how little my family helped me when I broke my ankle a few years ago and had to stay at a family member’s house. I was told that “two weeks” was their limit and many other snide things. Luckily, when I finally could fly home, I did have many friends who rallied around.

In terms of one idea for part of your hurting, would it be possible to invite someone from one your therapy groups to have coffee or a meal together? Or is that verboten? I’ve made some really good friends over the years from groups.

Also, you might look on meetup.com for a bereavement group and find some solace and friendship there.

Sending a big hug! I know that Darth would be so sad that you are facing all this.

One other thought – we could help you weigh practical decisions such as the pros and cons of the apartment you found. After all “we’re all experts here” (even though some are less expert than they think) and we might be able to help.

Oh no. Yes. Please reach out to us, and we’ll all try to help. I’m so sorry, and I miss Darth as well.

I bet he’d be proud of you for being so strong, and asking for help when you need it. You absolutely deserve to get support. You are in one of the most difficult situations a human can be in.

You asked for advice…you said your siblings are busy, but they love you. That’s good. Sometimes, people just get caught up in their lives and truly forget how grief feels. Or maybe they have never felt a loss this big. It’s also possible they all assume you’re getting support from sibling X, or that you’re fine because they don’t see you break down.

Can you make a list? Write down what you think you need?

1) I’d like a visit just to chat every couple of days.
2) I need someone to go see rentals with me every Saturday.
3) etc.

Then send that to your favourite or most organized sibling along with what you said in the details?

We really don’t know each other annie, but I’m so sorry you’re hurting this way. If I were there I could probably help with some of the rental/moving arrangements, and I’m a really good hugger too ;)

But what I hear you saying here is that what you need most is time together with someone you know and love. That makes sense and it’s probably what will be best to help you heal, but it’s just not easy to get online. I think asking the way you are is important though, and it’s a good sign that you’ll find your way through this.

Like everyone else, I’m on your side, and I’ll always listen. Share as much as you want whenever you want.

Take care.

Oh Annie… I am so sorry you are going through this.
(((U))) Hugs
Would you be willing to give us a hint where you live? Obviously not your address just a general idea. With a little PM someone from here might be able to assist you.
You and Darth are loved and I’m willing to bet someone close would be honored to help in any way. Really!
Hugs (((U)))

Darth was a great man. He was the only one who believed I saw Albert Einstein in real life, and he was right.

I’d be happy to help if I can. I’m not sure how that would be. It sounds like you are doing the right sorts of things, and it’s mainly a hard situation.

Let us know how we might be able to help, as things occur to you.

Are you still trying to choose what to do about the appartment?

I’m rooting for you!

I’m happy to offer a virtual hug and tell you that you aren’t alone, though it may feel that way for some time. Try to take it one day at a time so you don’t feel overwhelmed and if you have a rough day, just don’t mess with any of it.

Some people just need to be told in black and white: I need your help right now.

Did Darth have friends or family who may be willing to help that you are comfortable with?

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ Annie.

Annie…I’m so sorry you have to go through this seemingly alone.
There are lots of us here to listen. Hugs

(((((((((HUG)))))))))

I am so sorry for your struggles. It seems you are trying a bit too hard not to be a burden and look strong in your family’s eyes. How about realizing that feeling weak is nothing to feel ashamed of. We are all human. We suffer and need help through the suffering. Sometimes it’s hard to ask those we love for help because it’s awkward to say it out loud. So write it as you did here. Let them know you need their help and what they can do to help.

People sometimes can see others struggle but are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and they may avoid subjects they think could upset you. So they won’t confront your false bravado. You have to be clear in what you need. Guessing what you need is a crapshoot. Tell them exactly how they can help till you feel like your old self.

Now on the front of apartments, if you let me know what you want and where you are looking and how much, I can help you look. Just PM me the details.
Exactly what is the problem with the current place you selected. Also if you haven’t moved in yet you can usually get your deposit unless they already gave you the key and you signed a lease and paid the first month rent.

