I am a sober alcoholic with 23 years of sobriety. I drank because I thought it stopped the pain of a bad childhood and the pain of hiding in the closet. I have met thousands and thousands of alcoholics. Some were sober, and some were still drinking. All of them drank because of pain from difficulties in childhood or young adulthood. All of them.
Drinking is a maladaptive coping mechanism. We do it, because we think it will make the pain go away. I can state authoritatively that it doesn’t work. It compounds the pain. Drinking makes the pain worse.
There are ways to quit drinking. AA has one way. Doctors can help with medicine that reduces the desire to drink. One is called naltrexone and is widely used in Europe with great success. For some reason I don’t understand, American doctors don’t prescribe it as much and buy into the hype from years of hearing that AA is the only way to get sober.
My best friend has been sober for more than 10 years, and he did it completely on his own. I used AA and therapy. AA taught me how not to drink one day at a time, and therapy cleared the pain that made me drink in the first place. After many years, I simply don’t think about drinking. It never crosses my mind.
I suggest you go check out an AA meeting. They are free and anonymous. You don’t have to speak to anyone. You can check out several meetings to find out if one makes you more comfortable than others. Listen in the meeting. If you don’t like it, don’t go back. I went to a meeting and didn’t like it and kept drinking for many more years and was completely miserable, and I made my family miserable.
You don’t have to drink again if you don’t want to. You don’t have to be miserable. I can state that I am very happy now. I have a very good life. I have good people in my life who genuinely care for me. I have a good job. I have a good car that is paid for and is covered by insurance. I have no big financial worries. I have debt because of a lot of dental work, but I’m not worried about it. My life is good. Yours can be too.
Good luck.