Previously I had asked if anyone remembered the name of the “drop” that helps older dogs with joint pain and I got a few replies: Mainly they were “take him to the vet”. Good advice, but I don’t have a lot of money for “a lot of possible fixes”.

He used to have a five-foot standing vertical leap. He used to run full speed. He used to stand on his hind legs to grab dog biscuits.

This morning: He couldn’t rise up to his feet. His back legs wouldn’t hold him up, and he tried his hardest. He had this look on his face like he was ashamed of himself… his eyes looked away from me, he turned his head away slightly… tail tucked between the legs.

I sat down on the floor beside him and began to pet him softly. He shook a little bit, and tried again. I helped him “only enough” to get him upright. He walked slowly through the house and outside (to the backyard… he’s outside during the day, inside at night). He looked around a bit, drank some water while I went for his food. After I fed him and pet him a little more, I went into the house and just about died on the inside.

It hurt me so much to see my dog like that. Hell, it hurts now… I haven’t dressed myself properly yet, I haven’t bathed, and I haven’t eaten… in fact, I feel like I may throw up before the day’s out.

I’ve made an appointment with the vet for 5 o’clock today, and I don’t know what I’m going to do when I get there. The doggie’s already 13 years old, and I really don’t want him hooked up on a ton of medicine… y’know, “Many possible options”.

As sorry as it sounds, I almost have myself convinced that if they say he needs a couple of surgeries and this expensive medicine for the rest of his life, that I should option to just… y’know… put an end to it.

But I’d feel like such a betrayer if I did that. He’s my first and only dog, and while I feel I’ve done good, today I just feel like I didn’t do good enough. I feel like such a bastard and I don’t know why. I feel very emotionally wrecked right now… I look out at the dog outside and he’s just laying out in the grass. There’s a difference in the way he’s walking and acting today from the way he was just last night… I don’t know how to explain it. The day itself is just very bleak…

Now, because I guess I need a “question” in order to meet Fluther’s approval, here they are:

1) Is it wrong to not want your dog hooked on medicine just to be able to walk?
2) Is it wrong, then, to elect to put him to rest?
3) Is this the kind of thinking I should have?
4) Will I be able to forgive myself?
5) Would he ever forgive me?

This is maybe… the second or third time in my life I’ve had such a sorry feeling… and I’m unable to think about how to deal with it.

Topics: life, health, medicine, dogs, love, death