Oh, btw I don’t know if you are selling a home and downsizing . If so there is a company called Caring Transitions that can handle selling of a home and move and downsizing and storage and they can even help find you an apartment. They do a lot of retirees and downsizing. They handle the A-Z. They don’t do it all themselves but they have connections with a lot of different places and can get you better deals in moving. It’s a franchise individually owned by different people so if you go this route then make sure to vet the one in your location. I know someone who has one of the fanchises but he is a good person so I can only speak of my knowledge of his business.

Many thanks to all of you. You don’t even know what a light in the dark you have been. As far as my family goes, they know how bad things are for me. Or at least did. A couple of months ago I had a terrible meltdown. I called all three local siblings sobbing. Two of them came over. This came right after I got the letter than I was going to receive the section 8 help. This voucher gives me sixty days to find housing within their help. I was not and am not ready to leave my home.

They promised me they would help me find a place to live and pack etc. To be fair my brother has offered to hire movers for me. And he really has physically been there for me. I mean for him, he has done a lot. He came to visit me 3 times in the past 5 months and drove me back and forth to the wedding, having me spend the night in between. He is a four hour round trip car drive away, so that is a lot for him.

My sister has a lot of health problems and works full time. She lives an hour away She has come out twice since Darth died five months ago.

My oldest sister’s ex-husband/best friend just died a couple weeks ago and she works like sixty hours a week. Always busy.

So, they do know. My one sister especially knows my perils with the dental work. I have talked to her extensively about it.

As for the housing. I have not signed a thing or given up any money, so nothing is lost there. Just the fact that my family is going to wonder what is wrong with me that my “dream home” suddenly isn’t right for me. My brother who wants to help me with moving has to back down down to Texas soon. He lives down there half the year due to work. (I live in Illinois, as do he and my other two sisters). And where I am renting now is eating into my small savings and the rent will go back up in March. (my landlady kindly took two hundred off when Darth died).

The place I looked at is a duplex (front and back of an old house). Things I love about it: It’s got a huge yard with lots of trees and wildlife. It’s very natural looking. There aren’t neighbors right on top of it. The neighborhood seems quite nice and kept up. (right now I have a shitty apartment complex that is right behind me). There is a porch of my own. There is no garage but I can park right up next to the door. There is a pretty good amount of room with a pretty good amount of storage space. The upstairs is one huge room with that is right under the roof so it has that slanted attic look that I have always wanted. And it’s just, a neat looking old house. It has character. It is not a cookie cutter boxed apartment in a claustrophobic community.

The problems with the place? Well, the huge upstairs room only has one small window. Like if there was a fire there is no way I could get out. The stairs are like wooden slats with space in between them. It’s hard to explain, but I don’t feel comfortable with them. And I worry about my 14 year old blind cat on them. Yes, I know, she is a cat, but she has lived where I am now for almost her entire life. I don’t want her falling down those stairs.

Also, section 8 does an inspection before I can sign the lease. That made me feel safer until I looked at the fine print and realized there are a ton of loop holes.

I am not going to rent that place. I don’t know how anything is going to go down. But, I am just not. Even if I end up in a cookie cutter apartment complex. For right now, I have to stay right where I am. This house and my kitty are what is keeping me alive right now.

Thursday is Darth’s birthday and that is not helping anything. I miss him so damn much. He was everything to me He was an amazing husband and an amazing human being.

