So, what’s so weird about it?

I guess you can get away with it up to age 25, but anything past 25 is weird. Definitely.

I don’t think it’s weird at any age.. personally my level of respect gets higher and higher with the age.

In today’s culture, I think if you haven’t had sex by the time you’re 18, you’re considered a freak.

That said, people are morons. There’s nothing weird about people waiting to have sex, at all. Why should it be strange that people want to be sure they’re in a great relationship with someone they love before they have sex? It’s admirable, not weird.

I’m going to go with NaturalMineralWater and DrasticDreamer on this one. If a person decides to wait until their married or waits until a later age to have sex, I think that shows good restraint and good judgement on their part because they’re willing to wait for the best possible circumstances to have sex. I can certainly respect that.

It’s fine to be a virgin all your life. As a member of contemporary society, you might be looked at oddly after 26 or so. But my goodness, nobody has to go around telling people! I have a >50 friend who’s single and acts very much like what we used to call an “old maid.” But is she still a virgin? I don’t know. In 17 years of casual friendship I have never once heard her speak of a boyfriend, but that means nothing. It’s her business, not mine!

(I should also point out that I don’t think it’s weird to have casual sex, so long as people are responsible. Not my cup of tea, but, whatever.)

@DrasticDreamer: I agree its probably at 18 or 19.

Now im 19 and a virgin, but i don’t care what people think because i want it to be with a right person at the right time. Believe me I have had my chances to not be but it never felt right and i never really liked the person. Im still just waiting for the right girl to show up now.

@Jeruba & @popo7676 – Very nice answers and perspectives from both of you also, in my opinion. Lurve.

@Bluefreedom

Considering the prevalent average American marriage only lasting roughly 4 years, I doubt that it is “good judgement” at all to not have sex before you get married. Simply for the fact that half the time sexual frustration is a big part of why couples part.

(May I remind those who say the magic age is 18 that society includes some people who are older than you.)

yeah don’t push that get laid bull-shit cuz everyone one day has sex and so what. It will happen when it happens…

@TaoSan. That’s one opinion anyway. If someone bases their reasons for having or not having sex based on marriage and relationship statistics, they’re not placing a lot of sanctity in the reason for their virginity.

damn I am just rockin Bluefreedom on this post and all else can move aside… right lurve!

@popo7676 damn 19 and still a virgin? your never gettin laid…

kidding

in most western countries, you are expected to lose your virginity when you are still at school (or university). So, if you’ve finished all that, and got a job, and a flat on your own, and you’re still a virgin, there’s something seriously wrong with you. Unless of course you’re religious and made a conscious choice of “no sex before marriage”, but that’s still pretty weird. And most kids do it when they’re still at high-school, which as a father I find appalling, but at the same time will have to come to terms with in the next decade or so.

The whole concept of ‘expected to lose your virginity when you are still in school’ just blows my mind. That is such a shallow way of looking at virginity.

Additionally, if someone is finished with school and has a job and is still a virgin, something is wrong with you? Says who? Why? And then, if you’re religious and decide to have no sex before marriage, this is still pretty weird? Are you kidding me? I have respect for someone who wants to remain a virgin before they’re married because they are going to be pure for their future spouse.

@Jack79. This isn’t me disputing you or trying to be argumentative, it is just me offering my opinions on parts of your answer.

@Jack79 I just hope I never have a daughter because I think I would be way over protective and I feel that you would be the same way…

@Bluefreedom I am all with you! I just think as I am sure many of us do that undue pressures are being put upon the teens/young people in our society. And while I am not that old I do believe that young people in this day and age are being exposed to some bullshit such as Miley cyrus being a sex symbol, which I think is sick because she is a little girl and on the same page has a hideous horse face, at like 15. I think that the youth of our country are taught to be grown up way too quickly and this by such publications as the “Disney Channel”. It’s all reaching a creepy blurred line of age and sex…

I am referring to the social norm in the places where I’ve lived Bluefreedom, not to my personal opinion. I teach teenagers and they tease each other about being virgins. In many places virginity (even at 16) is seen as some sort of curse to get rid of, not as a virtue to be proud of.

