I think you need to rethink the first paragraph. It combines your intro, and also jumps into the story, too. That confuses me. I would suggest you add a sentence or two that summarize the story. Something like, “I am going to show you how working in a psych lab and working on beahlf of (some kind of) victims motivated me to apply to a program that provides excellent property law education.
I think that’s what you mean to say, and how you want to pull it all together. In any case, it’s your story, and you want to provide a summary that’s also a teaser that makes them want to see the details to come.
To end, you need to do a similar thing. “So you see now how psych and victims motivated me to research law schools, to find one that can best help me to prepare for a career in intellectual property rights that support the downtrodden (or some such). DePaul is that place.
I also want to say something about the tone. I find it a little too flowery, and your compliments to be too obsequious. I’d prefer a more straight-forward tone. This is who I am, and why I want to be there, without those unnecessary compliments. Show them why their place attracts you (and you have a lot of that there already). If you do too many compliments, I think it detracts from your message, and makes you seem like a toady of some kind. Perhaps insecure.
You should write like they should be damned happy you are applying, because you bring these excellent things to the table, and they happen to match the strengths of the school.
Well, you asked for suggestions, and you can take these free ones for what they’re worth. Exactly what it cost you to get them. I’m not an editor like Jeruba, nor a teacher like Gail, so I’m just going with my gut here. And my tummy is rumbling.