Yeah, I’m all about windows. One window up in Illinois in the winter would be a nightmare. Yeah, keep looking and just tell your relatives that you were eager to start fresh somewhere else and loved the house and still do but you didn’t consider the lack of natural light will just feel depressing, especially in the winter. I’ve moved a ton. Finding a home is like falling in love. You fall in love with a place if it has a lot of things the previous ex was missing (apartment or home) but then later you go home and think about it and think, Nah, its not going to work. I almost bought a condo because it had all the bells and whistles. But it had all the windows on one side only. I knew I couldn’t live with that. I need to be able to open windows and have a cross breeze. And the window was facing southwest, which meant I would only see the sun as it was setting in the winter. My plants would be miserable.and so would I. So glad I backed out of it. I ended up buying a town home with plenty of natural light and skylights to boot.
Sounds to me your family will understand. Take your brother up on the movers. Trust me when I say, it is so worth it.

We are here for you!

I completely understand wanting people to be with you. Five months is a short time for such a huge loss. It’s often hard for friends and family to have the time or stamina to consistently be there for the length of time someone is acutely grieving for such a significant loss. If they can’t visit definitely reach out to them by phone or face time. Let them know what you need. It sounds like they love you very much and have been helpful. Maybe call some old friends who you haven’t talked to in a while.

Also, there usually are support groups in communities for people who have lost a spouse. I know a few people who have attended them and found them very helpful. Maybe something like that would be helpful? There might be virtual options if getting to a group in your location is difficult. You could try it and if it’s not a good fit go on to another or just drop it altogether.

Moving is extremely stressful. It is one of the most stressful things to do, and you are doing it during a time of grief and alone when you are used to being a couple. Moving has it’s own elements of mourning even when everything else in life is good. Leaving a place you are accustomed to is difficult. Going into a new unknown situation, wondering if you will be content there, just making decisions like that can be anxiety provoking. Once you do get settled hopefully you will feel some relief.

I think it makes sense to go for something that is safe and easy right now, even if it is not the style of house or apartment you ideally like. After the lease is up will section 8 let you move again if you want to? Maybe it won’t need to feel so perfect if you know eventually you can change it if something better comes up in the future.

Once you move in with your things, anywhere you choose will feel more like home, but I understand wanting a certain style or space when looking for housing, I am the same way. It takes a lot of effort to look for a place to live, and being in mourning zaps our physical and mental strength making everything harder, so everything you have done so far is to be applauded. If your brother is able to help you move that’s great! Hopefully, that timing works out. Let him help you.

Let us know how things are going. You can always come to the collective for some jelly hugs and understanding.

Thankfully, yes, I can keep using section 8 through different moves. I just have to make sure my first lease is for a year. I can also put some things in storage for now and hopefully find a bigger place or one with more storage later. It’s just that the thought of having to move again so soon is agonizing. I was hoping to find a more permanent place right away.

As for grief groups, I do go to a virtual one every Tuesday night, it helps a lot.

Annie,
Check out the resources available at www.griefshare.org. They will be able to help you understand your grief. There are people who have gone through all sorts of grief. Don’t let the “religious” tone turn you off. You can focus on the other stuff if you want. There are many aspects of grief, and each one is examined in turn.
My wife passed away exactly two years ago, I have attended many of their sessions, and they have helped me with my grief and come to a certain degree of peace. There are virtual sessions as well as in-person in some places.
All the best to you.

Oh, and if you are able to continue to live in your current place, then that is probably what you should do.
One of the things that the GriefShare folks talked about was NOT to make any major decisions for at least 2 years, like moving to another state, selling your stuff, quitting your job, getting into a “rebound” relationship, etc., until you recover mentally and feel that you are able to make good decisions with clarity.

Sorry to hear all that. If my wife were to pass, I’d be in the same boat. For the here and now, I’m about as useless to you as teats on a boar hog. But if I come into any real money, I’d be more than happy to send you a money order or cashiers check to help with your expenses, For real. But at this time, I’m so broke I can’t even pay attention. But things can change, stay tuned.

@anniereborn I understand that quandary of not wanting to possibly have to move twice and the incredible stress of trying to find a place that you feel you will love long term. Both have long term consequences and that sort of anticipation always does a number on me. I try more and more to worry less about the future and just move forward, but it’s very hard. I don’t know if you relate to that, I’m not assuming you experience like I do.