I only have one virgin friend (she’s 37) and I really think she’s weird in that sense, even though she’s normal in every other way, and was quite pretty for several years.

@Jack79 & @madcapper. I really do understand where both of you are coming from and you do make good points. I think a big stressor in all of this is probably peer pressure too regarding having sex at a young age.

@Bluefreedom

I understand where you come from. However, I do believe that the “sanctity” you mention won’t do any good when you realize that having had the illusion of it caused you to enter into marriage with a person you’re not sexually compatible with.

I’m not addressing the age part, as I simply have no real opinion about it. Nature takes it’s course.

I’m merely pointing out that to those sitting in divorce court getting dirt thrown at them that “sanctum” and “decorum” may well seem like a big huge joke.

Point blank, I hear “if only I had” much more often than “I’m glad I haven’t”.

I don’t really think it’s about that though. I have this friend who ended up marrying his highschool sweetheart. He’s never known any other woman, and she’s never known any other man. So since they can’t make the comparison, it’s not really an issue. Then I had this other classmate who insisted on “no sex before marriage” until at some point he was weak enough to try it. And turned into a sex maniac overnight. He married a psycho just because she was good in bed, and they did all sorts of kinky stuff until it went too far and he freaked out. Now he’s finally in a second marriage (after tonnes of girls since then) and he seems happy and fulfilled.

But I don’t think the question was about that. It was about the social norms, which, where I live, expect people to lose their virginity sometime between 15–23. Anything before or after that is frowned upon. And looking for a virgin to marry is plain utopic. I gave up on that notion when I was 18. And I’m not even sure if I’d like it anymore.

@Jack79 your first friend sounds very lucky because I think if we could all find relationships like that the world would be a better place. haha. The second case is far more typical and human and unfortunate and sad :)

@Jack79

You’re right, I was wandering off topic a bit.

As for social norms, there shouldn’t be one in this regard. Have sex when you’re ready and willing, not when others think you should or should not have had it.

@TaoSan with ya there!

@TaoSan. I realize that someone takes a chance by remaining a virgin until marriage and then finding out that they are not compatible with their spouse after that. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to come to terms with that and to have to deal with the circumstances that would follow afterward.

I might have started to gravitate away from the exact answer the question was looking for so my opinion is that I am disappointed and sad that society and culture has adopted a cavalier attitude towards virginity and uses age limits to determine when it is acceptable or weird to lose one’s virginity. I don’t think being a virgin at an older age is weird at all.

@Bluefreedom

Hm, it makes sense and I can follow your line of thinking. Although I have to say that I always took strong exception from the what I call “Virginity equals purity doctrine”.

Although not meaning to question your values you have for yourself, I think the dangers of overrating “virginity” are omnipresent.

For one, sexuality is the strongest urge we have, so it will always be around, wether one likes it or not. Making premarital virginity a prerequisite for being accepted as “valid” by society as a whole leads to nothing but ashamed young people not getting their protection and doing it anyways.

I do respect the “virginity factor” as personal choice or value of the individual, but under no circumstance should it become a societal “value denominator” again. It failed too often in the course of history.

Having being raised in Europe, I can tell you that despite the loose attitude in most countries going as far as prescribing contraceptives to 16 year olds has not lead to a moral decay but much more to much lower numbers in teen pregnancies and STDs per capita than we have in the US.

Funnily, in Germany there is hardly no “social pressure” on schoolyards to “get laid” as opposed to over here, where it is omnipresent. If it’s forbidden it’s (choose one) cool/in/desirable. Almost the same as drinking or smoking.

Take that motivator out of the equation by avoiding the glorification of chastity, and all in a sudden peer-pressure disappears entirely. Proclaiming “virgins” as “pure” inevitably invites the contraposition that “non-virgins” are “impure”.

