Oh God! Happiness? It’s not for me, I think. The best is those moments when I forget about judgement. There is no happiness, and no unhappiness. There’s just me, and I’m not thinking about it. That is such bliss! And it happens for such short periods of time.
I don’t particularly like being me. I hate making mistakes, and I do that all the time. I have so many goals, and I’m not close to a single one of them. That makes me miserable.
But there are moments when I don’t remember the goals, and I don’t think about all the things I fucking up in (like my relationship, my work, my music, my writing) and I just do things. Doing without judging is happiness, as far as I’m concerned. It is a precious commodity, and very difficult to find. There is no hope of holding onto it.
Happiness, I believe, is a chimera created by the advertising industry. If we get things; if we make ourselves look good; if we make ourselves feel good; then we’ll be happy. Unfortunately, that’s just so much cow patties in the field. Of course, it goes without saying that I am in the thrall of that image of happiness as strongly as if I had no perspective on it at all. Knowledge is not a help.
If you don’t look for it, you may find it. If you try to get it, it’ll never be where you are. It’s an Alice in Wonderland kind of thing.