I’m guessing you feel you have to move to not lose the opportunity you have for section 8 help. Is there any way your current landlord can get approved for section 8? It would benefit both of you. She would be receiving more rent and have you who she knows is reliable. I wonder how long that process takes?

@anniereborn The Section 8 inspection is extremely thorough. The will not let you rent a place that is unsafe. Can you ask you current landlord if they will let you stay there with Section 8?

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@Hawaii_Jake I was wondering that myself. It would be the best way to solve one of her problems for now.

4 likes for HJ! Great idea. :)

Oh, my dear @anniereborn, you’re in Illinois, and I’m in Virginia. If there weren’t so many miles between us, I would treat you to a decadent meal this evening and spend hours listening to everything you have to say.

Grief is a lonely path. The people who love you may have sympathy and offer support, but nobody can take away your pain; only time can do that.

You’ve suffered the most profound loss, and it hasn’t been that long since your husband passed away. Please come to Fluther whenever you need to be heard. We truly care about you.

@anniereborn Can I ask a practical question? Why do you have to move now – is it be cause of finances?

@janbb Annie has just received her Section 8 voucher. She must find a rental place that will accept it within 60 days or lose the voucher and go back on the waiting list.

@Hawaii_Jake I understand that; I just don’t know if she can’t use it where she is now.

@janbb Nobody knows the answer to that question. It was asked above, and Annie has yet to answer. To qualify for Section 8, a person must be on a very small limited income, disabled, or elderly. It’s wonderful that she was able to receive the assistance so quickly. When I was on the program, I had to wait 3 years to receive the voucher.

@anniereborn: It would be worthwhile, if you want to, to ask your current landlord if he would be willing to accept Section 8. Then the paperwork can be started. I’m betting, (after working for the government for almost 30 years), that if an extension of your voucher was necessary due to the current landlord starting the paperwork to accept the voucher, that they could and would grant you an extension. What I’ve found, knowing how government works, is that when they want to accomodate people, they can and do find a way.

As I thought, extensions of the voucher are possible, as found in #6 on page 3 of 3. The request must be made in writing.

https://www.hud.gov/sites/documents/52646.PDF

@JLeslie: Ironically, you suggested it first.

@jca2 Yes, thanks for noticing. I guess it was missed by others. No big deal. I suggested the current landlord might be able to be approved, but I did not have the information you provided.

I should have thought to send this Q to you since you are our resident social services expert. I’m so glad you found the Q.

That’s such great information that maybe the expiration date can be extended!

I worked for S8 briefly in my long tenure as a government worker. One thing I learned (while working for Social Services) is that some people can be on the list for Section 8 for such a long time because the list itself is like a living thing. People that are in shelters or homeless go to the top of the list. People who are disabled go to the top of the list. Therefore, everyone else is pushed to the bottom (totally understandably – I’m not insulting the process at all). So someone who is in a DV shelter or a homeless shelter, especially with children, will move out with a voucher way faster than someone who is just applying because they’re low income. Someone who is disabled and needs a handicapped apartment is going to go to the top of the list too. A veteran, same thing. In the County I worked in, some people will be on the list for years and years, waiting.

My current landlord will not go through the section 8 process. This is a two bedroom unit. She says that she could get more to rent it out as that than as a section 8 to me. However, I suspect the real reason is that she would have to do a shit ton of work and spend a lot of money to get this place up to code. The second floor here doesn’t even really have heat. Well it’s “gravity heating”, it is sucky and Section 8 will not count that as proper heating.

And yes, the reason I need to move is financial reasons. Half the income went away when Darth died,

Oh, also…...I am pretty sure I could get an extention on the Section 8 voucher. I have already talked to my psychiatrist and he is willing to write up some kind of letter to help me get that. The thing is, we are right near the winter months. I don’t want to end up moving in January.

^^ Bummer. Thanks for answering.

