I can’t believe that I am doing this on fluther. But I feel many of you know me to a degree and knew my husband Darth_Algar.
Everyone says to “reach out”, tell someone when you are feeling overloaded, hopeless and helpless.

I have been trying that continuously for 5 months.
The only way that people listen is if you threaten to off yourself. And I am not. I do not want to And I don’t want to end up in some shitty psych ward.

I have four great siblings. They love me, I know they do. They will talk to me on the phone when they can. But, they are busy. They know how bad off I am I tell them. They are sympathetic. But I don’t see them. (unless I go to their child’s $150,000.00 wedding).

I went to see a housing rental with my section 8 voucher. I asked my brother and sister if either would come with but they were too busy. There were many things I loved about this place, but I blocked out the bad things. And now I know that is not the place for me.

I, of course called my brother and sister gushing about this place and got the praise I so desperately needed. How strong I was, how I pushed through. My brother, whose opinion means the world to me went on and on about how proud he was of me. Maybe that’s the reason I pushed through to go see the place. Maybe that’s the reason I was blinded to the bad things.

Navigating life without Darth is beyond difficult. I am trying so so so hard. And I reach out for help to anyone I can think of, and it’s not working. Am I asking too much to have some help with what I am going through? To have someone I love just come over and be with me? Just be with me? I know they can’t “fix things”. I don’t ask that.

Every since the first month when Darth died, I have been here in this house alone. A few visits over the other four months. No help in regards to getting ready for an eventual move.

I am hurting, in so many ways. Not just from grief, from PTSD, panic attacks and Bipolar Disorder. Yes, I see a psychiatrist Once a week in fact. Yes I see a therapist I am in an intensive outpatient program where I go to groups 3 days a week. I need someone to be here. I need someone to help with things like looking at a possible rental. To make phone calls when my oral surgery pain hurts terribly for a week straight.

Am I asking too much? I guess this is mostly a ramble. A cry for a virtual hug. Advice from anyone who has gone through something similar. If it wasn’t for me and Darth’s 14 year old kitty, I am not sure where I would be right now. If you read all of this, thank you.

Topics: family, mental health, help, support, grief