My Speech, Edited for Length
I want to say thank you to everyone for coming here tonight. I am absolutely shocked that you all could be here, however seeing as this is a hypothetical fantasy I suppose anything is possible. I hope everyone is enjoying the food. Is there enough vegetarian dishes? I know most of you have dabbled in the past with being vegetarians but with exception of one, almost, I’ve never known any of you to actually stick to, well anything really. Also thank you to everyone who stuck to my biggest to smallest seating chart; I know it was a little confusing when some of the more, should I say petite ladies, showed up and had to ask the should I say, not petite ones, to move to the back. But now that I see what the years of partying have done to your faces I kinda wished I’d done it the opposite way around. <pause for laughter>
Some of you will already know each other and no doubt some of you car-pooled to get here. I also expect some of you to be shocked at seeing one another. And you’ve all been trying to get your time-lines straightened as to whom slept with me at what time and did it happen while we were together or while we were broken up and why didn’t I tell you yada yada yada. I know it isn’t in your nature to let things like the fact that I have ever slept with anyone else ever or that you think you’re competing with some invisible sex goddess from my past who could do everything in bed better than you, but please try for now. As for me I always like to think of every woman as a virgin until she has sex with me. It’s good for the ego all around. I’d like to say congratulations to the married and the divorced as well as to all the mothers. I’m sorry I couldn’t be your husband or father your child. Despite what any of you might think, I do want to be a husband and some day a father. But it needs to be a partnership, 50/50, or sometimes 60/40 when one of us are sick or working overtime but mostly split down the middle. All of you are here tonight because you failed miserably. Maybe it just wasn’t our time but whatever the reason I hope you all have gotten over much of your selfishness, especially the moms.
<break>
Now for the men. It was probably hardest for you to come here and have your sordid pasts exposed but I think it’s a good idea to get these things out in the open. I just want to tell you that I’m okay and I don’t have any real issues with it and I urge you as well, not to have any either, but just remember, you initiated it. But so what, one was just kids experimenting and the other well, let’s just say that LSD is a hell of a drug!
<pause for laughter>
But seriously enjoy the roast and the Bananas Foster. Don’t forget the free t-shirts on you way out and have a great night and a pleasant tomorrow.