You may be missing what could have been – or what should have been had things gone differently or people acted differently.

This mixture of regret, longing, confusion, sadness, and anger is what we mean when we say we “miss” someone. Ultimately, what you miss may be certain things that you associate with that person – not the person themselves.

No matter how toxic someone may be to your life, no one is 100% evil/bad – and, unfortunately, we tend to see history through rose-colored glasses (nostalgia).

I recently ended a relationship with someone very prominent in my life who is very toxic to me. I had to put it in writing, no only for their benefit, but so I could remind myself why I made that decision – later on, when doubt fueled nostalgia sets in (and it always does).

I dunno, to keep it kind of simple it just means you love/loved that person in one way or another. Cprevite is right about the toxic thing. Some people and relationships are just bad for you even if you do love them. But thats really a judgement call. You can not put yourself in an unfair situation, so dont.

Thank you cprevite thats a very good answer.

The problem, in this case, is actually more my toxicity to the person in question than theirs to me. But in a moment of weakness this has certainly helped me put some perspective on it from the other way around.

It all seems very tricky to me though and maybe putting things in writing is the way to go as one cannot be sure of the effects of doing something (getting in touch) but one can be sure of the effects of not doing it (missing and sadness).

Perhaps I just need to work on being far less toxic or leave it until such a time as I am sure I will be.

I miss my grandparents and my godfather.

I agree with anyone who says that you probably miss what once was. If there’s feelings of missing someone mixed with regret, it could be missing out on something great that could have been, or was close to happening. I was in a relationship that just ended and right now I feel really fucked up…thinking about the times we shared makes me miss her alot. Thinking about how close we were to taking that big step, makes me miss her even more. And knowing I won’t get to see her son (not mine) again, well that was the knife in my kidney right there. Whatever you’re going through, I dunno if my situation is similar to yours but you’re definitely not alone.

BoyWonder: You have no idea how close our situations are! Thanks for that.

It’s hard to accept, but if you care about that person enough to want what’s best for them – you’ll leave it alone. Find healthy distractions (like Fluther) and let the waves of sadness pass. Sometimes (not always) time can bring much better perspective.

Reality is really the hardest of all to deal with, especially when one of our loved ones pass away. I know it’s hard to forget the pain of losing someone, but we must learn to move on to our lives and accept that they will now will just be part of your treasured memories. Moving on and forgetting the pain doesn’t necessary mean that you have to totally forget them. Take time to think heal things, think of it as a part that will make you strong enough to face daily life without them. I’m sure everything will slowly go to ease the pain as day passes by.

It sounds as if you know that getting in touch with this person will not be in their best interests. Good for you for recognizing that. This is where love comes into play…do the right thing, even though it’s the hard thing, and keep your distance.

Mourning and grieving are two simple words to describe the indescribable. Moving on. forgetting the pain, and closure are meaningless platitudes for both the ultimate loss (death) or the physical loss of a friend, lover, or family member.

augustian: This is true. Although I can find another question coming out of that as I wonder what benefit there is to an act of love that the recipient will never be aware of?

gail: very nice!

in portugal we have a word for that feeling. saudade.

Thanks, that’s brilliant. A culture lesson and accurate too. Are Portugese people sad a lot that they have extra words for sad emotions, or maybe just extra passionate? :)

it’s a small part of our culture, yes. ever listened to fado? take a look.

Hey you’re most welcome. Let us know how you’re doing. Good luck!!