If this is for Art, whoever he is, how about inventing the spiel that* should* be given.
“Good morning; this is your captain. I am underslept and had a few beers last night. There will be a delay of 1 hr because my seat is broken, another 2 hours because of delays on runway, several more because flight attendant is stuck in traffic somewhere w/o any cell towers.
You will not be fed or watered or allowed off the plane, the aisles are too narrow to exercise in case you are worried about blood clots in legs, the recirculated air is worse than usual, and I wouldn’t bet that the toilets are working any too well.
Due to hurricanes, tornadoes, and unseasonal weather of all kinds at the hubs, I can guarantee that you will miss your connection and that your luggage will end up on Pitcairn Island.
Have a nice flight and enjoy the friendly skies of <insert any airline here>.”