@anniereborn I am so sorry that you can’t stay in your current location. The fact it’s not simple to become a Section 8 landlord is a very good thing. They have to understand the ramifications of not fixing broken things. You will be better off moving to a location with a landlord that is prepared to operate within Section 8 guidelines. I wish I could accompany you to view rentals. Hugs.

This may be way out in left field, but a friend of mine gets her deceased husband’s social security benefits every month, and as I understand it, anyone can do that. So I’m thinking you should be able to apply for and receive Darth’s benefits every month. Does anyone here know anything more about that?

Here’s what I found in a quick search:

When a Social Security beneficiary dies, his or her surviving spouse is eligible for survivor benefits. A surviving spouse can collect 100 percent of the late spouse’s benefit if the survivor has reached full retirement age, but the amount will be lower if the deceased spouse claimed benefits before he or she reached full retirement age.

https://www.aarp.org/retirement/social-security/questions-answers/social-security-spouse-dies.html#:~:text=When%20a%20Social%20Security%20beneficiary%20dies%2C%20his%20or,before%20he%20or%20she%20reached%20full%20retirement%20age.

@anniereborn I wish you didn’t have to be so strong right now when all you want is to be soft and mushy. <3 to you.

@smudges She is likely too young. I think she and her husband were in their 40’s. There might be other social services she can get that she hasn’t looked into though. Even things like reduced utility bills and a free phone she might be eligible for and not know. Every little bit helps.

Actually Darth and I were never legally married. Had we done that he would have lost his Social Security Disability. Because he was never able to work, he got his off his father’s work record. If he married he would lose that along with Medicare.

What a Catch 22.

Sending you extra love on Darth’s birthday today, @anniereborn.

Would you be open to sharing your address with us through PM? Maybe we could all write you a letter. Not to be opened right away! But whenever you’re feeling lonely, you could open one. Like love and hugs from afar that you can save in your pocket.

Thinking of you and Darth today, @anniereborn. I was wondering…maybe fostering a cat or dog would help you feel less alone? I know that sometimes, there are arrangements where the animal’s (medical) fees are still paid by the rescue organization, so it wouldn’t be much of an expense. Of course your current cat might not be on board with that idea, but who knows. Maybe there’s a chill animal out there that could really benefit from a loving home environment, and then you could help each other.

[Hugs] for this difficult day.

@anniereborn I’m also sending you a virtual hug on this day. Grief is very difficult. I pray you feel some solace.

Hugs and love!

Thinking of you and Darth today, especially. <3 I’m a Libra, like Darth. Mine is tomorrow.

How are you doing, @anniereborn?

@longgone Thank you for asking. I’m roller coastering. I have been doing a lot of sorting and cleaning of my place and am getting a dumpster this weekend. So that feels good. I still don’t know where I am going to live, so that is scary as shit. But I don’t want to take just any old place either. I am afraid I am going to end up in a hell hole. My brother has been very supportive but that’s it as far as anything that isn’t online friendships. All of the house, I am doing on my own. All of the apartment searching etc, I am doing on my own. Hard enough to do for the first time, but after losing my husband it is downright panic inducing.

((( ♡ ))) Annie. Wish I could be there to give you a hand.

@anniereborn That’s very impressive. I’m glad you’re getting so much done, and that your brother at least is helping.

What you’re doing is incredibly hard. I know the feeling of having to move and being scared you’ll end up somewhere awful. It’s always worked out okay so far. I hope you end up finding a lovely place that feels like home in no time.

I want to thank all of you for all of your kind words, advice and support. You have no idea how much it has meant to me. A special thank you to someone named Anonymous. Today was the first day in six months I didn’t cry!

(( )) hugs Annie.

@anniereborn Baby steps. Try not to feel bad about your hard days on top of having the hard days. Congratulate yourself for the good ones. And there will be more good ones. Proud of you, girl, as I’m sure many here are!! :)