Sorry to the OP, we’re really wandering here, but then, these issues are closely intertwined, as the “age-line” really is nothing but peer pressure.

Almost all of my friends waited until they were over twenty.
Then again, my friends are amazing intellectuals and we used to debate virginity, religion, art, all kinds of things. We might have over thought it when it came up, but it didn’t matter much to us at all. I haven’t heard a single regret from any of them yet.

I don’t think there is a weird age. It doesn’t really occur to me.

I’ve read all the posts and most of you have made some very valid points. I’m 45, so I’m not that far removed from my youth that I’ve lost my perspective. I am also the mother of two children, 12 & 14, so I’m around a lot of teens. I have no expert opinion, but I do have some points to make.

I’ve read enough annoying questions on Fluther from young people having sex who are not ready to be doing so. Questions about saying yes/no, not achieving orgasm & piercings to increase pleasure (at that young age) show a lack of mental maturity with regard to the act. What are they comparing their sexual experiences to; movies, song lyrics, their friends fabricated stories of amazing sex?

Sex is (or should be) as much a mental act as a physical one. As 15 -18, your mental state is not fully developed. The overwhelming desire to be perceived as a grown up clouds your judgment. It’s always been amusing to me that when you’re young you want to be older and vice versa.

The friends you surround yourself with have an enormous influence on the person you are. While teenagers can influence each other in bad ways, they can also influence each other in the best of ways. Sitting around and chiding someone for not having had sex yet? What kind of friend would do that? Young adults need to be encouraged to have friends of like minds and morals. In my nieces circle of friends (she’s 18), there are girls who had sex and regretted it. Their friends don’t applaud them. They listen and encourage their friends to make better choices. They throw the word slut around enough for me to believe they don’t look upon those girls having sex casually with admiration. There are many girls having sex before they even leave middle school; they can’t drive yet, but they’re ready for sex – I think not.

Peer pressure is powerful, but your self respect has to be stronger. What age you have sex matters less than what your mind set is. If someone went through their adult life without having sex I would imagine there’s a very good reason – and that reason is not my business. There is no perfect age; there should be no “invisible line”. The premise of sleeping around to find your perfect sexual match (for marriage) is a crock of BS. Sex becomes better the more you know and understand yourself and your partner. Casual sex can be fun, but I don’t know many women who brag about the number of men they’ve slept with if the number is high. Feeling good about your choice is easy when you’re drunk and horny; how will you feel tomorrow in the light of day? my gosh this is long, sorry!

Go read the thread that asks if people regret the age at which they first had sex. There are a lot of people floating around the Fluther with a lot of regrets.

My 99 year old grandma is still a virgin. Oh wait, I thought you said a Virgo, my mistake.

It depends. Is a spiritual aspect to sex important to you, or is sex just about getting laid?

There is nothing lonelier than meaningless sex.

meaningless sex is lonely?

I find it rather pleasing, relaxing and relieving.

The notion of meaningless sex being a “lonely” thing seems a bit Bukowski-cliche to me.

@TaoSan, exactly. There are two diametrically opposed camps on this question. If you believe sex and spirituality are detached then being a virgin is weird. If you think it must be meaningful, then being a virgin at any age is not weird at all.

@AlfredaPrufrock

Agreed, it’s what you make it. Or better said, it is what it is to the individual.

On the other hand, the possible broad spectrum of what a sexual encounter “can” be in individual situations makes it hard for me to decide for one camp or the other.

You don’t need to mess around with other people to have a comparison in order to find out that someone is sexually incompatible with you. To use food as an example, you may realize that you don’t like liver the first time you try it – there’s no need to have eaten ice cream first to know that.

To answer the asker’s question, I wouldn’t call a 26-yo virgin a freak or anything, because I don’t feel that strongly about it – but it would make me wonder about the choices they made. (Not judge the choices, but wonder what made them choose that way.)

