General Question

noraasnave's avatar

I am plumbing the collective's creativity. What activities do you suggest we participate in to build intimacy in our relationship?

Asked by noraasnave (3094points) October 26th, 2008
17 responses
“Great Question” (1points)

I have 3bd/2 bath house, fenced in backyard with tree, a very wonderful, beautiful woman, and 2 days. We already have a few good ideas: making cookies, snuggling to a fire in the fireplace, making a stepping stone, and finding interesting new ways to use the furniture. Thank you in advance for your thoughts.

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Judi's avatar

Wait a minute, It’s only been a couple of weeks since you told us about your wife’s affair, impending divorce, and your desire to keep your wife from harassing you and your children, and you already have another woman to hook up with for 2 days? something smells rotten here. I suggest you spend the time you have back home with your kids and skip the rendezvous.

Judi (39890points)“Great Answer” (14points)
asmonet's avatar

I didn’t even reaize this was from the same guy who just found out his wife was unfaithful. I was about to give some stellar ideas, IMHO, but now I really just think you need to closely examine your priorities. Thanks, Judi.

Bluefreedom's avatar

@Judi – I was ready to throw in all kinds of neat ideas like asmonet until I digested your information. Now I’m just…..SPEECHLESS…..... (thanks for posting that information) Okay, I promise to truly be speechless from this point on, seriously….

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Payback is hell. Go see your kids. Have more character than your ex-wife does.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

I might say that you are looking for ideas to build intimacy is a pretty good indication that you know this is a bad idea.

fireside's avatar

I say you show her pictures of your wife and maybe have a good cry.

What’s the deal with your “onomatopoeia” tag?
Were you hoping for suggestions like: boingy boingy?

gailcalled's avatar

Kudos to Judi!

Find a male friend who is also a stonemason; I presume that you are doing something with more than 1 stone. Build a dry wall; that will take some energy.

Lovelocke's avatar

Hmm. Well, lots of sex with the windows open and lights on is a good start. Then again, that’s just me… I enjoy “showing off” and also playing around in public… not for everyone, possibly illegal, but you do what you do.

deaddolly's avatar

wtf? And I thought you were a nice guy before.

Judi, I’m hiring you. (for what I don’t know, but I am!)

nina's avatar

a baby? ... just thinking out loud

noraasnave's avatar

@Judi: I appreciate your perspective. I don’t mind being transparent with you or anyone for that matter. The time period wherein I separated from my spouse was 2 and 1/2 months ago. Being here in the desert, I have a lot of time to process problems in my previous relationship which the previous posts you mention.

I am suprised that someone on fluther could be close minded about the capacity for the human heart to examine itself, move on and find a healthy new relationship which best serves my children and myself. I have been open and aboveboard in all my postings. I bring myself ‘warts and all’ to my answers and my questions.

I am also quite shocked that one person’s opinion when based on so few facts can limit so many people in sharing thier creative thoughts.

I can’t help but feel slightly judged, as if one person can tell another what is healthy and right for oneself and one’s children, based a few postings.

Having said that, I open myself up to examination. So instead of judging based on limited facts you can ask me anything and I will answer honestly so you can see from my perspective if you wish. Most people are satisfied to throw out a judgement and not really examine another’s motives. I am curious which you will choose.

I do think it is of note, however, that you are concerned for my children. I can definitely tell that based on the limited set of facts that you are working with you are attempting to best serve my children, Thank you.

deaddolly's avatar

2 1/2 months is not a long time as far as your children are concerned. It makes it harder for them.
I stand by what I said before. Keep it in your pants till you work things out with your family life. Get a dog.

asmonet's avatar

Not very long at all. I still agree with Judi even after your clarification. Your post was not dated two months ago, and since you did not specify the timeline it leads the community at large to conclude that these events are happening as you post them. Which I find completely reasonable.

Judi did not judge you but merely pointed out that it seemed a bit incongruous, and then offered advice based on the facts available to her. And from what I know of her she wouldn’t have judged you right off the bat regardless. I don’t think you have anything to be curious about in regards to her response.

Personally given what we know I think you should back off and concentrate on your children and how they are coping. Your significant other is your priority only when your children have been thoroughly taken care of emotionally, mentally, and physically. But again, only you know your children, two months seems short to us but maybe your kids are rather remarkable and bounced back surprisingly well. I think that’s the general conensus.

Judi's avatar

I do know that things happen fast in war. Much like a “fox hole conversion,” a “fox hole romance” can seem very real at first but often fades just as quickly when normalcy begins to set in. I also know the unshakable pull of passion and that nothing we say at this point will change what you’re doing.
Are you home for good or just on leave?
For your children’s sake I hope that you are home for good. They need their daddy. Please don’t involve them in this new romance until it has survived the test of reality away from war. Thanks for your service.

noraasnave's avatar


In an attempt to be ‘overly cautious’ for the sake of my children you have failed to answer my question, and passively dissuaded others from doing so as well.

