Bit of a backstory: I was groomed from the age of 12–17 by older boys and men. At the time I didn’t know it was wrong and genuinely believed that they loved me etc.

By age 20 I was sexually assaulted. I started to hate ALL men. To me, ALL men are groomers. I started wearing clothes that covered every inch of my body and wouldn’t leave the house if my coat wasn’t long enough to hide my backside.

I’m in my 30s now and I have CPTSD from this.

But my main query today is…

When I’m aroused, I often fantasie about being groomed – I feel ashamed but I always do it.

Is there a word for that?
My CPTSD is very strong 99% of the time but as soon as I’m feeling sexual, it’s like I want to be abused??!