@augustlan, It’s been a long time since I realized how rude it was to criticize the compliment giver. At least, not out loud. This doesn’t stop the train of thought from running through my head, and then I argue back that maybe they are right, and so on. It’s exhausting, because at the same time as this stupid argument is going on inside my head, I’m talking to the person, and trying to be nice and gracious. I’d love to know if they can tell what my brain is doing.
@macbean, yes, it’s partly your pm, but also tonight, two people came up to me to offer compliments on my playing. They acted like I was some kind of professional musician, when really I’m just an amateur trying to have a bit of fun. One told me it was kind of amazing that I could improvise, and I spoke with her for a few minutes. It was all I could do to tell her that this was not a talent at all, but in fact a weakness. I am deeply fearful of playing written music, because I can screw that up, and everyone will know. With improvisation, I can hear what I want to play in my head, but if I fuck it up, no one will know. I’m the only one who knows what I meant to play. I made so many mistakes tonight.
I didn’t tell her most of that. Instead, I tried to demystify improv a bit for her.
The other person told me how talented I was. That one really set my blood boiling. I hate “talent.” It’s hard work, it seems to me, not magic. It’s not special, just the result of practice. But I didn’t. I tried to put a smile on my face, and I thanked her.
Of course, it should go without saying that I don’t think I’m very good.
Anyway, I’m glad fake it until you make it worked for augustlan. The only time that ever worked for me was in learning to fundraise. My mind seems curiously immune to my efforts to get it to see things differently. It is stubborn as a glacier. I’m giving up trying to change it. But that’s another story. I would love to actually believe people who say nice things to me, but somehow, it just doesn’t seem to be in me any more. If I even ever had it. It would probably take a dozen jackhammers pounding away to get any movement inside my mind on this issue.