I can see from your perspective, based on little or no information, you can see there is a chance that I am not considering my children’s best interests, because you can’t ‘see’ that, but can’t you see that there is a possibility that my children are adjusting well, well informed, and ready for the change?

I am very interested in hearing how you come to the conclusion that my new romance is harmful for my children or me, and that I have developed a ‘fox hole romance’, and that I am not going to be able to find a healthy relationship with a woman at this time in my life. What facts are you basing your conclusions on?

I have seen very few facts to back up your assertions.

(Asking for help with separated wife+ expressing feelings toward separated wife +Iraq + New Relationship + children = automatic bad decision?)

Please explain to me what exactly I am doing wrong to warrant your ‘helpful advice’ and your blockade. Which have effectively blocked creative answers to my original question.

Judi's avatar

I am assuming that you are still in Iraq and that this will be the first time you will consummate the relationship with this new woman.
You have already said that your ex is not the mother of your children. If this is the case they have lost their mom, their step mom, and now a new substitute is stepping in. This can be very confusing for a young mind. Wisdom would dictate that you spend time with the new girl and make darn good and sure that she’s “the one” before your children become attached to her.
I hope the new romance works for you, but if it doesn’t it would be better if YOU had the broken heart alone and not the kids as well.
To offer some background of why I think I understand what you’re going through, I’ll tell you a bit of a story. I met my first husband in 1980 shortly after he had enlisted in the Navy, but before he left for boot camp. I had a daughter already. We were just going to have a whirlwind romance, he was leaving after all. Something electric happened after he left. I could think of nothing else but him. He consumed my every thought. We wrote letters back and forth and one day I got a phone call at work. He had some how (and I still don’t know to this day how he did it) he had gotten out of the Navy and he was coming home to marry me. We had a very short courtship and were married less than a year after we met. He was a great guy with a fun loving heart, but he was also mentally ill. I saw some signs of of before the wedding, but my daughter loved him and the plans were made. I had 2 children with him and he Shot himself when my kids were 4, 6, and 8.
I tell you all this because I understand that rush of passion when you’re separated by miles. I also know that it makes you do and feel and think and say things that you wouldn’t in your right mind.
Just keep your kids first, and go slow. If it’s meant to be it will survive the test of time. I would not deny you love and companionship, I just know that as much as she is anxious to see you there are those smiling faces who need you more. Their lives have been turned upside down. they need stability from you.

noraasnave's avatar

@Judi: Thank you very much for opening up and sharing a personal story. I think that is sacred. I acknowledge that your reticense comes from a deep hurt. I am honored that you chose to share what you have learned from your pain. I will share a bit more as well.

I agree that my children need not be involved until I am absolutely sure of this new person, due to the rough trail which they (my children) have been through because of my previous poor choices. I am committed to setting aside the time the children need to heal and become once again ready to embrace another person. It is unfortunate this this fact wasn’t assumed or else I would have recieved answers to the question I intended to have answered…lol.

I have processed and learned from my previous relationships with much prayer, soul searching, counseling, journaling, blogging, reading, and talking it out. Who would have thought that Iraq would be the place for soul-searching and deep reflection with God’s guidance and help?

I am absolutely, without a doubt certain of the person I have met. I could tell you all the reasons I know and have seen, but that is an answer for another question perhaps. I venture to guess that the words would push the limit of what room an post is allowed to take, and definitely, at least, the limit of what any sane person would desire to read.

I, find myself, once again grateful for your concern and care on behalf of my children and myself. You have a big heart and I commend you for speaking up.

Previously I mentioned that I separated from my separated spouse 2&1/2 months ago, but I didn’t think to mention that this was when I realized that she not only cheated on me this deployment, but also my previous one. I didn’t decide to ‘officially’ separate from her until I had all the facts before me and was absolutely certain.

I explain this because in reality, when I left in April our relationship changed completely, so I found myself separated from our relationship for all practical and legal purposes in April of this year. This was the time period when she began the unfaithful actions that I didn’t find out about until 2&1/2 months ago.

I had my children sent to my parent’s house for thier care. I have made the plans to visit them alone upon my safe return home. I am the one that loves them more than anyone else in their life, and I am determined to make decisions that are in their best interest as I did when I was single parent before this separated relationship. I want to take a moment to pause and give God the full credit because I have only done what he showed me and taught me along the way, and without his grace and love I would be the normal man that , perhaps, until now you thought me to be.

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