As a complete aside, I also wonder why there seems to be a large overlap between the population of people who are very in-your-face about their virginity (or support thereof), and the people who “aren’t against gays as long as they keep their sexuality private.”

@laureth

Sorry, no pun intended or anything, but comparing sex to food, liver in particular? Hm….

How can you know anything if you don’t have at least some experience?

You can hypothesize, but I think you’ll agree that everyone kinda thought they knew how sex was going to be and then it was a whole different ballpark.

You can’t tell me that two “virgins” entering into matrimony will have a good grasp of if they will be compatible or not.

Well, if you are both virgins and mess around and don’t like it, and it doesn’t work for you, you may not be sexually compatable. That’s all I’m sayin’.

18 or 19 is when you’ll start hearing “wait…you’re still a virgin?” if you haven’t lost your virginity. You can get away with 17, and 20 is pushin’ it. 21, it’s plain weird.

@onesecondregrets: Say’s who? You can “get away” with 17…who exactly is it that’s going to be saying “wait…you’re still a virgin?”

@bythebay People I know who are around 19 years old get comments like that, and the people who make those comments are ones who’ve lost theirs. I’m saying from what I’ve experienced when talking about losing your virginity, not as a personal opinion.

I was a virgin until I was 20 because I wanted to be in love with whoever I had sex with. No one – around my age especially – understood. When people found out it was always, “Really?! Wow! Why?”. Even after my explanation, all I would hear is, “Wow… That’s crazy.” After a while, it got to the point where as soon as they’d ask “why?”, I’d shoot back, “Why aren’t you?”. What I found funny was the fact that they couldn’t even answer. No one had a reason, whereas I did.

@DrasticDreamer: Exactly. Word for word.

@DrasticDreamer

Lurve to that

22 to 23 is the cut off for me. Most people who hold onto their virginity past those ages do so for reasons that are most often due to relationship and intimacy dysfunctions. Not all, but most.

@tinyfaery

sounds reasonable. In this age bracket something most certainly has to counteract nature if an individual decides to hold on.

Guess I’m dysfunctional then.

@asmonet

Why not, dysfunctional has such a nice ring to it :)

I said most people. You put yourself into that category.

Le sigh, it wasn’t said in all seriousness, no big.

Some people remain virgins until their 20s or 30s not because they choose to, but because they have no choice not to. They have not found a partner willing to have sex with them.

People here seem to assume that sex is so easy. If you want it, you get it. That simply isn’t true.

sex is easy. Nothing is easier than sex. Now sex with a partner, that is a bit more difficult. If cloning ever becomes feasible and affordable, narcissists will have no trouble finding that perfect lover. :-)

@daloon agree unless you are a girl because I promise you that if you have a vagina there is at least one guy who would do it…

There are plenty of people of both sexes and all ages who are virgins by choice, and there is another plenty who are involuntary virgins. Finding a partner means both finding someone who is willing to have sex with you and finding someone with whom you are willing to have sex—and then being willing and able to have sex with them. It is simply easier for some than for others, and the reasons are not always obvious or as superficial as physical appearance.

This life choice above all others ought to be up to the individual and not judged by others.

My tenure in the coffee shop this past week had made me realize that there are a lot of lonely people out there.

There’s too much value placed on sexual prowess, and this question has only confirmed that for me. Why should it matter so much?

I think that because more people are associating sex with love (and sometimes holding the forming over the latter), the average age where we lose our virginity has decreased. I don’t think there really is anything weird about a 40 year old virgin, just because someone hasn’t lost their virginity at 40 doesn’t mean that he/she is unloved or they are incapable of loving.

I just turned 21 when I first had sex. Didn’t think it was odd at all given the circumstances. Just finished a 3+ year relationship with a girlfriend… and broke up with her at 20.

21 is not some kind of weird deal some people make it out to be. It can happen.